


Champion

by changdori (janie6789)



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: Alternate Universe - Swimming, M/M, Trigger Warning - Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-25
Updated: 2018-07-20
Packaged: 2018-07-26 14:25:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 49,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7577563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/janie6789/pseuds/changdori
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For years, Yunho chased a single dream -- to win Olympic Gold in swimming. To him, training and competing was everything; he was willing even to withstanding the abuse that came with being an elite athlete. It isn't until a certain Shim Changmin joins the National Team that Yunho begins to think about just how much he needs to tolerate to be a champion.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Changmin was always a bit different from the other swimmers at the athlete's village.

The other athletes had their medals and the Korean flag hung up next to their beds and pictures of their families and their favourite swimmers on their cubbies. They often sat on their beds after training with their eyes closed, going over their swim in their heads. Some of them had strange rituals, for instance, hanging their goggles on the right side of their bed as they slept, or putting on their swimsuit inside out first before taking it off and putting it on the right way around. Even Yunho had a lucky gesture before he began every practice or before a meet, tapping his forehead and both of his shoulders in turn with his right hand.

Changmin was different though. His bed and his cubby were always completely bare, and even though Yunho was his roommate, he had never seen Changmin spend any time at all visualizing. He was always on his phone, playing games with his earphones in, or chatting and laughing with his teammates, or doing homework at his desk. And he certainly didn't bother with superstitions.

But, almost definitely, that made Changmin the most normal of all of them.

 

 

Changmin didn't talk much about his background, preferring to gossip about the newest computer game or that new girl group with that super cute member, but Yunho remembered how much of a stir he caused when he first made the National Team.

The first time Yunho saw Changmin in any memorable circumstance was soon after the new National Team was chosen for the year. Yunho knew that Changmin was one of the new members, but barely remembered seeing him at all. This Shim Changmin had come onto the scene unexpectedly, and placed within the top five in all six events he entered, even winning a silver medal in the 200-metre freestyle at Nationals.

It had been a shock to say the least.

The swimming community was quite small. Since they were children, all of the athletes grew up competing against the same athletes. Since they were juniors, they were all vying for those National Team spots, going to swim training camp every year, training day and night, barely ever getting out of the pool, and if they did, only to do dry land training.

Yunho would have thought it would have been downright impossible for someone to come into the sport so late.

But this Shim Changmin – before this season, he had never been seen before in competitive swimming. He had apparently passed the elite qualifiers with flying colours that year, won four medals at Classics, and was invited to Nationals for the first time. And somehow, miraculously, at his first Nationals, managed to nab a spot on the National Team.

Everyone, _everyone_ who knew _anything_ about the sport, was _shocked_.

It had instantly become a story that was plastered all over the papers and the Internet, a Cinderella story of a seventeen-year-old homeless boy who made it all the way to the National Team that the whole country had been waiting for. Of course, it helped that Changmin was impossibly good-looking, face so handsome that it was a wonder that he wasn't recruited by some entertainment company who wanted to make him an actor or an idol.

Even Yunho, who won the most golds at National this year, didn't get half the publicity that Changmin did. In fact, a reporter had come up to Yunho for an interview just after the meet, and when Yunho was standing in front of the camera, asked, "What do you think about Shim Changmin? Is he a threat to you?"

It was clear that Changmin had given up his amateur status as soon as he could, because he accepted sponsorships and ads, filming commercials for energy drinks and cereal even before he moved into the athlete's village with the rest of the National Team.

In fact, the whole team was eating from a cereal box with Changmin's face on it for breakfast.

"I wonder if he has any idea what he's doing with that," muttered Soonil, one of Yunho's closest teammates had said. "He can't get scouted by colleges because he started accepting sponsorship, plus, his popularity isn't going to stay if he doesn't perform as well as everyone wants him to. Apparently, he's given up his amateur status already and he doesn't even have an agent."

Yunho raised his eyebrows. Even Yunho hadn't yet given up his amateur status, even though he was the National Champion for the two years in the running. He had committed to swimming for Seoul National University, but he had deferred his acceptance until after the Olympics. Maybe Changmin had other goals though, what would Yunho know?

"He was picked up by a community instructor at his local pool. I read in the papers that he still lives in a group home," Soonil said to Yunho on their way to the locker room from the pool. "He's never gotten real training before. I wonder if he'll be able to keep up here."

"The only thing is, Soonil," said Yunho, pained, "records don't lie. And the fact is that he's been swimming really, really well this entire season, in a lot of events. Better than at least half the National Team. He's not a fluke."

Soonil pouted. "If he makes the World Team this year and I don't, I'll probably throw something." Yunho had to give him a pat on the head to soften him up before the afternoon swim.

 

 

Needless to say, Yunho was kind of ready to hate this kid – except, Changmin was likable.

Really, _really_ likable.

Yunho met Changmin for the first time after he was finished with his workouts for the day a couple of weeks after Nationals. He had just stepped out of the shower and that was when he saw his new roommate unpacking his things from the duffle bag he'd brought.

Yunho continued to towel himself dry and approached the new athlete. "Hey."

The bright smile, with the bright eyes folding into half-moons, right eye becoming smaller than the left, he got in return was a bit unnerving. "Hey! I saw you at Nationals. Or, more like, I watched you at Nationals. You're really good. I'm Shim Changmin, nice to meet you."

In Yunho's defense, it wasn't that Yunho didn't like the kid; it was that Changmin's attitude was not conducive to survival here.

Training at the athlete's village was tough if put lightly, and downright Hell in reality. Training was waking up at 4:30 AM every morning, going for 15-kilometre runs every morning with weights around their ankles, swimming until there was not a single breath left in your lungs only to go to dry land training until there was not a single muscle in your body that wasn't on fire, all under a tough coach who didn't hesitate to force them through impossible exercises or raise his hand to the athletes if ever they didn't perform up to his exorbitantly high standards.

"You should just quit now if you're just here to check this place out."

The younger's smile faltered a bit. "What?"

"I'm just warning you. This isn't a playground," said Yunho seriously. "If you don't show that you want it, life's going to get really hard. So quitting now may be the best option for you."

At the words, Changmin's body language completely changed. He drew himself up to his full height, looked right into Yunho's eyes and spoke.

"I appreciate the warning," said Changmin clearly. "But I know how to take care of myself, thanks."

Yunho turned his back on his new roommate and got dressed. When he finished and turned back, he saw Changmin sitting on the edge of his bed with his legs swinging back and forth, looking at Yunho.

"What?" asked Yunho.

Changmin smiled again. "Nothing. Just wondered if you wanna share a chocolate bar," he said, holding one up.

After a hard day of practice, Yunho couldn't resist.

 

 

Changmin started off on the wrong foot with the coach, who had made it clear that he wasn't happy with Changmin having taken a spot on the Team to begin with.

Changmin had joined them and the assistant coach for the morning run, but to someone who wasn't used to running the 15 kilometres, with weights around their ankles at that, it would have been miraculous if they could keep up.

Yunho ran ahead of Changmin at his usual pace, because Yunho was never, ever willing to sacrifice his own training for anything or anyone else, but when he had made the course with the rest of the team an hour and a bit later and realized that Changmin had fallen behind, he felt a pang of guilt that he hadn't taken care of his roommate.

Changmin arrived after the rest of the team was getting ready for the morning swim. Yunho's guilt and worry for Changmin grew when Changmin still hadn't shown up by the time they had all lined up shoulder-to-shoulder by the side of the pool in front of the coach after stretching.

"Where the hell in Shim Changmin?" he asked.

No one was brave enough to speak except the assistant coach, who explained, "He's just getting back from the morning run."

As if on cue, Changmin pushed the doors into the pool, finally having changed into his swimsuit but still breathing heavily. Changmin took a glance at the line and figuring it out, joined the team at the end of the line.

"Look who's shown up."

The coach stepped slowly towards the new member, whose gaze was fixed down at the level of the coach's shoulders. The coach reached up and grabbed a fistful of Changmin's hair, making him wince.

"The media calls you a star, so you really think you're one, don't you?"

"No, sir."

The bright smiles that Changmin had on last night was gone now, to be replaced with a look of – Yunho realized as a chill ran down his spine – of pure loathing.

"You think the National Team is a joke? You thought you could just walk in here and continue your pretense as an athlete?"

The coach let go of Changmin's hair with a push, making Changmin stumble back.

"Useless piece of shit."

The coach raised his hand and pulled it back, and Yunho closed his eyes before the hand connect to the side of Changmin's head.

 

 

Although Changmin may not have been used to the running or the weight training, there was no doubt that he was a gifted swimmer.

Changmin's body was probably created by God Himself for swimming. One stroke of his long, strong arms propelled him feet further than his competition, and his lean, perfectly streamlined body glided through the water with such effortless ease.

Over the next few months, Changmin polished up his technique and got stronger through the weight training and improved his breathing with the running. And once he did that, there was little doubt in Yunho's mind that Changmin would become the next big thing in the swimming world.

The fact that Changmin had so much to catch up on, though, meant that bruises almost never left Changmin's body, new ones appearing even before old ones began to fade.

He was beaten mercilessly for small errors, and Yunho rarely heard the coach call Changmin anything other than 'useless piece of shit'.

"I wonder what he wants from me when he calls me a useless piece of shit," mused Changmin one day when Yunho and Changmin were alone in the room together. "Am I supposed to work harder to try to prove that I'm not a useless piece of shit? Or am I supposed to just confirm my suspicions that the coach is an abusive dickhead?"

Yunho had chuckled, because he really didn't know how to answer that question.

 

 

Even with everything that he was going through though, in the permanently high-strung, tense environment, Changmin was a breath of fresh air.

After the first day of training, which had been rough, Yunho was careful when he entered their room, but he needn't have worried; Changmin was sitting on his bed with his legs swinging back and forth, again, eating his damn chocolate bar.

He cheerfully offered Yunho a piece again, but Yunho refused, thinking that Changmin deserved to eat the whole thing today. He asked Yunho a bunch of questions about how he did his schoolwork and how Changmin was supposed to get in touch with his tutor, but then he reverted back to listening to his music and playing games on his phone until he fell asleep.

Given what the media put on Changmin's shoulders, he was much more down to earth that Yunho expected him to be. In fact, on the second day at breakfast, Soonil had taken it upon himself to ask Changmin about all of it.

"So?" said Soonil, pointing at the cereal box with his chin.

"What?" asked Changmin, glancing at the box.

"Why did you do it?" asked Soonil.

"Why would you not?" asked Changmin, sounding genuinely curious.

"There's a reason why everyone else turns down sponsorships."

At that, Changmin laughed. "Look, I'm really happy for you if you have the luxury of turning down a fifty thousand-dollar commercial deal," said Changmin. "But I'm just not there. I had to take it."

Soonil didn't have a response to that.

The other athletes didn't talk about anything except swimming. When Worlds approached and the selection committee began to sit in on their practices, just being next to any of the other swimmers was suffocating for Yunho; he could feel their stress without even having to talk to them.

On the other hand, Changmin never seemed stressed. He was serious when he was training, to be sure, but he wasn't _desperate_.

Yunho used to think that desperation was something that was absolutely necessary to be a successful swimmer, but seeing Changmin, he wasn't so sure.

The fact that Changmin wasn't desperate meant that nerves never got to him. He was always a consistent swimmer – a consistently excellent swimmer. Changmin never had amazingly fantastic days in training, but that also meant that he never had bad days. It also meant that Changmin was always well-rested, because the prospects of not making the World Team didn't keep him up at night.

Once the World Team selection time period came around, many swimmers began to show their inconsistency and their nerves, and even Yunho wasn't immune, even though he knew that he basically had a guaranteed spot on the team. He'd walked away from a swim with several bruises across the back of his thighs, and that night, Changmin helped put medicine over the bruises.

"It's kind of interesting to me that you tolerate this," mused Changmin, fingers gliding over the bruises.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean this _abuse_."

Yunho turned his head to stare at Changmin. "What?"

Changmin rolled his eyes. "I mean you're national athletes. People watch you. People listen to you. And yet you choose to tolerate this abuse." Changmin hummed. "It's interesting. Maybe I overreacted after all, at the group home. I wasn't anything, and I couldn't stand it. I did everything I could to leave. And so I ended up here, which… I don't know. Maybe wasn't the best replacement anyway. You can sit up now, I'm all done."

Yunho was taken aback, because while beating was part of his training once he became serious in competitive swimming, he had never in his head classified it as 'abuse' so much as coaches pushing athletes to be better.

This practice of coaches beating athletes to shave off extra milliseconds was never talked about. Everyone just accepted it. They had accepted it as children, and they accepted it now.

Yunho distinctly remembered never telling his parents that his coaches beat him because he was embarrassed to tell his parents that he had been so bad at practice that day that he had to be beaten. Even now, he felt the same as he was talking to Changmin. He would have preferred not talking about it at all.

Yunho sat up before speaking to his roommate.

"First off, you're a national athlete too. Be proud of it," chastised Yunho. "And secondly, our experiences with all this are different. Athletes have historically tolerated this."

"Have you ever thought about not tolerating it?"

Yunho thought for a second. Well… what could he really do? Call the police? The media?

It was the first time Yunho had ever thought seriously about the issue, and now that Changmin brought it up, he wondered why he didn't think about it sooner.

"No, I haven't," said Yunho slowly once his thoughts were organized. "I would never do anything about it because if I did, we're going to miss tons of practice because of investigations. I can feel it even when I miss one or two days of practice. If I decide to make a big deal out of this, we're all going to be missing weeks of training. None of us deserve that."

"It's strange, right?" said Changmin with a chuckle. "I used to think tolerating abuse was a thing of people of lower class, like me. But here you all are, from really nice backgrounds and really nice families and tons of fans and a whole country who looks at you like you're their hero, and you still. You still have to go through it all. It's fucked up."

Yunho was deep in thought when Changmin threw something into his lap from his bed. Yunho looked up at Changmin in surprise.

Changmin was smiling. "Anyway. Wanna share that chocolate bar?"


	2. Chapter 2

To no one's surprise, Yunho made the five-member Worlds team again that year.

To everyone's surprise, so did Changmin.

When Yunho's name was announced, he felt as if a burden was being lifted from his shoulders and was barely holding back tears of sheer relief. He buried his face in his hands and said a prayer of thanks, and doubled over as he felt the nerves leaving him. It took him several breaths and pats on his shoulders from his teammates to settle down again.

When Changmin's name was announced, he smiled and nodded, but didn't otherwise react.

"How come you're not that happy to have made Worlds?" asked Yunho once they were alone in their room that night. Yunho had just called his family and had relayed the good news; they had been ecstatic for him as always. The entire time, Changmin was studying at his desk, and Yunho didn't understand how. When he first made Worlds, he was so excited that he couldn't even sleep, no less study. "It's your first international assignment. And it's going to be Worlds."

Changmin looked up from his schoolwork.

"I _am_ happy to have made Worlds," said Changmin, fiddling with his pen. "I just… wasn't expecting to make it, so it was just… a surprise. That's why I didn't react."

"You're not even that happy now," pointed out Yunho. "Changmin. All the other guys on the team who didn't make Worlds are going to be crying themselves to sleep tonight. You need to at least be happy. For their sake."

Changmin looked and Yunho and sighed. "I am happy. I'm not lying about that. It's also just that… It wouldn't have been the end of the world for me not to have made it."

Yunho narrowed his eyes when Changmin spoke again. "But I do recognize that even for me, making it to Worlds is a big deal. I am happy."

"What does that even mean?"

"I mean I'm not like you guys," said Changmin flatly. "I'm not hung up on winning at Worlds or the Olympics."

"Oh my God, Changmin," said Yunho, shaking his head in frustration. "What a complete _waste_ of your talent. _And_ your time and effort."

Changmin sighed and put his pen down. "You don't really get it. Maybe one day, you will."

Yunho doubted it.

"Let's talk about something better," said Changmin, looking right at Yunho and eyes sparkling. " _Retirement_."

"Your career literally just started," said Yunho in disbelief. "You're already thinking about retirement?"

Changmin ignored him.

"When do you think you're going to retire?" asked Changmin.

"When I win Olympic gold," said Yunho stubbornly.

Yunho expected a snort, but what returned was a low hum.

"And what if you don't win Olympic gold this quad? You're going for the one after?"

Yunho thought for a bit. "Yeah, I think I'll still have it in me to try for another quad."

Changmin looked at him curiously. "But this is what I don't understand about you guys. All of you guys who want Olympic gold," he said. "Like… _Why_? Why do you want Olympic gold?"

Yunho stared. "Why _not_?"

"Because it's completely meaningless? Because hundreds of people get an Olympic gold every four years? And every year, records are beaten and you are definitely not the first, the last, or the only person with Olympic gold? Because going for that Olympic gold is actual hell on Earth?"

"Stop it," groaned Yunho. "Stop trying to invalidate what I've been trying to achieve for my whole life."

Changmin shrugged. "I'm not trying to invalidate anything. If it's your life goal, I'm sure I wouldn't be able to convince you."

Yunho sighed and plopped his head down on the pillow. "Why do you swim then? What do you want to get out of this?"

"To stay on the National Team for a couple of years," said Changmin. "And then one day, I'm gonna book it out of here."

Yunho shook his head in disbelief. "What's the point of that?"

"The point, hyung, is that already, I'm pretty sure that I am going to live an acceptable life, just by being on this team for like… 4 months." Changmin sat up. "Hyung. I know you think that I shouldn't have accepted those sponsorships for whatever reason. But you know what? I'm not going to have to worry about food to eat or a bed to sleep in for the next like… five years because I got those sponsorships. Hyung. My goal is really simple." He looked right at Yunho. "My goal is to live a reasonable life."

A hot surge of anger coursed through Yunho's body. It was upsetting to him that Changmin didn't understand how sacred his position was.

"You don't need to be an international athlete to live a reasonable life," said Yunho, barely controlling his voice from shaking with anger.

"No, but it's one way to do it," said Changmin.

"And you wonder why the coach beats you and calls you a useless piece of shit," said Yunho angrily. " _You don't give a fuck_. You don't give a fuck about the team, your sponsors, your fans, the people who are working day and night to help you win –"

"No one ever gave fucks about me until I made this stupid team, why am I obligated to give fucks about anyone else?" shot back Changmin.

"Because you've made it this far, and you need to appreciate how lucky you are!"

" _Lucky_?" repeated Changmin in disbelief. "Jung Yunho, don't you dare. _Don't you dare_."

"The coach is right," said Yunho, shaking his head. "You don't deserve to be on the National Team."

" _Fuck you_ ," said Changmin. And for the first time, Yunho saw tears well up in Changmin's eyes. "Fuck you. Don't you dare run your mouth like that when you have no fucking idea who I even am."

"I don't care who you are," said Yunho, blood boiling. "You don't deserve to represent this country with that attitude."

"Like I give a fuck about what you think," spat Changmin, glaring at Yunho.

"You're reacting pretty hard for someone who doesn't care what I think."

Changmin slammed the pen down on his book and stood up from the chair and pointed a finger into Yunho's face. " _Don't ever speak to me like that again_."

Changmin then got up and left the room, slamming the door shut behind him.

 

 

When Yunho's initial anger subsided, he realized how much of an asshole he'd just been.

What Changmin had said was true – Yunho didn't really know who Changmin was, despite living with him for the past several months. He didn't know what his history was besides what was mentioned in the papers – no details except that he lived in a group home, and no reason given why – and he didn't know why Changmin chose swimming. With some amount of guilt, he realized that he actually didn't know Changmin at all, and hadn't ever made an effort to find out.

And honestly, what did it matter what Changmin's motivations were? Changmin earned his berth on the Worlds Team with hard work and sheer talent, and it wasn't Yunho's place to discredit any of that. Whether or not Changmin wanted to win in competition honestly mattered very little, because he performed well regardless.

He lay in bed, unable to sleep and feeling so, so guilty. He swore that he would apologize to Changmin once he came back, and even thought about what he should say to his roommate once he returned.

When it was midnight, leaving them only four more hours of sleep, and Changmin hadn't returned to their room, Yunho was starting to get worried, so he decided to try to find the younger. He stopped at a vending machine for a chocolate bar before trying to find his roommate.

It didn't take very long; Changmin was sitting on the couch in the empty common room alone with the TV on. He wasn't really watching, though, clearly deep in thought.

Yunho approached Changmin carefully and took a seat next to him. Changmin glanced at him, gave him an annoyed glare, and then proceeded to ignore him.

"…You have to go to bed. We only have four hours until we have to wake up."

Changmin continued to ignore him.

"We're going to be exhausted tomorrow if we don't sleep now."

"So sleep. You don't have to pretend you care about me after you've just told me you want me gone."

"I didn't mean that," said Yunho softly. "I'm sorry."

Changmin raised the volume on the TV and went back to ignoring Yunho.

"Changmin… you have to tell me what happened," said Yunho quietly.

"Fuck off."

"You have to tell me what happened to you so that I can apologize to you properly."

"I don't need your fucking apology."

"Yes, you do. And I owe you one."

"I don't need anything from you. Just fuck off."

"…Wanna share a chocolate bar?"

" _No_. _God. Fuck off_."

Yunho hesitated.

"I'm really sorry."

Changmin snorted and spoke without looking at Yunho. "I'm sure you are."

"…So you'll tell me?" asked Yunho, eyeing the younger. "Because –"

"Fuck, do you ever shut up?" snapped Changmin turning around towards Yunho. "Do you ever use your brain, or is swimming the only thing you know how to do?"

"Changmin…"

"You're a judgemental asshole who makes no effort to understand anything, why are you bothering to even talk to me right now?"

Yunho hung his head. He couldn't even defend himself.

"… I'm… I'm sorry," whispered Yunho.

Changmin gave Yunho one last dirty look, got up, and left the common room.

Yunho followed timidly as Changmin made his way back into their room. Changmin just got into his bed with his back turned against Yunho, and didn't speak to Yunho for the rest of the night.

 

 

The next day, Changmin swam extremely well – he finally had that really fantastic day in practice. He even finally earned a compliment from the coach, and was sent to have an early dinner.

The same couldn't be said for Yunho, who probably just had his worst swim of the year.

Needless to say, Yunho had more bruises by the end of the practice.

He struggled to deal with the pain that night, for one of the first times ever, bringing out a bag of ice. Changmin watched the whole thing from his bed wordlessly – he hadn't spoken to Yunho all day – but when Yunho struggled to place the ice bag on himself, Changmin got up from his bed and slowly walked towards Yunho.

"Lay down," instructed Changmin quietly. "Give me that."

Yunho did as Changmin told him, and Changmin helped arranged the bag over Yunho. "Thanks," said Yunho.

Changmin crossed arms and watched Yunho for a moment, then spoke again.

"You know, I don't sit there thinking about it and crying about it or whatever, so you don't have to either. I've moved on. Take care of yourself, because you doing this to yourself isn't going to change anything."

Yunho buried his face into his pillow again, and soon, Yunho felt Changmin's hands on his back for a massage.

"You don't have to do that," said Yunho timidly, but Changmin continued on.

"You know… last night…" said Yunho quietly. "You know… I really didn't mean what I said."

Yunho heard Changmin let out a sigh. "I know."

"You're a really great swimmer who made the World Team with really hard work. Why you work so hard isn't important, in the end, and it's none of my business. But I just… wished you wanted to win. Because you'd be so, so good, and I'm actually really jealous of you for being so good."

"You're better than I am."

"I won't be for long."

Changmin laughed a little. "I'm not sure about that."

"Anyway. The bottom line is that I was an ass last night and I'm really sorry."

"It's okay. I overreacted too."

"No, you didn't," said Yunho.

"I did. I just… I don't know. I don't like thinking about what happened before."

Yunho let Changmin massage him for a little while in silence, then spoke.

"What… what happened?"

Changmin hesitated.

"I don't want you to look at me differently. I don't want you to look at me like some charity case."

"I won't," promised Yunho.

Changmin took a deep breath.

"Well… I guess I was given up when I was a baby for some reason or other," said Changmin. "I don't remember my birth parents at all, so… Anyway. I bounced around from foster home to foster home for most of my life, and most of them were really fucked up, you know? Like… long story short, if you're going to have a foster child, don't beat them, starve them, lock them in the basement for days, or lock them out of the house in the dead of winter."

Yunho made a noise of assent, but he really didn't know how to react.

"But anyway. I went through probably thirty foster homes by the time I was thirteen, and that's when I decided to go into a group home for abandoned youth instead, and surprisingly, they let me," said Changmin. "That was a bit more reasonable. At least I didn't have to move every couple of months, and I hated not knowing how my next foster home was going to be."

Changmin took a deep breath.

"So at the group home, at least you get a bed, three square meals, and a desk, maybe. There are constantly volunteers and other people coming through to make you feel bad about yourself, but whatever. And then like, they want to pretend they're like… helping us live a normal childhood and stuff, so they make you go to school, and they make you learn a sport or music or something like that. I chose swimming, and I didn't want to be at the actual group home much so I spent a lot of time at the pool."

"Good thing you chose it," breathed Yunho.

Changmin laughed again, but it didn't sound like his usual laugh. Regardless of how bravely Changmin told the story, Yunho could tell that it was still painful for him.

"You said I was lucky to have made it this far," said Changmin quietly. "But I don't think I'm lucky. If anything, it's the complete opposite."

Changmin's hands on Yunho's back were finally still, and when Changmin spoke again, his voice was shaking.

"Hyung, you're really lucky that you always had someone to look after you, to take you to and from swim practice, to cook for you, to love you, and that you have someone to call when you have good news to share."

Yunho finally sat up and turned to Changmin, and Yunho realized that Changmin's eyes were filled with tears – and Yunho felt his heart breaking. _Oh, god._

"I wasn't as happy as you when I found out that made it to Worlds, because making it to the World Team doesn't mean a lot when there's no one to celebrate with you… and no one to be really happy for you."

A tear fell from Changmin's eye.

"You're really lucky that you're not alone in the world, like I am."

Yunho didn't know what to say except _I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry_.


	3. Chapter 3

Actually, the Korean team didn't perform too well at that Worlds.

It wasn't that they swam badly, per se, but Korea has never been a dominant country in swimming, and the athletes from the other countries were just too good; it was, of course, another level altogether.

Yunho did come away with a medal, a silver in the 200-metre backstroke – and that was the only medal for the entire team that year.

Changmin competed in only one event, the 200-metre freestyle. He actually did very well, especially for this being his first Worlds and his first international meet. He came in sixth overall – in fact, Yunho was really impressed.

The coach was less impressed.

Once they got back to Korea, the failure of a World Team was really put through the paces, the coaches assigning extra workouts as punishment and really pushing them to their absolute physical and emotional limits.

Yunho was exempt from the punishment thanks to his silver medal, but chose to go through the grinds, because he couldn't just watch Changmin suffer.

Yunho was questioning his decision by the end, when they weren't allowed to go to bed that night until two in the morning (which already promised an awful next day on top of everything else). Yunho had done this before, and although it didn't get any easier, at least when he stumbled into the room, he wasn't covered in tears and sweat like Changmin was.

Changmin barely even made it to his bed before collapsing on it.

"This can't be legal," muttered Changmin.

"You did well today," said Yunho apologetically.

"I don't know what it is about being forced to exercise, but I fucking hate it," said Changmin. "It's so weird because during the day, I actually don't even mind exercising."

Yunho got up, grabbed a towel and walked towards Changmin's bed, and sat down next to him on the bed. He put the towel in Changmin's hand so that he could wipe his face with it. "Here."

Changmin muttered a word of thanks but his arms didn't seem to want to move. Yunho began to massage him, but Changmin jumped as soon as Yunho touched his thigh. "God. I'm so sore. Don't touch me."

Yunho patted Changmin's back instead. "We'll do better in the next meet."

"I'd rather not go if this is what it means," muttered Changmin, and Yunho couldn't help but lightly slap Changmin's shoulder.

"Don't say that."

"Don't hit me, I got enough of that today," said Changmin flatly.

"You're going to do really well at the next Worlds. I can see it. You were so, so good already this year."

Changmin groaned and buried his face into the pillow.

"They all want to make the Worlds Team knowing this?"

"Yeah. They're all still super jealous of you," said Yunho.

"Fuck," mumbled Changmin, shaking his head. "If I make the Olympic team, I'll make sure to retire before they can do anything to me if I come away from the Olympics without a medal. They'll probably really kill me then."

Yunho sighed.

He wondered if Changmin ever like swimming again.

"Didn't you enjoy travelling though?" asked Yunho.

Changmin actually made the effort to lift his head towards Yunho and made a face.

"…We didn't get to see anything except the hotel and the pool."

Yunho didn't have a reply to that.

"You should sleep," he said.

Changmin just grunted in response.

 

 

Worlds were the end of every "season", even though there was really no such thing in elite swimming, as in most elite-level sports.

With that said, just after Worlds, there was a month that they called "off season", when all of the athletes were permitted to go back to their own swimming clubs to train before returning to the athlete's village the next month. Of course, all the athletes took advantage of this; they did the minimum to stay in shape. This was their longest holiday of the year, and everyone looked forward to it – but Yunho wasn't sure about Changmin.

Yunho took note of Changmin's hardening face when the announcement was made among a sea of claps and cheers.

"Will you… be going back to the group home for break?" asked Yunho later that night.

Changmin winced, but shook his head.

"I can't. I've already given up my bed there," said Changmin, wringing his hands.

"They… won't give you a new one?"

Changmin shrugged. "I don't know if they'll take me back, I was on the wait list for that group home for months before I got a spot when I first moved in. I think they'll let me stay here, that way I'll have somewhere to train too. The pool I used to train at wasn't a standard Olympic-sized pool."

Yunho watched wordlessly for a moment, then spoke.

"Do you… want to come stay with me at my house? You could train with me at my swimming club and –"

"No," said Changmin quickly even before Yunho finished his sentence. "No."

"Why not?"

"Why would I? I don't live with you."

"I know, but it's nice to stay with, you know, the people who care about you for holidays."

Changmin looked startled. He seemed to think it over, then looked up for a second uncertainly. "…You live alone?"

"With my parents," said Yunho, and as soon as he said that, Changmin shook his head vigorously.

"No."

"Why not? My parents are really nice. I know they'd love to have you."

Changmin picked at his blanket over his lap and shook his head. "No. I don't want to… intrude."

"You wouldn't be intruding," promised Yunho. "My parents really –"

"No," repeated Changmin much more decisively, looking right into Yunho's eyes. "I'm going to be fine. This isn't going to be anything new for me."

"But… it's supposed to be a break."

Changmin smiled confidently. "It'll be a break for me here as long as the coach goes home too, which he will."

Yunho wasn't really sure, but he nodded slowly.

 

 

 

Changmin was allowed to stay at the Village after all, and he looked visibly more relaxed after that, and Yunho understood; otherwise, Changmin would have been kicked out on the streets. And so, the day their break started, Changmin was lounging on his bed on his phone as Yunho finished up packing just before leaving for home.

"God, I love when I get those texts from the boys in school that used to bully me," said Changmin with a snort. "'I'm sorry what I did to you. Can we make up?' Uh, how about no, you son of a bitch." He stabbed at his phone screen with his finger violently.

Yunho chuckled. He then eyed Changmin and spoke carefully.

"Changmin… come over to my house."

"No, God, no means no," snapped Changmin. He then glanced at the clock. "You have to hurry, or you're going to miss your train."

Changmin then got up from his bed and stretched his arms out.

"I'm gonna get some breakfast and then I think I'm going to go for a run."

"Oh," said Yunho stupidly. "Um… well… I'm going to be gone when you get back from that."

"Then I'll see you when you get back," said Changmin.

The smile he gave Yunho was so bright that Yunho convinced himself, _Changmin is going to be okay_.

 

 

After packing, Yunho gathered his bags and dropped by the cafeteria to see if Changmin would be there, but he wasn't; Changmin was probably on his run.

Yunho wouldn't be able to find Changmin if he was gone, so he decided to call Changmin instead. Changmin answered a few rings later, but he was definitely not in the middle of a run.

"Hello?"

"Hey."

"What?" Changmin sounded annoyed.

"You're not running," accused Yunho.

"I met some rowers in the cafeteria at breakfast and I'm making friends with them. It's actually kind of nice when you guys are gone, I get to meet new people. I gotta go now, they're going to think I'm rude."

Yunho narrowed his eyes because clearly, Changmin was lying.

Changmin wasn't at breakfast.

Yunho _knew_ the rowing team (and basically every other water sport team, because… well, he knew everyone) and _they_ weren't at breakfast right now.

Worry crept back into Yunho's mind. "Changmin, it's not too late to change your mind."

"Oh my God, hyung," said Changmin, and Yunho could practically see Changmin rolling his eyes. "Let me make friends. Don't call me, text me, or do anything to contact me this break. I'm not going to contact you either. Forget the team and enjoy your break, okay?"

Changmin hung up before Yunho could even draw in a breath.

 

 

Every time he went home to Gwangju, Yunho was absolutely _pampered_.

The never-ending hugs and kisses from his mother was one thing, his dad's proud smile and pats on the back were another.

Yunho had taken it all for granted until now – he only saw his parents a few days over the year after all.

This year, though, he felt a bit more appreciative as his mother served him a helping of homemade japchae – his favourite.

Yunho was shoving as much as he can he could as soon as his parents sat down. Once Yunho had eaten his fill and had slowed down a bit, they were finally able to start carrying on a conversation, much to his father's amusement. His father was usually quiet, so it was mostly Yunho and his mother talking, and his father listening. Eventually, the topic reached Changmin.

"Tell us about your new roommate, Yunho," said his mother. "We've read about him in the papers."

"He's … I don't know," said Yunho, struggling to find the right words. "He's…"

"You don't get along with him?" asked his mother worriedly. "He seemed like a nice boy from the interviews he's done."

Yunho shook his head. "No, no, we get along just fine. And he _is_ a nice boy. He's a bit different from everyone else because… he's been through a lot, you know? He kind of… thinks differently. But I mean, it's understandable because he's had a pretty tough go at life. Like, he didn't have anywhere to go this break, so he's still at the athlete's village."

His mother clucked his tongue. "Oh, poor thing. Why didn't you bring him over for the break, Yunho?"

Yunho looked up at his mom, feeling a bit defensive. "I tried. He wouldn't come. He thought he would be an inconvenience."

"Oh, I wish he wouldn't have thought that," said his mother sadly. "Perhaps you could invite him over for dinner one night if he doesn't want to stay for the whole break."

Yunho nodded and picked at his food slowly.

_I wonder what Changmin's doing all alone right now._

 

 

Yunho still trained when he was at home, but definitely not as hard.

He still ran, but he ran without weights on the treadmill at the local gym near his swimming club instead of going outside. He only did one swim a day instead of two, and he cut his resistance training to a minimum. Overall, instead of training for nine hours a day, he was only putting in four hours a day.

Seeing his old coach that first took him to Nationals and coached him to the Junior National Team was always a warm reminder that he was home as well. He had always coached Yunho in the most supportive way, pushing him to be better but always helping him remember that he should be enjoying his time in the pool.

Sometimes, he wished that his old coach had been tougher on him, because it took him quite a while to adjust to the training culture of the junior national team. When he first made the team, he thought about quitting swimming every day. Yunho trained hard, but because he was so scared. At the time, he prayed to God every day that he would have a good swim that day and that he would make it out of the pool alive.

Yunho was much taller and stronger now, and could easily overtake his old junior national team coach with brute strength, but he thought that he would still cower if he saw him again.

This pool where it all started though, was home.

He hadn't played in the water since he left the pool, or even seen anyone play in the pool.

But when he walked into the pool for the first time that break for training and saw the little kids splashing water on each other and laughing, he couldn't help but let out an empty laugh.

_This was supposed to be what this was about._

He watched the kids, it only sinking in how this had become work – not just work, but _really hard work_ instead of play.

He was just standing there blankly when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Yunho."

Yunho jumped and quickly turned to see the familiar face.

"Coach!"

Yunho fell into his old coach's hug, feeling like a kid again.

"God, I'm so proud of you," he said. "I watched you at Worlds on TV, Yunho, I'm so proud of you. I'm so proud to have coached you."

"Coach," Yunho whined with a smile. "You're the one who took me there. I could never have even been there without you."

"Rubbish," replied the coach, but Yunho buried his face into his old coach's shoulder.

God, when he came home, he felt like he became a child again.

The warm pats on his back were all he needed to make up for the hard training he went through for the past year.

"All right, Yunho, let's see you swim," he said with a proud smile on his face. "I want to see you swim."

Yunho probably swam harder that day than he did at Worlds.

 

 

As promised, Yunho didn't hear from Changmin when the break started.

At first, he was worried that Changmin might not be taking care of himself, but then he realized that he was being silly, because Changmin had taken care of himself so well all his life; now wasn't any different. And so, Yunho actually almost forgot about his teammate until two weeks into the break.

He had settled into the new easygoing routine of the break, and it wasn't until he returned from a workout at the gym in the evening and was curled up on the couch, watching TV, that his father approached him with his phone that he'd left at the kitchen table. His face looked so guilty that the immediate thought that Yunho had was that his dad had broken his phone somehow.

"I didn't mean to snoop, Yunho.  It just… rang and I happened to be next to it."

_Well, at least he didn't break the thing._

"That's okay," said Yunho easily, taking the phone from his dad. "Thanks."

He wasn't quite ready for the text from Changmin.

 

 _Kinda miss you today_.

 

Yunho swallowed.

God, he was so stupid for actually not ever contacting Changmin throughout the break.

He was frozen until his father put a hand on his shoulder.

"I think you should go and see if you can convince him to spend the rest of the break with us, Yunho."

Yunho was up and out the door within the minute.


	4. Chapter 4

When he got to the swimming pool at the Athlete's Village after a two-hour drive, Yunho couldn't even breathe.

It was just one person at the pool, just Changmin; but he, just that still-fully-clothed little being sitting on the very edge of one of the diving blocks, was staring off into space at the length of the swimming pool which seemed so, so long with not a single ripple in the pool in dead silence.

Yunho wondered how long Changmin had spent sitting here, and how many days during the break he spent just sitting here blankly like this.

Changmin didn't hear Yunho approaching, even when Yunho was only feet behind him.

Yunho hesitated for a moment, but then put a hand on Changmin's shoulder.

"Changmin…?"

" _Ahhhh!_ "

Changmin let out a short yell of shock before losing his balance – and Yunho's horror, Changmin tumbled straight into the water below.

"Oh my God! Changmin!" yelled Yunho in horror, watching white foam come up and ripples appear from below the blue waters that, just a second ago, had been completely still. ""I'm sorry!"

Changmin came up a little bit later, gasping for air, and Yunho knelt at the edge of the deck and stretched out his hand.

"Here! Take my hand."

Changmin was _annoyed_.

He didn't take Yunho's hand.

"Did you just try to rescue me? I know how to swim, in case you haven't noticed!" yelled Changmin.

Yunho only then realized how stupid he'd just been. Of course. He was looking at an international swimmer.

"Yes, I know, I'm sorry, just come up," said Yunho, extending his hand again.

Changmin rolled his eyes before taking Yunho's hand.

Yunho wasn't quite ready for the pull that Changmin gave, and the next thing he knew, he was underwater.

 

It was quiet in the water.

And there was nothing around him but blue, blanketing him in tranquility.

He could see a little bit of sunshine coming through the window a bit further away, and he almost wanted to swim to it, except –

 

He came up for a much-needed breath, and when he did, he saw Changmin on the other side.

"What the hell!" yelled Yunho.

"You deserved it!" snapped Changmin.

"I'm still wearing my shoes, Shim Changmin!"

"I am too!" he shouted. "Who just sneaks up on other people like that?"

"I didn't sneak up –"

A splash of water hit Yunho's face.

"You –!"

Yunho struggled towards Changmin who swam away – or, at least tried – it wasn't quite the same with his clothes weighing him down.

"You're in so much trouble, Shim Changmin!" said Yunho, managing to grasp onto Changmin's National Team jacket and pulling him towards himself.

"Get – off –" Changmin turned towards Yunho and pushed Yunho's shoulders down, but Yunho took Changmin with him, and both of them were completely submerged underwater.

Blue water and silence again – except he had air in his lungs this time.

Yunho let go of Changmin's jacket and turned towards Changmin, who also let go of Yunho's shoulders. They made eye contact underwater – Changmin's hair was flowing with the water and he looked so very pretty – and as if they'd planned it, they began to swim – away from the edge of the pool and towards the middle of the pool.

When they resurfaced from below the water for breaths, they were both laughing.

Except that, for some reason, the fact that he'd had this moment, right here at this pool, with Changmin, almost made Yunho cry.

 

 

The walk of shame to their room was nearly unbearable.

Neither of them had a change of clothes on them, and they were trekking water behind them all over the floor.

Everyone who passed them by snickered and neither Yunho nor Changmin could even raise their heads to look at whoever was passing them by.

"You're the worst," muttered Yunho on the way back to their room.

"You started it," retorted Changmin, albeit quietly.

"If you hadn't pulled me in with you, I could have brought you a change of clothes."

"God, you're right, why didn't I think of that? I could have pushed you in after you brought me clothes, and then left you there to fend for yourself."

Yunho grunted. "You're the _worst_."

Changmin laughed a little, and for some reason, Yunho felt a little bit more comforted.

Once they reached their room – after having made their mark halfway across the Village – they stripped off their sopping wet clothes and began drying themselves off.

"So why are you here?" asked Changmin.

Yunho stared. "Because you said you missed me, remember?"

Changmin took in a breath to say something, but then after looking into Yunho's eyes, apparently changed his mind. "I…" he said, but he didn't continue.

He did continue eventually though.

"I mean… you were supposed to say that you came because you missed me too."

"Well… that too," said Yunho, and Changmin snorted.

"I mean… I do appreciate that you came. I don't appreciate that you scared me and pushed me into the pool."

"I didn't _push_ –"

"But either way, I mean…" said Changmin, clearly struggling to find words. "I mean… I…" He thought some more. "I don't know," he concluded.

Yunho laughed. "I do," he said. "Pack your bags right now. You're coming home with me."

Changmin's eyes widened in shock, for the second time today.

" _What_? Hyung. I told you, no –"

"You don't have a choice. You're coming home with me for the rest of the break."

"No, I can't – not with your parents there!"

"My parents are the ones who suggested it in the first place. They want you there."

Changmin shook his head. "I can't. I don't have anything to wear. I don't have anything to bring. _I've never seen them before._ I can't just walk into your family's house and – _No_."

"They don't care," said Yunho. "We're going to my house. Hurry up and pack, or I'm going to do it for you. Oh, and I'm going to need to borrow some of your dry clothes. And a pair of underwear, please."

"Forget it, you're not getting my underwear," shot Changmin.

But a few seconds later, Changmin had thrown a pair of underwear onto Yunho's bed along with a change of clothes.

 

 

Yunho did manage to somehow drag Changmin into his car, and somehow, they were driving to Yunho's house together.

The drive to Yunho's house was quite the experience; Yunho had never seen Changmin look so nervous, not even at Worlds. When Yunho pulled up into his familiar driveway, Changmin was so nervous he was barely even breathing.

"Hyung…" said Changmin just before they walked into Yunho's house, strangely serious. "Do I look okay?"

"You always look okay."

"But like… my hair… It gets really curly and messy sometimes, and…"

"Changmin, you look fine, I promise," reassured Yunho. He parked expertly and got out of the car, but Changmin didn't budge; Yunho had to physically open the door for him to get out.

"I don't want them to think I'm like… I don't know," said Changmin, running his fingers through his hair and then smoothing his jacket down as he reluctantly got out of the car.

"Changmin, I swear, they don't care."

As if on cue, the front door opened, revealing his mom – she'd evidently been waiting for them outside the window – and she ran out to greet both the boys in her slippers.

"Oh, Changmin!" she said, opening his arms to hug Changmin.

Changmin let Yunho's mom hug him and lifted his arms to return the hug weakly.

"It's so good to finally meet you, dear, we've heard so much about you!"

Changmin looked down at the ground as if he'd done something wrong. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I… really don't want to intrude. It's just… Yunho hyung was kind enough to invite me over and…"

" _Honey_ –"

"And… I do have somewhere else I can stay, so if, at any point, if I'm making you uncomfortable, please ask me to leave," said Changmin quietly.

"Oh, don't say that," said Yunho's mom, clucking her tongue and reaching (quite far) up to pat Changmin's cheek. "Come on in and make yourself at home, sweetheart. We were just about to have supper, you must be hungry."

Yunho noticed that Changmin took a deep breath before following her into the house.

 

 

Honestly, it would have been a lie for Yunho to say that it wasn't awkward at all.

Although Yunho and Changmin had grown quite close, it was different when Changmin was here.

There was the change in location, obviously, and the change in company – but most of all, there was a change in Changmin himself.

The easygoing, smiley Changmin was gone to be replaced with a stoic, quiet one who didn't make eye contact with anyone, even Yunho, and just stared at the floor most of the time, as if he'd done something wrong.

They sat down for dinner just minutes after, and Changmin seated himself at the end of the table and just ate, never looking up once. In fact, it looked like he just wanted to finish his food and leave. He just shoved all the food into his mouth and swallowed without even chewing properly. In the first five minutes, he had more or less cleaned his plate.

"Changmin, would you like seconds?" asked Mrs. Jung, obviously amused and halfway up. However, Changmin shook his head. He gave a massive swallow.

"No, thank you," he said quietly, still not looking at Mrs. Jung.

Every attempt at making conversation with Changmin was an utter fail. Even when addressed directly, he gave one-word answers, or if he were asked a question that required more than a few words to say, he'd just reply with a quiet, "I don't know." This was honestly shocking to Yunho, because Changmin was quite the chatterbox back at the Village in their room; he wondered what changed, and why he was acting so weird.

Changmin just sat still until they all finished eating, and when they did, Changmin finally spoke on his own accord.

"I'll do the dishes," said Changmin quickly, getting up and getting the plates together, but Yunho's mother stopped him.

"The dishwasher is going to do the dishes, dear, you don't have to worry about that," she said.

"I can load the dishwasher. Please let me."

She didn't let him.

 

 

After dinner, though, Changmin looked more lost than ever. He tugged on Yunho's sleeve after dinner before he could make his way to the living room.

"Hyung… where do I go…"

Yunho frowned.

"Why do you need to go anywhere?"

"Like… where do I go to… like… hide."

"What?" said Yunho incredulously. "Why would you hide?"

Changmin looked so uneasy that Yunho started to feel nervous himself.

"What is it? You want to be alone?"

Changmin looked uncertain, so Yunho took him by the hand.

"You can stay in my room if you want. Here. Come with me."

He led Changmin through the house and into his room. Unfortunately, it wasn't quite in a state to show to a guest.

"Um… yeah, sorry it's a bit messy…" said Yunho, scratching the back of his head. He tried to keep his side of the room clean back at the Village, but his room here at home wasn't quite getting the same care.

"I can clean it for you," said Changmin quietly, still not looking at Yunho. "Thanks."

"You don't have to do anything," said Yunho, starting to get uncomfortable. "Stop it. You're not a servant."

"Okay," said Changmin obviously just trying to get Yunho out the door. "Thanks."

 

 

Changmin was sitting on the floor in the corner of his room when he returned to his bedroom at bedtime, and Yunho just stared.

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing," said Changmin quickly.

"Come up on the bed. We have to share," said Yunho. Changmin hesitated.

"I'm okay on the floor."

"God, Changmin, don't be silly. My bed's big enough for both of us."

Changmin stayed where he was until Yunho got into bed, then timidly got into the bed next to Yunho. Changmin curled up in the corner of the bed and didn't move, didn't make a single sound.

He didn't even talk to Yunho.

By this point, Yunho was feeling guilty more than anything; he'd never seen Changmin as rattled as this, and this wasn't right. He turned over towards Changmin and placed a hand on his waist.

"Changmin… are you really uncomfortable here?" asked Yunho quietly.

Changmin didn't answer.

"Changmin… If you're really, really uncomfortable, you can go back to the Village. I just… thought that… it might be fun to spend the rest of the break with you here. I'm… I'm really sorry for dragging you here when you don't want to be here."

"Okay," said Changmin quietly. "I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable."

"No, you didn't –" began Yunho, but realizing that this was futile, Yunho decided to let it go.

 

 

Yunho slept in longer than they usually did at the Village – at any rate, he awoke after the sun was up.

"Morning," whispered Yunho, turning towards Changmin.

Changmin was already dressed and ready to leave.

 

 

When Yunho and Changmin made their way to the kitchen, Mrs. Jung was sitting at the dining room table, shelling a bag of beans. Yunho approached the table reluctantly.

"…Mom."

"Oh, good morning, boys," said Mrs. Jung with a smile.

"Mom, Changmin –"

"Changmin, will you help me with the beans?" said his mother, cutting Yunho off. "Yunho, your father's working in the garden outside, why don't you go and see if there's anything you can help with?"

"Mom –"

"Hurry, Yunho, I think he probably could use another hand, and Changmin, if you'd be so kind, I could use a bit of your help as well."

Yunho watched Changmin take a seat carefully at the table and reach towards the bag of beans before turning and heading towards the garden.

It turned out that his father was picking berries from the bushes, and probably didn't actually need Yunho's help that much. Nevertheless, Yunho took a hold of the branches and began to help his father.

A little while later, his father spoke.

"Yunho…" said his father. "…About Changmin…"

Yunho looked up, feeling a bit defensive. "He was really cheerful and outgoing when he first met me. I don't know what's going on with him, but he's usually –"

"That wasn't what I was going to say," said his father. Yunho stopped and looked at his father.

"Yunho… I think it's probably easy for everyone to think that Changmin doesn't need to be cared for because he's never been cared for before and he doesn't know what it's like to be cared for," he said. "Especially when he grew up so well, and turned out to be so successful. Changmin might even have convinced himself of that."

Yunho swallowed.

"But humans aren't meant to live alone, Yunho. Everyone needs to be loved and have someone to love. Everyone needs to know that there's someone in the world who will protect them when they need to be protected… and everyone deserves to have someone like that."

His father reached for another berry.

"In any case, it's not your responsibility," said his father. "But in other ways… I think it is."

Yunho had too much to think about to respond to that.

 

 

When Yunho and his father returned to the kitchen with the bowl of berries, Changmin was still sitting at the table, shelling beans. Yunho noticed that his eyes were a bit red and puffy, like he'd just been crying – clearly his mother had a talk with Changmin while his father had the one with Yunho – but he decided not to comment.

And for the first time, since he came to Yunho's house, Changmin smiled a little and spoke. "Hyung, is it okay if I stay for the rest of the break?"

Yunho was shocked, to say the least – he wondered what exactly it was his mother had said to Changmin – but he was grateful.

 

 

Changmin was more or less back to his normal self for the rest of the break. He talked, he laughed, he went out to train with Yunho and came back and was his lovely, personable, likeable self that Yunho had come to appreciate. He joked and relaxed with Yunho, and not only did he accept hugs from Yunho's parents, he was sometimes the first to give them.

On the last night of the break, which came way too quickly, the boys made two mugs of hot chocolate to bring out onto the deck while they watched the stars.

They were silent for a long time under the stars, but then Changmin took a deep breath.

"Thanks for having me over," he whispered. "You have no idea how much I loved my time here."

Yunho smiled. "I'm glad you decided to come."

"It's the first time I felt like I had someone to miss," said Changmin quietly. "I've never told anyone I missed them before."

Yunho didn't know what to say to that, but he didn't have to; Changmin spoke again.

"And I'm sorry I was so stupid when I first got here."

"No, you weren't stupid at all," said Yunho quickly. "But I'm glad you became normal again."

Changmin chuckled.

"It's just because… like… I didn't really know, right, I've never been in other people's houses before, except for the foster homes, and those – those are a different beast. I didn't really know like… how you're supposed to behave when you go over to… like… a friend's house."

Yunho looked at Changmin.

"They actually teach you how to survive foster homes, at some point," said Changmin. He took a sip of his hot chocolate. "They teach that. They say, be quiet, stay out of sight. Follow their rules, do what you're told to do and don't ask for anything."

Changmin sighed.

"Obviously there were good homes and bad homes… but even the best ones – everyone knew, right, that I was gonna be sent somewhere else in a couple of months. So no one really… I don't know. They never got attached to me and I never got attached to them."

He turned his head and looked at Yunho.

"I'm really thankful that you and your parents showed me what having a family feels like," said Changmin. "You've been just… so, so wonderful to me."

Yunho shuffled closer to Changmin and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. "Always, Changmin."

Changmin sighed and leaned his head onto Yunho's shoulder, and when he did, he saw a tear fall from Changmin's eye.

"But… Is it rude that I… that I still wish I had my own?"

Yunho almost felt like crying with him.


	5. Chapter 5

For the new season, Changmin was encouraged to specialize at his best two events, the freestyle and the butterfly. Changmin barely even seemed to think before he agreed in that meeting with the coach and the representative from Korean Swimming Association.

"We already have a really great all-arounder who's going to do better than I ever could at the medleys," he'd shrugged, pointing to Yunho with his chin. "I'm not great at backstroke and I hate the breaststroke anyway, so."

Once Changmin began to specialize, it was clear to not just Yunho, but to everyone that he was something special.

Shim Changmin was going to be something special.

Changmin broke the national record at baseline, at every practice, in every event he trained for. He always trained at the same pace, the same way, regardless of whether it was World Cup event that was coming up or the Asian Games. Every day, he focused on polishing his swims to shave off those milliseconds – his dives, his turns, his pacing, and building his endurance for a strong finish.

Changmin was assigned to compete in four events at the Asian Games, and then again at the Short Course Aquatic World Cup.

It would have been an understatement to say that he exceeded expectations.

He won the gold medal at the 200-metre freestyle at the Asian Games and came away with two silvers and a bronze, winning a medal in every event he entered. He had similarly impresive results at the Short Course World Cup event, winning two silvers and a bronze. In the end, he actually ended up winning more medals than even Yunho at both competitions.

If he wasn't a media celebrity already, he was now.

Because Changmin didn't have an agent, and didn't plan on getting one any time soon ("It's too complicated, plus, I don't want to sign over my life"),  there were potential agents and sponsors leaving their name cards and offers every day at the Village.

Changmin returned some of those calls, and he left the Village about once a month to discuss new sponsorships and then again for photoshoots – the coach always made it clear that he didn't approve, but Changmin ploughed on with his schedule.

However, about three months before Nationals, he completely stopped accepting any sponsorships.

For some reason, he also started training harder than ever, even outside the scheduled workouts. Instead of doing homework after their day, Changmin did extra sit-ups and push-ups.

Yunho had assumed that it was for a small World Cup event coming up, but when he'd walked into their room and saw Changmin at his desk, filling out an application form, was when Yunho finally wondered whether it was for another reason.

"What are you doing?"

Changmin looked up for a split second before focusing on his application again. "Applying for Classics."

"You're doing Classics?" asked Yunho incredulously.

"Yeah?" said Changmin seriously, like he didn't understand why Yunho was even asking that question.

Yunho gawked.

"Why? You don't have to prove yourself at domestic meets like that! You can just file a request to swim at Nationals, and if you're already on the National Team, they'll approve it by default."

"I can't risk it. And I have to do well at Nationals."

"My god, you've already been to Worlds, and you're an Asian Games champion. Why are you so hung up on Nationals?"

"Because I can't get kicked off the National Team," said Changmin decidedly. "Not yet. This is the meet that I have to peak for. Nationals is what _counts_."

Yunho rolled his eyes. "You're not gonna get kicked off the National Team. If anything really ridiculous happens, you could file an appeal and make your way back in."

Changmin gave Yunho a look and finally put down the pen.

"You know why I do a timed sport like swimming instead of a judged sport like diving or something?" said Changmin.

Yunho took a guess. "Because you don't want to wear the speedos?"

Changmin snorted. "You know I competed in one of those for elite qualifiers and at Classics, right?"

Yunho tilted his head towards the side. "No. Obviously I wasn't at elite qualifiers last year, and I didn't go to Classics either."

Pretty impressive, though, in hindsight, that Changmin did it all without borrowing the help of modern technology in the swimsuits they wore nowadays.

"I only got sponsored for swimwear after Classics. But anyway," said Changmin, shaking his head. "I swim because what I achieve can't be doubted. I know that no one's ever going to speak for me. No one can argue with me when I win, when I make the National Team, when I make the Worlds Team, or the Olympic Team."

"I thought you didn't care about winning any of those things," said Yunho.

"Might as well make some more money off endorsements while I can," shrugged Changmin.

Yunho couldn't argue with that.

 

 

Changmin completely killed it at Classics.

He won gold on all six events freestyle and butterfly events he entered and a silver on the 200-metre medley.

It was true that the field wasn't that deep and Changmin was the only National Team member to compete at Classics to begin with – this was a meet for swimmers to try to qualify for Nationals – but nevertheless, it took the media by storm again.

The night of Classics and Changmin had come back with his medal haul – Yunho's parents called Changmin to relay their congratulations – Yunho and Changmin, along with some of their other teammates went to the common room together to watch the segment on TV. They replayed Changmin's swims over and over, and then they aired an interview with Changmin, which made Changmin laugh out of shyness.

"Changmin, you're the only National Team member to compete at Classics. Why did you decide to compete here?" asked a reporter.

"Uh – Because I wanted to qualify for Nationals," said Changmin, looking a bit lost.

Yunho chuckled at just how genuine Changmin was.

"None of your National Team teammates are here today, because they will be qualifying by default. Why didn't you take the same route?"

"Uh – I don't think I'm quite at a point where everyone agrees that I deserve to compete at Nationals. I think I still have a lot to prove."

"Well, you've certainly proven yourself here today. How do you feel about having such a great meet?"

"Um, honestly, I'm just glad to have qualified for Nationals," said Changmin honestly. "And I'm going to keep working hard towards Nationals. I really hope I can make the National Team again this year."

Those comments became raved about as well.

 _This star swimmer is also so humble_ , said the media.

Yunho and Changmin laughed about how his comments were taken later in their room.

"I mean I really wasn't being humble," said Changmin, amused. "It's literally how I felt. I guess I also should have told them that making the National Team is the end game for me, not Worlds or Olympics or whatever. Humble is definitely not the right word. But… like… I'm really happy to have made Nationals. And now, I really want to kill it at Nationals this year too. It's going to be tougher because it's pre-Olympic year, all of you are getting better."

"So are you," said Yunho. "You're getting better faster than any of the rest of us."

Changmin decided to ignore him.

 

 

What Yunho didn't notice was how jealous the other members of the National Team were starting to feel towards Changmin.

Perhaps it was because Yunho got to spend a lot of time with Changmin outside the pool, and not only did he know just how much harder Changmin had worked to get here than the rest of them, but also because he got to know how down to earth Changmin was. He had forgotten, though, of course, that the rest of their teammates didn't always see that side of him, and probably saw someone who was born good, got a lot of attention that he didn't deserve yet, and seemed to care half as much as the rest of them.

Changmin obviously tried to ignore a lot of it, but being the newest to the team and also one of the youngest, he closed himself in and instead, spent a lot of time alone. Between Classics and Nationals, he didn't come out of his room except to train. He even began to his lunches and suppers into his room to eat there, away from the rest of the team.

Just two days before Nationals was when Changmin finally snapped – and rightly so; Yunho would never have expected something so immature from his elite-athlete teammates, no matter how young they were.

They were in their locker room before their last evening swim before they left the Village for Nationals. Like any other day, Changmin had opened his cubby and had just started to take off his jacket when he frowned and reached into his locker. When he drew his hand out again, there was a small piece of paper in his hand with black, ugly letters scrawled messily on it.

 

_Go back to the filthy group home where you belong_

 

Changmin's face stiffened – and to Yunho's shock, there were amused titters around the locker room from the rest of their teammates.

"Great," said Changmin quietly, clearly upset. He slammed his locker shut, then glared around the locker room. "Thanks for this."

He crumpled up the note in his hand, dropped the note into the trash can and stormed out of the locker room.

Yunho hesitated for a second, caught between rushing after Changmin and setting off at his ridiculous, bullying, _asshole_ teammates.

He chose Changmin.

"Hey – hey! Hey."

Changmin took a glance back, and seeing Yunho running towards him, slowed down a bit.

Changmin was such a good kid, honestly.

"Hey. Are you okay?"

Of course he wasn't, though. Yunho was angry, there was no way that Changmin wasn't. And as nice as Changmin was, he couldn't quite manage not to frown.

"Whatever. I'm fine," snapped Changmin. "I don't care. As if this is anything new."

"They're just jealous," said Yunho with a sigh. "Not that that excuses anything."

Changmin grunted. " _Whatever_. I don't care what they think. And their lives must be really, really pathetic if they're jealous of _me_."

Yunho wrapped his arm around Changmin's shoulders. "I… know you probably need to cool off, but we have to go to the swim, or we'll have a very angry coach on our hands."

"You can go," said Changmin. "I don't even want to look at them right now."

"You're really going to get it from the coach if you don't go, and I can't let that happen. They're the ones that need to be punished for this, not you."

Changmin made a sound of annoyance.

"I'll make sure they all apologize to you," promised Yunho, hoping to soothe Changmin, but when he said the words, Changmin startled.

"No, don't do that, it's okay," said Changmin quickly. "I've been through much worse. Don't worry about it."

Yunho stared.

"What do you mean? They have to know that what they did is pathetic and wrong."

"Yeah, but… but it doesn't involves you."

Yunho stared. "Why won't you let me do this?"

Changmin hesitated. "Because… you're obviously going to be the captain of this team after Nationals. I want them to like you. I mean… it's not going to work if they don't want you to lead them."

Yunho let out a breath of disbelief. "Changmin –"

"I don't care, they can say swimming's an individual sport all they want, but… but it's not, it's a team sport, not just in relays, but also especially when… we dorm together and…"

"Then even more so, they need to realize how unacceptable this is!" said Yunho, aghast. "Changmin, I swear to God, you have to stop this! You have to stop letting people walk all over you!"

"I just have to prove myself at Nationals," muttered Changmin. Yunho rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, it's fine to prove yourself but you have to stand up and speak up for yourself sometimes too!"

"And I will," said Changmin through gritted teeth. "When I'm their National Champion."

Yunho let out a sigh of defeat.


	6. Chapter 6

Changmin was training six events in total, four freestyle and two butterfly, but he was really focusing on the 100- and 200-metre freestyles. Changmin was becoming fantastic at closing his races – he wasn't the fastest off the diving block, but while many swimmers struggled with endurance at the turn, Changmin kept his head down and pulled ahead during that time. It was an interesting technique, one that wasn't exactly planned by the coaches and one that was surprising, considering that just a year ago, Changmin was struggling to complete his 15-kilometre runs in the mornings.

Changmin had stopped the heavy training a week before Nationals to give his body a chance to recuperate from the insult that he'd done to it with the inordinate amount of training. Really, he'd been training so much that Yunho was afraid that Changmin might come away with an injury from all of this. Yunho trained hard too, of course, being pushed by Changmin's work ethic – but his goal was to peak for Worlds, not Nationals, so he paced himself a bit more than Changmin did. Nevertheless, he couldn't remember the last time he trained that hard.

Yunho had never seen Changmin as nervous as he was at Nationals.

The first event was the 200-metre freestyle, arguably Changmin's best event, and one that Yunho had dominated in at one point in time. Yunho easily won his 200-metre freestyle heat, and qualified in first place going into the finals. However, perhaps the nerves finally got to Changmin – Changmin qualified second in his heat, second to one of the rookies who didn't make the National Team last year. After having finished his own heats for the event, Yunho was watching on the screen in the warm-up area with their coach, who swore loudly as Changmin finished the race.

"For Christ's sake, that fucking idiot," said the coach, shaking his head. Yunho bit his lip as, on the screen, Changmin turned around to check his time and seeing that it was almost a full second behind what he normally swam, frowning.

A few minutes later, Changmin reappeared in the warm-up area, still dripping wet. He looked angry, practically stalked into the room and snatched up a towel that Yunho wasn't even sure was his. Yunho put his things down on the floor so that he could go up to Changmin to offer him a word of encouragement, but the coach got there first.

Changmin didn't notice him at first, just pulling off his goggles and his swimming cap, so the hard smack to his head, with all of the other athletes and coaches watching, came as a surprise to him and made him let out a soft yelp.

"I didn't work so fucking hard with you for you to swim like that," growled the coach, pointing a finger into Changmin's face. Changmin clenched his teeth and glared up at his coach, but that earned at him another slap, across the face this time, hard enough to make his head turn.

"You have the gall to look me in the eye after that garbage swim?"

Changmin righted himself again, letting out a long breath.

The whole warm-up hall was silent now, and every athlete and coach in the room, whether they were recovering from a race or just about to start one, was just watching the interaction. Yunho stood up uncertainly from where he was, his own heart pounding – he didn't know whether to step in.

The coach raised his hand again, Yunho began to move forward, and Changmin clenched his eyes shut and ducked his head – but the hand didn't make contact.

"You're going to get it if you don't win gold in finals, I'll make sure you won't be able to walk for the next month," threatened the coach as Changmin looked down at his feet. "This is what you get for chasing after sponsorships and money instead of focusing on your swim. Flushing everyone else's hard work down the toilet."

Changmin just stood perfectly still as the coach delivered a final blow to the side of his head.

"Ungrateful piece of _shit_."

The coach left the warm-up area through the back doors, and Changmin finally raised his head slowly.

The low buzz in the room were back again, and the gazes finally turned away from Changmin.

It was quite a culture – no one spoke about what happened when things like this happened, and still, Yunho wasn't comfortable talking about it, especially if Changmin wasn't going to bring it up first. So when Changmin took the seat next to Yunho, Yunho just patted him on the back.

"Good swim," said Yunho quietly, but Changmin snorted.

Yunho handed him a water bottle and Changmin took it with a quiet, "Thanks."

"It really was a good swim overall. You were just a bit short off the block," said Yunho. "And you didn't get much kick off two of the turns. But your technique for the rest of the swim was still good. Remember to time your strokes at the end. Even with the slow dive and turns, you still would have won that heat if you'd timed your strokes right."

Changmin grunted. "Probably."

"You'll do better in the finals, once you're focused," said Yunho, patting his thigh. "You're definitely still the best swimmer in the country at this event."

"Well I'd like to be able to walk, so yeah, I'd better prove it," said Changmin bitterly.

"You will," said Yunho with a smile. He took Changmin's empty water bottle from him. "Let's go have something to eat, then get a massage before finals. I think that's going to be the best thing we can do at this point."

Changmin moodily agreed, and Yunho patted him on the back again as they left the area together.

 

 

Yunho had been worried for Changmin, but he needn't have; it was clear that Changmin was really looking to peak for this competition.

And did he ever peak.

Changmin had peaked specifically and perfectly for the hour of the 200-metre freestyle finals, and it was more than obvious. Yunho competed alongside Changmin in that event, and while he was the National Champion in this event last year, and he swam his absolute hardest to be able to defend the title, the fact was, Changmin was the better swimmer now.

The strangest thing, though, was that Yunho was okay with that.

Yunho had never thought that he would be okay with being second best, especially in a domestic meet, but he was.

After finishing the race, Changmin broke out into the widest, glitteriest grin, and with his eyes wide like a surprised deer, turned to Yunho in the next lane and just let out a string of, "Oh my God! Hyung!"s, which made Yunho laugh – Yunho reached over and hugged his younger teammate before they both made their way out of the pool.

"Congrats, National Champ," said Yunho with a smile.

Changmin deserved this, and this golden ticket to this year's National Team, and Yunho was genuinely happy for him.

Changmin deserved it.

Just before the medal ceremony, they got the chance to look at the replay of the swim they'd just done, and strangely, Yunho found himself watching Changmin more than himself. Changmin had fixed everything – he had the perfect push off the block into his dive, his turns were smooth, but most impressively, he'd just finished a stroke as he touched the panels at the end of the race.

"Look, that was perfect timing," said Yunho, impressed – he hadn't exactly expected Changmin to be able to time like that – it had taken Yunho years of training to figure that out, and certainly, a lot of international swimmers didn't even time like that. It was a really mature demonstration of good swimming.

"It was all luck," said Changmin with a grin.

"Changmin, Yunho, the medal ceremony's going to be starting," said one of the ushers, and they both finally stepped away from the screen.

Yunho had been the National Champion on this event for the past three years, so it felt strange to finally have someone come along to take his place. For a whole quad, Yunho had been the best on this event, but he wasn't anymore. Yunho graciously accepted his silver medal and the bouquet, but in his head, he was just reminding to himself that there were many other swims to come and many other chances for him to become National Champion this year – this was only the first of many, many swims.

"Ladies and gentlemen, your National Champion, Shim Changmin!"

Beside him, Changmin stepped up onto the middle podium. He smiled, shook hands with the bronze medalist, a newcomer and a new addition to the National Team by default – and then he walked over to Yunho's side.

"This is weird," whispered Changmin as he leaned in to hug Yunho.

Yunho chuckled as he leaned in to return the hug. "You deserve it, Changmin."

Changmin laughed and stepped up on the podium.

Yunho watched his roommate and friend accept the gold medal – and he found himself applauding along, for everything that Changmin had achieved.

 

 

On their way back to the gym area, one reporter caught Yunho while another caught Changmin; Yunho hesitated for a bit but before he could even agree to the interview, a camera was in his face and the reporter was talking to him.

"Congratulations on your silver medal, Yunho."

"Thank you," said Yunho.

"Yunho, you were the National Champion on this event last year, and you had to settle for silver this year."

Yunho shrugged.

"Well, we actually have a really deep field," said Yunho. "We have a great team, and we'll have a really great team this year, too, by the looks of it. I think this is the deepest we've ever seen the Korean field in swimming. I think we have a great season to look forward to on the international stage."

"What do you think about the new National Champion, Shim Changmin?"

"He's really, really good," said Yunho without hesitation. "He's definitely the future of Korean swimming and I'm so happy to be able to pass on the trophy to someone so good. He trains really hard, he deserves this win and I'm really excited about how this team's going to do at this year's Worlds and even next year's Olympics."

The interviewer nodded, but apparently, this wasn't the answer she wanted to hear. "I know you two train together at the Athlete's Village, how is your relationship, and having to see your rival during training every day?"

Yunho almost rolled his eyes, but he remained professional said exactly what the reporter probably didn't want to hear. "We're really close. I'm so lucky to have him to push me in training every day, and uh – we're roommates, actually, and we have a lot of fun together outside of training. But really, he's been out-swimming me on this event, not just today, but consistently for the past couple of months and he's definitely the rightful National Champion."

"Do you hope to beat him in the 400-metre freestyle event tomorrow?"

This question actually made Yunho hesitate. "I hope whoever is better wins tomorrow," concluded Yunho.

"Would you hope that that's you?" asked the interviewer persistently.

Yunho felt a tiny bit of frustration in his chest. "Yes," he said bluntly. "I do. What athlete wouldn't want gold? But what I mean is that if Changmin wins tomorrow, he'd have won because he was better than me. And I would be okay with that."

The reporter finally looked satisfied.

"Thanks, Yunho."

"Thanks," said Yunho. But he did feel just a tiny bit off from that interview.


	7. Chapter 7

"Yunho," said his coach after the medal ceremonies and they'd just returned to the back.

"Yes," Yunho replied automatically.

"Come with me. We need to talk."

Yunho dropped his bouquet with the rest of his things, took off his silver medal and dropped it into his bag, too. He was brought out of the gym area as Changmin watched. Yunho was led into an empty hallway upstairs, and then the coach turned around to face him.

"How do you feel?" he asked.

"Fine," Yunho replied.

Apparently, that was the wrong answer; the coach shook his head, looking very, very frustrated. "This is exactly what's wrong with you lately, Jung Yunho," he said. "How could you feel fine about that? This kid who never even had a proper coach in his life until last year just beat you at Nationals, and you feel fine? You don't even care about winning anymore."

Yunho flushed.

"I still want to win," said Yunho.

"You're not acting like it," snapped the coach. "I don't know if it's Shim's layback, I-don't-give-a-fuck-about-any-of-this attitude rubbing off on you, or if you just don't care anymore either, but your performance today was pathetic. You've been slacking all year."

If this had been last year, Yunho would just have put his head down and listened to the lecture. He wasn't sure what changed, but today –

Yunho clenched his teeth. "I worked hard for this meet, and I had a good swim today. Changmin just had a better one."

"You had a good swim, everyone else was just better? Is that the excuse that you're going to use when you don't even make the cut to compete in the Olympic heats? This isn't a joke, Jung. Your parents didn't send you to the Village so you could be mediocre. This is you, a kid who wants Olympic gold, not even being able to top the podium at a Korean Nationals."

"I know I can still do it," said Yunho through gritted teeth.

"You can do what? Win Olympic gold?" snorted the coach. "Keep dreaming. It's not going to happen unless you buckle down and start taking this much, much more seriously, Jung. Actually, even if you do, I don't know if you can do it. You lost the moment you just _accepted_ that Shim's a better swimmer than you."

Yunho let out a breath.

"If you'd worked harder, you would have won that race," said the coach harshly. "You lost because you stopped caring. And I don't mind giving you a reason to care."

"I already care," snapped Yunho. "I care, and I work hard. And this is my dream, not yours."

Yunho turned and tried to walk away, but the coach took him by the front of his jacket.

"And just to help you achieve your fucking dream, a lot of other people are behind you, working their ass off for you." He gave Yunho's jacket a small shake. "We work harder than you do, Jung. Don't you ever forget that."

Yunho didn't say anything, he was just so _mad_ ; he just grabbed his coach's wrist, pulled his hand away from his jacket and made his way back to the hall, smoothing the front of his jacket down, fully knowing that his coach was following just behind.

Once he got to the warm-up gym, he saw that the cameras had followed Changmin there. He worked his way around the cameras, gathered his things into his bag as fast as he could and more or less ran out of the hall.

 

 

Yunho attended the light workout that was scheduled for him afterwards, having to hear all sorts of abuse being said to him throughout the whole thing, in front of the team by the coach, no less. He really struggled through the workout, the half-hour workout feeling like days – and as soon as they were dismissed, he hid out in his room.

He tucked himself into bed and for the first time in ages, it felt like – he actually closed his eyes and focused in and visualized his swim for tomorrow.

It really wasn't so much that he felt the need to be National Champion, or that he felt that he was a better swimmer than Changmin was. In fact, he was, he really, truly was happy for Changmin. But if he couldn't even be the best in the country, how will he be the best in the world? Had he been slacking off? Would he be better than Changmin if only he'd worked harder? Sure, he'd been working towards Worlds, not Nationals like Changmin had been, but _what would be the point in peaking for Worlds if he doesn't peak in time to be selected to compete at Worlds?_

He dismissed those thoughts clouding his mind and stayed in bed, just visualizing, going over his swim over and over in his head. He was so focused, in fact, that he didn't even hear it when Changmin came into the room. It wasn't until Changmin actually spoke that Yunho realized that the younger had finally entered the room.

"Hyung…? Hyung, there's –"

"Don't talk to me right now," said Yunho tersely, still with his eyes closed.

There was a short pause, and then Changmin spoke again.

"Hyung… are you… actually mad at me…?"

Yunho finally fluttered his eyes open. He saw that Changmin was standing at the foot of his bed, looking very guilty.

"Why would I be mad at you?" said Yunho with a frown. "What did you do?"

Changmin looked down at his feet. "I don't know."

"Okay then. No. I'm not mad at you."

Yunho closed his eyes again.

Not long after though, Changmin spoke, from his bed now.

"Hyung…"

Yunho was starting to get annoyed now.

" _What_?"

"I have a question."

Yunho sighed and opened his eyes again.

"What is it?"

"Hyung… that note… in my locker."

Yunho looked at him. "Yeah?"

Changmin hesitated, but then he looked at Yunho and ploughed on.

"Did… Did you write it?"

" _What?_ "

Yunho almost choked on his own spit.

"You think I would do something like that? To _you_?"

"No!" said Changmin quickly. "No, hyung, no. I don't think you would."

Yunho felt blood rush into his face, and the room starting to spin, because he was just so _angry_ – " _How could you even ask that?_ _After everything?_ "

"I'm sorry, that's not what I meant," said Changmin, looking at Yunho. "I just… can you just say yes or no?"

" _No!_ " shouted Yunho, so, so upset – "How can you even – you –"

"Okay," said Changmin quietly. "That's all I wanted to know."

" _Why would you ask that? Why?_ "

"Don't get mad," said Changmin. "Like, I understand if you don't feel happy for me. I'd understand. I'd feel the same way. You don't have to pretend."

"I'm not –"

Yunho was so angry that he couldn't find the next words to say – he thought he might explode.

"You know what, Changmin, you just think whatever you want," snapped Yunho. "I don't care. I have no idea what you're even talking about, but you know, I don't even fucking care anymore. Just don't talk to me for the rest of the meet. I don't need this from you too. _Of all people._ "

Changmin spoke timidly. "It's just –"

"You think I'm joking?" said Yunho, glaring at the younger. " _Don't talk to me_."

Yunho continued to glare as Changmin shrank away and after some hesitation, got into his own bed slowly.

Changmin stayed there, in the corner of his own bed, unmoving and silent for the whole night like he had been on that first night when he went to Yunho's house – but Yunho barely even cared.


	8. Chapter 8

Yunho set aside his anger and managed to get a good night's sleep – something that he'd trained himself to do all these years for that perfect swim the next day.

Regardless, Yunho still continued to ignore Changmin the next morning. Changmin apparently didn't practice falling asleep the same way, because he got up from bed with dark circles under his eyes and his eyes half closed.

They had no training that morning until warm-ups for their heats later on in the afternoon; they'd done all of their morning training leading up to Nationals, and they were saving up their energy now for the rest of the meet.

Yunho made his way down to the cafeteria for breakfast without waiting for Changmin. Changmin followed soon afterwards, and sat a bit away from Yunho, at the next table. Instead of entertaining Changmin, though, Yunho turned his attention to his phone.

Nationals was probably one of the only times of the year that swimming actually made headlines as a sport, the other time being Worlds. Changmin certainly helped bring the sport into spotlight though; he saw that the biggest headline of the sports section of the online news was about Changmin being crowned the new national champion in swimming. It made it sound like there was only one national title in all of swimming, but that hardly mattered.

Yunho scooped a large spoonful of his yogurt into his mouth, then scrolled down again. Another headline bearing Changmin's name caught his eye – "Not Everyone Is Happy about Shim Changmin's Win" – obviously not a positive one. Yunho glanced at Changmin in worry, hoping that Changmin hadn't seen this and that this won't affect his swim. Changmin seemed to be focused on his food though, and also on not looking at Yunho – so Yunho turned back to his phone and opened the article.

Little did he know, the article wasn't about Changmin. It was about Yunho.

There was a video clip instead of there being a written article. Yunho wasn't about to play the video aloud at the cafeteria table, so he scrolled to the comments to get the gist of the article. He immediately regretted it.

 

_Jung Yunho is really not the athlete that kids should be looking up to… there are so many athletes with better attitudes, tsk_

_Heavy is the head that wears the crown… good luck to Changmin, it's obvious Jung Yunho is trying to bully him, but Jung will never be able to change the fact that Changmin is a better swimmer than him_

_Yunho's rotten attitude really contrasts with Changmin's gracious one. A shame, because I used to really like Yunho_

_I heard there's a ton of bullying on these sports teams. Seems like Changmin's going through a lot and Yunho's taking the lead in bullying him. It's pathetic…_

Yunho dropped his spoon with a frown.

Yunho wasn't one to focus too much about things other than his swimming, and he rarely cared about what other people thought about him, but _just what was going on_?

He couldn't help but to play the video attached to the article, even though he knew that everyone around him in the cafeteria would be able to hear.

Yunho wasn't sure that he wanted to see this, but the clip began to play mercilessly. Yunho squinted as he watched the clip.

It began with a part of the interview that he'd done just after the race yesterday.

"Do you hope to beat him in the 400-metre event tomorrow?"

"I hope whoever is better wins tomorrow," said Yunho.

"Would you hope that that's you?" asked the interviewer.

Yunho watched as in the video, he clearly held back a roll of his eyes. "Yes," the video-Yunho said. "I do. What athlete wouldn't want gold?"

The screen cut to Yunho stalking into the warm-up area, inadvertently getting caught in the shot with Changmin's interview, packing up his things in frustration. Changmin had called Yunho's name, which Yunho didn't realize until this moment – but the Yunho in the screen just grabbed his bag and stormed out of the gym in clear anger.

Yunho swallowed and put down his phone with his eyes closed, trying to make a sense of this.

Yunho didn't understand, because he'd done nothing to hurt anyone, _he'd been there for Changmin when no one else had_ , and what exactly had he done to deserve this?

He opened his eyes, and saw Changmin a little bit away, watching him. Changmin looked away quickly when he realized that Yunho saw him looking.

Yunho sighed.

"So this is why you thought I wrote that note in your locker," said Yunho quietly, but just loud enough for Changmin to hear. "Because you thought I was jealous of you."

Changmin didn't say anything and just looked into Yunho's eyes in guilt.

"That whole year of building up trust and friendship didn't mean anything? It all crumbles with just a 30-second video clip?"

Changmin shifted in his chair.

"Hyung… I'm really sorry, I –"

"It's fine," said Yunho, cutting him off. Because honestly, it really was. It really was fine. Yunho just _did not give a shit_.

Except, he actually really did.

Yunho didn't have as much public recognition as Changmin did, but in the swimming community, he was revered as a national hero. Yunho still remained the only Korean swimmer with a gold from Worlds, which he got three years ago – and he had the most Worlds medal of any Korean athlete, and he was only five years into his senior swimming career. Anyone who knew anything about swimming knew that Yunho was certainly the Korean swimming team's best chance at an Olympic medal.

Yunho also had a little group of dedicated fans who traveled with him everywhere to cheer him on. They came for Nationals, Worlds, and that obscure little meet that he doubted his parents even knew about. He was used to seeing them waiting outside the entrance of the pool to get a glimpse of him, pass him good-luck notes and little gifts, then following him for as long as they could down to the warm-up gym. But they were nowhere to be seen today, and he was so hyper-aware of the disgusted looks that he was getting from small crowd greeting the team as they walked into the warm-up gym for the 400-metre freestyle heats that morning.

Even though he'd done nothing wrong, Yunho put his head down and looked at the ground as he walked on, just hoping that this walk would be done fast, and that the crowd would have mercy on him during the actual race and keep it bearable – but then finally, Yunho heard a bright voice call out his name.

"Good luck today, Yunho!" said a girl that he'd never seen before, holding out a bottle of juice.

Yunho thought he might cry.

"Thank you," he said genuinely, reaching out to take the drink from her.

All the way to the warm-up gym, he kept the juice in his hand, because he was just so grateful for her support right now, because it meant so much. Because even if it were just one person, because this was proof that there were still people who didn't believe that he was an awful human being.

And if only for her, he was going to swim his very best today.

 

 

The crowd was less than professional – for the first time ever, Yunho was actually booed as he took his place at his lane – but Yunho wasn't going to let that get to him.

Yunho qualified to finals first in his heat, and also first overall; Changmin qualified second overall, but he was behind by over a full second.

He felt proud of himself for doing this despite everything, and as he returned to the warm-up area, Changmin approached him carefully. "Good swim," he said timidly.

Yunho glanced at him. "You too," said Yunho.

There was still an air of uneasiness and awkwardness between them, so Yunho turned away pretty quickly.

Yunho reached for his bag, and saw the juice that his fan had given him earlier. He grabbed that instead of his water bottle. He opened the drink, distracted, and gulped from the juice bottle hastily.

He was more than halfway through the juice bottle when he realized that it didn't taste quite right, and by the time he'd taken the bottle away from his mouth, he knew something was terribly, terribly wrong.

He dropped the bottle on the floor, doubled over and felt the drink come back up –

But then everything went black, and the last thing he remembered was someone yelling his name.


	9. Chapter 9

It hurt.

Everything hurt.

Yunho let out a breath. It hurt.

He grimaced in pain. That hurt too.

He finally opened his eyes, and winced at the bright, white fluorescent lights shining into his eyes. He felt tears gather at the corner of his eyes at the pain, and he tried to focus on his breathing instead.

His head was heavy, and when he tried to focus on something else, he was also aware of an intense feeling of nausea.

And more pain.

He was much too disoriented to think clearly. He finally turned his head to look around, and he finally saw that he really didn't know at all where he was, and this wasn't his bed, it wasn't even a hotel room, and he was just so freaked out –

"Holy shit," gasped Yunho. "What the –"

Yunho tried sitting up, but a bunch of wires pulled him back into the bed, which freaked him out even more. He began ripping the wires away in panic.

A bunch of alarms began to sound, and Yunho startled; he was halfway out the bed when a woman he didn't know approached him.

"No, no, Yunho, lie back down, we're helping you. You need to keep the wires on, okay? We're just monitoring you. You're fine."

"What… I'm…"

"Do you know where you are?"

"No, I don't, and I don't – wait – I'm just… who are you?" croaked Yunho.

"You're in the hospital, and I'm your nurse. You're in the Intensive Care Unit, but it seems like you'll be able to go to a ward bed soon, now that you're up."

Yunho swallowed and looked around and saw that, indeed, this looked like a hospital, with white walls,  He swallowed, and felt the burning pain again. He grimaced.

"Why am I… wait…" Yunho reached up with a shaking hand and touched his forehead. "Does my family know I'm here?"

"Yes, your parents were here all day, but they're not allowed to stay overnight, so they went home for the night."

Yunho closed his eyes. "I just… need someone to tell me what happened and why I'm here. I'm supposed to be competing at –"

Fuck.

 _Nationals_.

"Wait, what – what happened, I'm just – _Nationals_ – I was in the middle of that competition, I'm –"

"Yes, that's right," said the nurse, looking either impressed or relieved, Yunho wasn't sure, but she was being so tremendously unhelpful right now, when he was supposed to be at Nationals –

"I – wait, are finals tomorrow? I'm so –"

"I'm not the best person to explain what happened. I'm going to get the doctors to come in and explained to you what happened to you."

"But – the meet –"

"One of your teammate has been here the entire time, too. Maybe you'd like to speak to him?"

"Who?"

"Um… Shim Changmin."

She definitely blushed.

Yunho couldn't explain why, but he felt an enormous amount of relief when he heard Changmin's name. Perhaps it was because that meant that Yunho wasn't missing Finals at this exact moment – or maybe it was just because he wanted Changmin here. He didn't know.

"Did he go home too?"

"He's sitting outside the room right now," said the nurse. "I mean… we let him stay because he was being very adamant."

Yunho raised an eyebrow, kind of doubting that was the real reason seeing as Changmin was quite the celebrity, and also, for some reason, Yunho was feeling kind of protective; he turned his head towards the glass windows, just to see if he could see the familiar face.

He saw the national team colours first; soon, he could make out Changmin's form sitting in a chair outside with his hands in the pocket of jacket, and looking down into his lap.

"Can I see him?" asked Yunho, feeling an immense amount of comfort.

"Sure. Hold on. I'm going to call the doctors."

Yunho nodded, taking deep breath through the pain as he nodded, and waited patiently.

He watched as the nurse approached Changmin and pointed towards Yunho's room. Yunho then saw Changmin bury his face into his hands. He then stood up and walked towards Yunho's room as the nurse went away.

Changmin knocked, even though the doors were glass, and he walked in timidly.

"Hyung…" whined Changmin.

Changmin's face was a shining mess of tears, and Yunho took Changmin's hand.

"Changmin."

Changmin let out some more tears and wiped his face with his hand, and Yunho gripped Changmin's hand harder.

"Changmin. What happened with Nationals?"

Changmin looked up with his red, watery eyes. " _Who cares about_ _Nationals_? Hyung, you almost died!"

Yunho swallowed as the nausea intensified.

"What actually… What happened…?"

"Someone put something in your drink," said Changmin. He sniffled.

"Someone tried to… poison me…?" said Yunho in disbelief. " _At Nationals_?"

But why? He was just an athlete, as far as he knew, he never hurt anyone –

"Yeah," said Changmin. "The police have arrested her."

"Oh," said Yunho. He wasn't sure what the proper response was, but he swallowed and looked at Changmin.

"So…" said Yunho, hoping that he didn't sound too dumb, "…did I miss the 400-metre freestyle finals?"

Changmin shot him a glare before he nodded apologetically.

Yunho sighed, and then felt a surge of anger and frustration in his chest. He forced both feelings down.

"Did you win?"

Changmin shook his head.

"I withdrew from the rest of Nationals," said Changmin quietly.

" _Why_?" croaked Yunho rather loudly. He winced at the pain.

"Didn't want to compete."

"But…"

"I already have my place on the team. I don't need to compete for the rest of the Nationals."

Yunho let out a breath and swallowed – and experienced the most intense, burning pain. He groaned in pain and put his head back down on the pillow just as the nurse returned with a doctor wearing a white coat.

"Hello, Mr. Jung. I'm one of the residents on your care team."

Yunho nodded. "Hello."

"I'm on the ICU team that's taking care of you."

"Sure," said Yunho. It was so much more of an effort to talk to anyone besides Changmin.

"Do you need something for pain?" asked the nurse.

"He has hydromorphone ordered," said the resident. The nurse nodded, but Yunho jumped.

"Wait, _please, don't give me pain meds_!"

"What's wrong? Why?"

" _It's all banned,_ " snapped Yunho. " _Don't give any of that to me_."

There was a silence as the doctor and the nurse processed those words, and also as it dawned on Yunho.

"What did you give me while I was out," said Yunho, voice shaking. " _What did you give me_?"

"Hyung, you almost died. Can they get you better, and _then_ think about swimming?" said Changmin in exasperation.

"Yes, Yunho, by the time you get discharged from hospital, you're going to be in the clear. And they're not going to test you now," said the resident.

"I won't be in the clear for the rest of Nationals."

"You won't be swimming at the rest of Nationals, Yunho. This is serious. We still have a lot more work to do on you."

"Oh my God," whispered Yunho. The gravity of this situation was becoming so, so much more real. "What… Wait, how many days of competition did I miss…?"

_Tell me just one. Tell me I just missed the night of the 400-metre freestyle finals._

"There are only two more days of competition left," said Changmin quietly. "The only events left are the backstroke and the medley events."

_Holy shit._

"I… I've been out for a week…?"

He reached up and rubbed his eyes.

 

 

It wasn't just a week of competition that he missed.

He missed a week of workouts. He spent an entire week lying in bed, not using a single muscle, and getting no proper nutrition for a week.

And it was very clear very soon that he had never been this weak, this frail, or this out of shape in his recent memory.

He was transferred to the regular ward the next day, and besides the number of doctors and nurses who came to see him all day, there was nothing that was being done except Yunho being forced to wait it all out.

"You did really well, Yunho. The recovery might take a little while, but we expect you to make a full recovery," a resident had said one day.

"Did really well," repeated Yunho quietly. _Did really well_. His first nationals without a gold since he was fourteen, and he apparently _did really well_.

Obviously, Yunho didn't agree with him.

He had been keen to start on a healthy diet at least, but his doctors didn't let him; he had been put on a clear fluid diet, and spent the next three days drinking apple juice and forcing Jell-O down his throat. When he finally convinced the nurses and the doctors that he wasn't feeling nauseous and the pain had subsided (at least it was half true; he could at least deal with the nausea and the pain when it came), he was allowed to go on full fluids, which meant, at least, his mother could bring him chicken broth and he could at least have meal replacement drinks. Yunho threw up a couple of times with the creamy stuff, but he made sure not to tell the nurses or the doctors; he couldn't risk being set back, and he _had_ to keep moving forward.

Throughout all of that, Yunho wasn't allowed to work out. There was a physiotherapist in the hospital who worked with him 20 minutes a day. At first, Yunho was so weak that he could barely even walk, much to his disbelief; he just _couldn't believe_ that he was too weak to walk properly.

 Very soon, it was obvious that –

"I'm going to be out for the rest of the season because of this," said Yunho to Changmin quietly while he visited. "God, I'm missing Worlds, and it's the pre-Olympic year."

Changmin didn't have much comforting words to offer to Yunho.

A few other things changed though.

Apparently, while Yunho was unconscious, the public had turned over to him with sympathy again, and a few days after he woke up, Yunho saw that there was an anonymous post to an online community with the title: _I was there at Nationals and they didn't air Yunho's full interview._

The post contained a shaky hand-cam of Yunho's interview, and the short video clip showed the entire interview that Yunho had given after the 200-metre freestyle finals, including the parts where he'd expressed his happiness for Changmin's win.

Everyone loved Yunho again, and there were hordes of people, swimming fans and not alike, saying "I told you so" and claiming to have been on Yunho's side the entire time.

Yunho didn't bother pointing out that they were nowhere to be seen just a few days prior.

His coach and representatives from the Korean Swimming Association visited and they brought flowers, but it seemed to him like they were actually there to see whether Yunho was going to be ready to be in contention for Worlds as opposed to being there to wish him good health. It was clear to all of them that Yunho wouldn't be ready for Worlds, but at least they told Yunho that he still had his spot on the National Team.

The police paid him a visit as well, to inquire whether he wanted to press charges on the girl who'd poisoned him. Yunho did think about it for a little bit, but in the end, he decided that he didn't want to go through with that, just because he just couldn't deal with yet another distraction to his swimming. Getting his personal revenge on this girl wouldn't help him get healthier.

Yunho spent a total of three weeks in hospital, and when he was discharged. The doctors wanted to keep him for a couple more days, but Yunho figured that a few days wouldn't make a difference, and his doctors reluctantly agreed.

Before he left, one of the residents asked Yunho for an autograph.

"I'm not a celebrity," said Yunho, and he hesitantly signed the autograph. "This autograph is not going to be worth anything."

"I used to be a swimmer, and I used to look up to you a lot, and really, I still do," he said with a smile. "I wished I would be as good as you, even though you were a few years younger than me."

Yunho blushed again. "Well… look at me now. I can barely even stand."

The resident smiled ruefully. "If you're the Jung Yunho I know, you're still going to go to the Olympics next year, and you're still going to win gold. And then your autograph is definitely going to be worth something."

"I wouldn't hold my breath," sighed Yunho.

And only in that moment, when he saw the perplexed look on the resident's face, did Yunho realize that he had no faith in himself.

Jung Yunho had no faith nor confidence in himself to get up from this.

And that was what scared him more than any devastating news that he'd heard about his body over the past few weeks.


	10. Chapter 10

Yunho spent a week at home in Gwangju with his parents after his discharge from hospital.

His Worlds bid for this year was already over, seeing as the Worlds Selection Committee had been coming to practice, according to Changmin, who called him every day after practice. This would be the first Worlds that Yunho would miss in the last five years.

While he was in hospital, he had given some thought as to whether or not he should return to the Village right away to get his coach's help to get back, or whether he wanted to rehabilitate at home. The thoughts also gave rise to thoughts on whether or not he should continue to try for the Olympics coming up next year, and Yunho also found himself giving thoughts on whether to return to swimming at all.

Eventually, Yunho decided that he wanted to get to a certain level of fitness before diving in with the rest of the National Team for practice – and he thought that would be healthier for his mental health anyway; he didn't need to watch his teammates swim their hardest to be selected for Worlds while he sat on the sidelines.

For the first few days, he went on walks with his parents to the beach and ate his mother's home-cooked food – that was the extent of his training to get back.

On the fourth day back, he decided to go for a light jog around the neighbourhood. Once he started running though, he found himself pushing himself harder and harder, until he ended up quite a ways away from home and feeling so sick and weak that he couldn't finish his run. He had to call his parents to come and pick him up at the side of a random road.

That was when he realized that his swimming career was honestly probably over.

Honestly, Yunho was tired, and with no exaggeration whatsoever, _devastated_ ; he still couldn't wrap his mind around the fact that he'd dedicated his entire life for one cause, and that it was over in a single moment.

"You don't have to go to the Olympics, Yunho," said his mother as Yunho sat in his bed after the disastrous run. "You're already a very successful swimmer."

"I know," sighed Yunho.

"All we want is for you to be happy and healthy."

Yunho sighed and tilted his head back with his eyes closed. But would he truly be happy if he never got to the Olympics? Or would he live the rest of his life just wondering, _what if?_

It was at that moment that Yunho burned with sheer will; he _would_ get better, he _would_ get into shape, he _would_ win gold at the Olympics, and he _would_ make his parents proud. It didn't matter how hard he had to train – he would do it.

Yunho let out a breath and looked at his mother decidedly.

"Mom, I want to go for it," said Yunho. "I'm going to regret not pushing myself as much as I can if I just give up now, just a year before the Olympics. I'm going to go back to the Village tonight. I need help getting back in shape. I can't do it on my own."

His mom regarded him for a long time worriedly, but then finally nodded and smiled. "I want you to do what makes you happy, Yunho."

Yunho wasn't sure if it would make him happy, but at the very least, he was quite certain that he wouldn’t regret it.

 

Yunho packed to return to the Village right away, and chose a train that would arrive later that night. He texted Changmin about his return, but seeing as he didn't get a reply, he figured that Changmin was in the middle of practice.

He walked into their room before Changmin was back from practice, and was unpacking his bag when the door finally opened, revealing his roommate.

"Hyung!" shouted Changmin. His face broke out into a wide grin.

"Hey," said Yunho, trying not to blush, but he was pretty sure he did anyway, when Changmin fell into his arms, toppling them both onto Yunho's bed.

"You're back!"

"I am."

"And you're just in time for Worlds selections," said Changmin, looking awed.

"No I'm not. I'm not in shape. At all," clarified Yunho quickly.

"Oh," said Changmin sadly.

"At least not yet. But I will be ready for the next Olympics. And you and I are going to be Olympic champions together," said Yunho with conviction.

It looked like Changmin was trying to keep himself from smiling for a few seconds, but then he let himself go and smiled a bright smile.

 

 

It wasn't all easy.

In fact, it wasn't at all easy.

Physically, he was asked to push his body much harder than he was ready to. He was put into the pool the very next day, and while he didn't swim at the same pace as his teammates, he was still expected to be swimming for the full three hours of practice in the morning and again in the afternoon. He was so weak by the end of the week that on Sunday, the one day off that they had all week, he spent all day working with the massage therapists and physiotherapists just to be able to move his limbs normally without feeling with like his whole body was on fire.

It was probably even harder emotionally, if that was at all possible. It hurt more than anything to watch his teammates swim for the selection committee while he had been set so far back, and it frustrated him to no end that he had so far to go, for something that wasn't even his fault.

Although he knew that he wasn't going to Worlds this year, standing there with the rest of the team while the Worlds Team was named, and being left off of it for the first time in five years, was more painful than he ever imagined.

Changmin did make the Worlds team again this year, although not without penalty; they had not been happy with Changmin's withdrawal from Nationals, questioning his reliability. In order to keep his place on the Worlds Team, Changmin was required to write a letter of apology to them with a promise that something like this would never happen again, and promise that he would take himself off the National Team should he ever pull such a stunt again.

Yunho expected Changmin to complain about it the entire time he wrote it, but Yunho found Changmin to be quite stoic as he wrote the letter, and he spent a whole night working on the letter in silence, and rewriting it several times by hand to address different members of the selection committee before sealing them into envelopes and leaving the room to drop them off at the coaching office.

Although Yunho wasn't sure whether Changmin intended it this way, he was thankful that Changmin hadn't raised a fuss about writing the letters and that he had taken to the task diligently; feeling the pain of being left off the Worlds Team, Yunho wasn't sure just how upset he would have felt if Changmin had complained to Yunho about how he had to do some writing to be on the Worlds Team, especially when Yunho would have done quite literally anything to have been on the Worlds Team again.

Yunho found himself being able to genuinely congratulate Changmin for making it to Worlds – but watching Changmin pack for the trip, giving the hug good luck and seeing him off, then watching him compete on TV was so painful that if it weren't for his burning willpower to get better, he probably would have quit right then and there.

Changmin had returned with a silver in the 200-metre freestyle and a bronze in the 100-metre butterfly, much to Yunho's (and the whole nation's) delight. He had genuinely been happy for Changmin, and as far as Yunho was concerned, Changmin deserved every bit of every medal from those Worlds.

But the whole experience made Yunho feel more anxious – he needed to get better, and he needed to get better soon. He had to catch up to where he was before soon, otherwise he would never be in contention for a medal at next year's Olympics. Every swimmer sought to peak for the Olympic year, and Yunho was already so far behind. This wasn't about peaking anymore – this was about pushing.

This was about pushing until he had nothing else to give anymore.

And so, the very night Worlds Team returned along with their coach, Yunho made his way to the coach's office, and knocked.

"Come in," said the coach, and Yunho pushed the door and stepped inside.

Yunho took a deep breath and sat down on the plastic chair across from his desk. He waited until the coach looked up to speak.

"Yes, Jung," he said, glancing up from Yunho for a split second before returning his attention to his paperwork. "What would you like."

Yunho spoke seriously. "I want to go to the Olympics."

"Yes, I know, and so does every other guy on the team," said the coach. He filled out some more of his paperwork.

" _Coach_."

His coach couldn't turn his back on him now. Not now, he couldn't give up on him now when Yunho needed him the most.

His coach sighed and finally dropped his pen. "Yes, Jung."

"I lived my whole life for this. For this Olympics. Coach," said Yunho, trying to keep his voice from shaking and his eyes from filling with tears. " _Help me_."

The coach watched from behind his folded hands, and then spoke.

"I can't make what's impossible happen, Jung."

"I know," said Yunho, ignoring the pain as the words sliced through his chest. "And it's possible. I know it is. But I need your help."

The coach left a long silence and just watched Yunho for a long time. Eventually, he finally opened his mouth.

"I need to know that you're serious about this," said the coach. "I don't want to waste my time and yours if you're not serious about this."

"Coach, I'm serious."

"Are you?" questioned his coach skeptically.

A feeling of frustration welled up in Yunho's chest. His coach had _no idea_ how serious he was.

_No idea._

"I am," said Yunho through clenched teeth. He willed his tears not to fall. "Coach. I'm _desperate_."

Another long silence passed between then, and finally, his coach spoke.

"All right, Jung," said the coach finally. "Starting tomorrow, I want you to see me after the evening weight training every day. You're expected to partake in all of the workout sessions throughout the day, and then you will see me for extra training. Is that clear?"

Yunho nodded. "Okay," he said quietly.

"I didn't hear you, Jung. Is that clear?" repeated the coach.

Yunho sat up straighter. "Yes, sir."

The coach nodded and turned back to his paperwork.

"You're dismissed."


	11. Chapter 11

Yunho caught Changmin looking at his Worlds medals on his bed alone once he returned to his room for the night. Changmin was staring at the medals, turning them over in his hand.

"Let me see," said Yunho, sidling in next to Changmin on his bed. Changmin handed over the medals to Yunho with no hesitation.

Yunho took the heavy medals in his hand and examined them. He looked at the intricate designs and the engraving bearing Changmin's name, and he smoothed it over with his thumbs.

They were pretty.

They always were, these Worlds medals.

Yunho smiled and looked up at Changmin, who curled his knees into is chest in embarrassment. Yunho handed the medals back to their rightful owner, and as Changmin took them in his hands, Yunho ruffled Changmin's hair.

"See? I was right."

"What do you mean?" asked Changmin.

"I said you would be the future of Korean swimming. And I was right."

Changmin smiled shyly. "I'm not anything," he said, blushing with his head down.

Yunho laughed. God, Changmin was precious.

"You know, Changmin…" said Yunho, "I'm really, really happy for you. And I really mean that."

Changmin leaned into Yunho, and Yunho wrapped his arm around his younger teammate.

 

 

Yunho let out a long breath and winced in pain as he pushed open the door to leave the weight gym.

He was sore all over, and he wasn't sure if he could do another training session right now, after having pushed himself so much in weight training.

An arm wrapped around his waist from behind. Yunho turned and saw Changmin's smiling face.

"Finally done," he said. "Wanna go for a massage and then a snack?"

Yunho did.

"I can't," said Yunho with a sigh. "I want to, but I can't."

"Why?"

"I have some more training," muttered Yunho – he certainly had second thoughts about it now.

"Oh," said Changmin, looking a bit perplexed. "When is it starting?"

"Now," said Yunho. He glanced at the clock. It was a few minutes after seven. His coach was probably expecting him by now.

"Oh," said Changmin sadly. "Well… want me to bring you something?"

Yunho hesitated. He'd just done a hard day of training, and he deserved _something_.

"Actually, I'll just go down to the cafeteria with you."

Just for a couple granola bars and to refill his water bottle.

 

 

When Yunho reached his coach's office with his gym bag over his shoulders. He knocked, but there was no answer.

Yunho looked up at the clock; a few minutes after half past seven. God, he was probably already at the pool.

Yunho quickened his paces to the pool. It was unacceptable for an athlete to be later than the coach, and Yunho was regretting the trip to the cafeteria now.

He bypassed the dressing room and the shower, if only to show his face to the coach and to let him know that he was there as soon as he could. He pushed open the door to the pool, ignoring the soreness in his shoulder as he did so.

As Yunho had thought, his coach was there already, alone at the empty pool; he was sitting in a plastic chair on the deck with the long wooden stick – once the handle of a mop – that he used to punish his athletes with in his hand.

God, Yunho was in for it today.

"Coach," called Yunho timidly, awkwardly approaching him.

His coach turned his head to look at Yunho.

He regarded Yunho sharply as Yunho shrank away.

"Stand up straight, Jung," he said quietly.

Yunho dropped his bag beside him and straightened up, though he didn't dare look his angry coach in his eyes.

"'I'm desperate'," he repeated. "Is this what desperation looks like to you?"

Yunho bit down on the inside of his cheek.

"Late, and not even changed and ready to swim?"

Really, Yunho had no excuse.

"Get down, you piece of shit."

Yunho complied with no hesitation, dropping onto the floor in a push-up position. Every muscle ached and complained, but Yunho didn't move.

Yunho clenched his teeth as he saw his coach's feet circling around him, and the end of the wooden stick lined up against the back of his thighs.

Yunho braced himself for the hard hits that came, and he barely managed not to let any sounds escape his lips.

"You think this is a joke, Jung?"

"No, sir," managed Yunho, eyes still clenched shut to deal with the pain.

"You're a waste of a National Team spot, you know that? You don't deserve to be here. I don't fucking care what happened to you."

Yunho rolled his lips between his teeth, frowned, and tried to ignore it; his coach was putting him down to light that fire in him, and Yunho knew it. It was _supposed_ to hurt. The words were supposed to make him feel like shit.

"Get ready to swim."

Yunho held in a grunt as he got to his feet and grabbed his bag. He started walking towards the change room, and then he heard a yell from behind him.

" _Let's go, Jung! Hurry the fuck up!_ "

Yunho ran.

 

 

The bruises were already formed by the time Yunho was changing, but he had ignored it all and focused on getting changed. He was now in pain on top of being sore and exhausted, so he knew he was going to swim like shit tonight – but in the end, it would all help him get to the Olympics.

When he ran back to the pool, finally changed, he saw that the scoreboards and the timing panels had been activated – his coach was evidently planning on timing him.

Okay, this was different.

Yunho assumed that they would be doing some laps to build up his endurance again, and maybe work on some dives, clean up his form and technique so that it would make up for his loss in brute strength. He didn't usually start on high-intensity training until weeks before a meet – but this was up to his coach, what did Yunho know?

"Get up there," said the coach without even giving Yunho time to stretch or to warm up, or even get wet before he went in. "200-metre freestyle."

Although, Yunho guessed, he'd been working out all day already so maybe he didn't need it.

Yunho took a couple seconds to splash some of the water on his chest before wordlessly climbing the steps up to the diving block. He placed his feet on the diving block for the push-off.

"Take your mark."

Yunho instinctively grabbed the end of the diving board, and as the words were said, he was now focused only on the silence in anticipation of the buzzer that would come.

He had spent years shaving time off the reaction time between the buzzer and his dive – the dive was so much more important than it would seem. The milliseconds between the buzzer and the dive into the water was the only time in the whole swim he would have without the resistance of water against him. For Yunho, the dive would set the pace and momentum that would carry him through the rest of the race.

He had a good dive this time around – probably one of the best he's had all week. He focused, and simultaneously pushed and paced himself; he had to take care not to run out of steam at the end of the race. He finished two lengths – two more to go – and his body was really complaining now, and Yunho just pushed through the pain and swam as hard as his body would let him.

The swim felt long – and even before he resurfaced after touching the panels at the end of the swim, he was breathing a sigh of relief.

He hung onto the wall of the pool and caught his breath for a few seconds before turning his head towards the scoreboard to check his time.

 

1:52:44

 

"Wow," whispered Yunho.

 _How_.

He might not have been quite trying as hard as he did at Worlds, when he had the reigning World Champion in the lane beside him – but he didn't even break the 1:50 mark. Hell, he wasn't even _close_.

Yunho sighed and pulled himself out of the pool, trying to ignore his arms burning with pain.

His coach watched as Yunho came back up.

Yunho was shaking out his arms and legs, trying to dissipate the soreness, when he was surprised by a hard smack to his head.

He looked up at his coach in shock.

"Fuck, stand still, Jung."

Yunho stopped moving and folded his hands behind his back.

"What's your personal best, Jung?"

"One forty-five twenty-three."

1:45:23.

At Worlds two years ago. It had been enough to get him a silver medal.

"How do you feel about that?"

Yunho didn't know what to say. It sucked, obviously. He wasn't even close.

It was pathetic.

"How are you going to get up there again, Jung?" asked the coach. He leaned on the wooden stick closer to Yunho.

"I'm ready to work on it, sir," said Yunho to the floor.

"You are," agreed his coach. "You're going to work on it right now."

Yunho looked up.

"You are going to beat your personal best here, tonight, and you're not going to leave here until you do."

Yunho's mouth dropped open. " _Coach_."

"The faster you do it, the faster you'll get to go to bed."

Beating his personal best – it would be a feat to do it in the best of conditions, but now? When he was still recovering?

Would it even be _possible_?

The coach blew his whistle.

"Take your mark."

Yunho was still in disbelief, but he fixed his swimming cap and climbed up on the diving block.

He grabbed the end of the diving block, and he cleared his mind, and focused only on the sound of the buzzer that was to come.

The buzzer sounded, and he pushed off into the water.

 

 

He surfaced as soon as he touched the panels at the end of the swim. He clung on to the edge of the pool, leaned over, and threw up into the grates in pure exhaustion.

_Fuck._

"Get out, Jung," said the coach mercilessly. "Get down."

Yunho's arms shook in pain and exhaustion as he pulled himself out of the pool.

Between that and getting down on his hands and feet for his punishment, he glanced at the board.

 

1:46:18

 

Yunho almost let out a yell frustration.

He also got a look at the time.

It was a little bit past midnight, he'd been swimming for five hours, nonstop –

His time was good, better than his time at this year's Nationals, couldn't his coach just let him go now?

The hits landed on the back of his thighs again, which were really becoming more numb than anything else – the sting was still there, but he didn't think that it would be possible to be in any more pain than he already was at this point.

"I'm tired too, Jung. Just fucking do it."

Yunho could barely stand, his legs were shaking –

But the whistle blew mercilessly, and Yunho forced himself onto the block again.

"Take your mark."

Yunho reached down and gripped the end of the block.

_Just do it._

_Just fucking do it._

The buzzer sounded, and Yunho was in the water.

Yunho knew right away.

 _Fuck_.

The shrill sound of a whistle blew into the air.

"False start, Jung!" shouted the coach.

Yunho stopped swimming and surfaced – and he finally lost it, in all the frustration and exhaustion, and yelled out on the top of his lungs, " _FUCK_!"

There was a shocked silence between the two of them, and then the coach broke it.

" _Jung Yunho, get the fuck out of the pool_!" screamed the coach.

It took a bit of time for Yunho to swim back to the blocks, but as soon as he swam back, his coach reached down towards him.

" _Who the fuck do you think you are_?"

His coach's hand closed around Yunho's upper arm, and Yunho felt himself being hauled out of the water and onto the deck. _God_.

God, he couldn't do this.

" _Get down_!" screamed the coach.

Yunho closed his eyes.

 _I don't think I can even do that anymore_. _I don't think I can do it. I'm too tired._

But Yunho found himself forcing himself in position soon to allow his coach to beat him.

_God._

"Get up, Jung. Just fucking do it."

Yunho swallowed down the exhaustion and forced himself onto the block.

"Take your mark."

Yunho's shaking fingers gripped the end of the diving block.

The moment between the instruction and the buzzer felt like forever.

He had never been afraid of water before, but he was afraid of it now; he didn't think he would make it out of the water alive this time.

And he was truly convinced – _I am going to die here today._

The buzzer sounded, and Yunho dived.

Yunho didn't even remember the swim.

He just remembered losing all feeling in his limbs, and just trying to stay alive.

But he didn't die, and he was going to collapse as soon as he finished his swim, and he couldn't do it anymore, he couldn't –

He pulled himself out of the pool and sat on the edge of the pool – he couldn't, he couldn't even stand anymore, it was even too much energy to sit –

Behind him, he heard the stick clatter to the ground. Then his coach spoke quietly.

"Get some sleep, Jung."

He heard his coach's footsteps move away from him, and soon, he heard the door open and close in the pool.

He was alone now here.

He finally raised his head and looked up at the scoreboard.

 

1:44:81

 

Yunho stared at the board blankly.

He'd just beaten his personal record -- in fact, he'd _shattered_ it.

But there was no sense of achievement, or fulfillment, or any other type of joy that he got with feats like this.

He felt empty.

He felt nothing.


	12. Chapter 12

Changmin woke from sleep when Yunho finally stumbled into the room.

"You're back," croaked Changmin.

Yunho dropped his bag on the floor and forced himself to his bed before he collapsed.

"What took so long?"

Yunho didn't bother answering him. He didn't even bother getting out of his warm-ups before he climbed into bed.

Changmin didn't ask any more questions after that and a little while later, Yunho heard Changmin's soft snoring again. Yunho was exhausted, to be sure, probably more than any other time he remembered, but his mind was so busy, he wasn't falling asleep. He applied all the techniques he'd learned to have a good night's sleep, but to no avail.

He spent at least half an hour lying in bed, and then he sat up, because maybe the reason why he wasn't falling asleep was because he wasn't comfortable enough. He changed out of his clothes, and then spent some time applying the hot-and-cold tapes to the especially sore spots on his shoulders and his thighs, and then settled into bed again.

He closed his eyes, and tried to clear his mind. He had to be up in just three hours, and then this would start all over again. He had another day's hard training ahead of him.

And then, for the first time in his life since he started swimming, his mind asked a very, very foreign question:

_What for?_

Yunho's eyes flew open.

Did he really ask himself that question?

How did he ask himself that, when he'd forced himself and his family through hell and back to achieve this one dream? _How?_

Yunho was overwhelmed with guilt, and he let out a long breath and closed his eyes again.

 _I have to be happy. I have to be happy because the only reason everyone is doing this is to make me happy. It is my responsibility to train as hard as I can, and to be happy while I train_.

_Don't be an even more selfish bastard and ungrateful little shit than you've already been._

_Don't. Ever. Ask that question again._

 

 

"Hyung, wake up. It's time for breakfast," declared Changmin, tapping Yunho's back.

Yunho contemplated whether he wanted to sleep or eat, but he eventually forced himself to get up. He had no chance at survival today if he didn't eat.

"Okay," he said quietly. "I'll come down when I'm ready."

"I can wait for you," said Changmin cheerfully, sitting back down on his bed.

Yunho sighed. "Fine. Whatever."

Yunho brought his change of clothes to the bathroom and he changed in there after he brushed his teeth; he normally changed in his room, but Changmin didn't need to see those bruises from last night. Yunho took a look though, as he changed, and he saw that his entire backside was various shades of black and blue.

He sighed and stepped carefully into his warm-ups. He then walked out of the bathroom.

Changmin was playing on his phone obliviously when Yunho stepped out. He glanced up and Yunho and stood up from his bed. "Okay. Let's go."

Changmin shoved his phone into his pocket a few moments later as they walked.

"So break is coming up soon," said Changmin as they walked down the halls. It was already busy with other athletes, and it was barely 4:30 in the morning. "I've already invited myself over to you and your parents' house."

"Right," said Yunho quietly.

"I mean, I called your parents last night and told them I was coming. They said that I was welcome anytime."

Yunho forced out a smile. "Didn't know you were so close with them."

"I do try to text them at least a few times a week," said Changmin with a grin. "Just to update them on my training and stuff."

Well, that was better than what Yunho had been doing for the past few weeks. It was probably a good thing that Changmin was acting as their second son.

It seemed that Changmin would make up for what Yunho lacked, both as a son and as a swimmer.

Maybe Yunho didn't have to be here after all.

 

 

The gruelling training continued on day after day, and Yunho felt himself breaking.

It was the same thing – the next day, Yunho was pushed to beat his own 100-metre fly record, and then the 100-metre backstroke.

The thing was, after the first day when he beat his 200-metre freestyle personal best, he couldn't beat any more records, no matter how hard his coach beat him or pushed him.

With the more technical strokes, when Yunho lost focus and was swimming for survival, he made illegal strokes, illegal turns, and overall completely fell apart. The training sessions ended at around two in the morning each night if he didn't beat his personal best, always ending in a harsh beating for not being able to beat his personal best.

And then Yunho would crawl into bed at two in the morning, and then tried to fall asleep, but he would never be able to turn his mind off and would spend at least half of the few hours he was given to sleep just lying blankly in bed, trying to organize his thoughts.

When Sunday came around and Yunho finally had the day off, Yunho was finally allowed to spend the day in bed.

Changmin slept in too, but he got up in time to make it to the cafeteria for breakfast; Yunho, on the other hand, was too tired both physically and emotionally to get up.

It was obvious to both of them that Yunho was awake, but was still cuddled up in bed. Changmin got dressed, then crawled into Yunho's bed next to him.

"Hyu-ung," whined Changmin, hugging Yunho from behind.

Yunho ignored him.

"Let's go out for brunch today."

Yunho shook his head.

"Why not?" pouted Changmin.

"Tired."

Changmin hesitated. "I know you've been training hard. All the more reason to go out and have some fun."

"I'm really, really tired, Changmin," said Yunho patiently. "Go with someone else."

"I don't have any friends."

Yunho was starting to get annoyed now. "Go by yourself then. Leave me alone."

Changmin was apparently taken aback, because he got up from Yunho's bed.

"Okay. Maybe we can go out for dinner instead," said Changmin.

He then turned and left the room, leaving Yunho alone inside it.

In the absolute silence and loneliness after Changmin left, Yunho's mind always returned to one thing:

_I hate this, I hate this, I hate this._

Maybe the right thing to do would be to retire. He wasn't doing anyone favours by making himself stay in an environment where he was absolutely miserable.

But he knew, and he kept repeating the same phrases in his head: _You can't give up now_. _You've come this far. You can't give up now._

A couple of hours later, Changmin returned; but he didn't engage Yunho in conversation and Yunho stayed turned away.

For hours, Changmin played with his phone and caught up on his homework at his desk. Late afternoon, Yunho still hadn't eaten anything and hadn't moved an inch from bed, and Changmin finally approached him.

"Hyung, if you're really sore and tired, we should go to the sauna or something. Don't just lie here all day."

"I just want to rest."

"You can rest and eat and do fun things at the same time. Come on. Let's not waste our Sunday."

Yunho let out a deep sigh of frustration.

_My God, when did Changmin become so annoying?_

"Changmin, just go by yourself if you want to. I already said I wasn't going."

"I… I get that, but you can't starve. Hyung, you're a swimmer."

"For the last time, I'm not going," snapped Yunho. "If you ask me that one more time, Shim Changmin…"

Changmin pouted. " _Okay_. Fine. Do what you want."

Changmin left the room with that, and Yunho felt guilty about setting off on Changmin. He considered apologizing to him, but when Changmin returned, smiling genuinely and carrying a plate of food for Yunho, he decided that a 'thank you' would be less awkward.

 

 

The Monday morning afterwards was absolutely brutal.

Getting up in the morning was always hard, especially after he'd been getting the extra training, but it was absolutely unbearable today.

Changmin tapped his shoulder again, reminding him that it's time for breakfast.

Yunho had to get up for breakfast, and then go to training, and then bust his ass both figuratively and literally.

_But he simply couldn't._

He couldn't.

"I'm not going to practice today," muttered Yunho. "I'm sick."

Changmin regarded him for a few minutes. "I'll bring you some food for breakfast while you think about whether or not you want to go to practice."

"Don't," muttered Yunho. "Just go away. Please. I'm really tired."

Yunho heard Changmin sigh, but a few moments later, Changmin was gone.

 

 

Yunho was still lying in bed when Changmin returned to the room between dinner and weight training for a break. He plopped down on his bed in exhaustion.

Still not wanting to talk, Yunho stayed turned away towards the wall, but Changmin spoke.

"Hyung, the coach says he wants to see you in his office."

Yunho grunted. "I'm sick."

"He said to tell you that it's just for a short talk and he wants your ass in there in the next fifteen minutes even if you have to crawl to it."

Yunho sighed. _Why should I listen to him?_ crossed his mind, but then he remembered, he's being paid and sponsored by the Korean Swimming Association to board and eat and train here, and it was at least his responsibility to listen to his coach.

He forced himself to sit up for the first time today, and brushed his hair back – and he had started to change into his warm-ups mindlessly when Changmin sat up on his own bed.

"Hyung," said Changmin with a frown. Yunho looked up. Changmin got up slowly. "What's that on your legs?"

"Nothing," said Yunho. He stepped into his warm-ups, but Changmin's hand closed around Yunho's wrist.

"What – wait, let me see –"

He knew Changmin got a good look at his bruises – there was not a single spot from his backside to the tops of the back of his knees that wasn't bruised after all, it was quite the feat that he'd kept it away from Changmin for the whole week in the first place – but he was still annoyed and embarrassed.

"My fucking god, fuck _off_ ," snapped Yunho. He managed to get into his warm-ups. "Fuck off, Shim Changmin."

"I… I was just…" Changmin trailed off. Yunho looked up, and saw Changmin's eyes looking back at him, clearly upset.

"Leave me alone."

Changmin didn't. He stayed by Yunho's side, and a moment later, Yunho felt Changmin's hesitant hand on his shoulder. Annoyed, Yunho glared at the younger.

"Damn it, Shim Changmin, why can't you just –"

"Hyung –"

"Get off!" shouted Yunho. He pushed Changmin roughly on his chest.

Changmin stumbled back, caught unawares; he lost his balance and fell backwards onto the floor with a short yelp.

He saw Changmin's body curl up defensively on the floor, and Yunho felt his heart drop.

Changmin's eyes were full of hurt and fear, and they welled up with tears as Yunho watched.

Oh, God, what had he _done_?

"Oh my God," said Yunho. He dropped to his knees on the floor so that he was at eye level with Changmin and approached him. "I'm so sorry."

As he did so, Changmin whimpered and pushed Yunho away lightly. Tears slid down from Changmin's eyes.

"I'm so sorry," whispered Yunho. "I'm sorry. Changmin, I… I don't know – I'm so sorry."

"Just give me a sec," whispered Changmin. He buried his face into his knees.

He _knew_ that he was the only stable attachment Changmin had _ever_ made, and really, he was just trying to make Yunho feel better – and what had Yunho _done_ to him?

"Oh, god," whispered Yunho. "I'm so sorry, Changmin."

"I'm not mad," said Changmin quietly.

He looked up into Yunho's eyes.

"But please don't ever hit me again."

Yunho shook his head. "I don't know what's wrong with me," whispered Yunho. He shook his head in shame. "Changmin, I don't know what's wrong with me lately, I'm – I've become – Changmin, I'm so –"

"Nothing's wrong with you," said Changmin assertively. "Nothing's wrong with you. What's wrong is that you're being abused. And that's not your fault."

"No one's abusing me," whispered Yunho, face flushing in embarrassment, but Changmin shook his head.

"You're wrong. You're being abused, and –"

"Changmin, let's not talk about –"

"You should never be ashamed of having been abused," said Changmin angrily. "Because it's not your fault. It's not your fault, and _I know_ _better than anyone else_ that it's not your fault."

Yunho looked up at Changmin.

"I _know_ how it feels to be abused and feel like you can't tell anyone. I know how it feels to be abused and know that you can't escape the situation, and I know how fucking awful that feeling is. And _I know_ it takes a hell of a lot of strength and resilience to be abused and to come out of it alive.

"You're not being abused because you're doing anything wrong, and being abused and feeling shitty about that doesn't mean that you're weak."

Changmin said the next words as he looked right into Yunho's eyes.

"Jung Yunho, _it's not our fault._ "

 

 

Yunho was absolutely emotionally and physically drained when he walked into his coach's office. He took the seat across from his coach's desk, who regarded him sharply.

"Yes… I figured that you weren't actually sick today."

Yunho looked into his lap.

"I wanted to discuss off-season with you, Jung. I'm not sure what your plans are, but I think you should stay and –"

"I'm going home," said Yunho quietly but firmly.

"Olympics are only a year away. You're willing to take that chance?"

Yunho glared. "My Olympic chances don't mean anything to you. They only mean something to me."

The coach leaned back on his chair. "Jung Yunho, you were the one who asked me to see you for extra training. You're the selfish little prick who's been taking away my nights, and you think you have the right to skip out on practice whenever the fuck you want?"

Yunho closed his eyes, because deep down, he knew that his coach was right.

Yunho didn't know what to think anymore.

"You probably hate me, don't you?" he asked with a tinge of amusement in his voice. "You don't want to do this anymore."

Yunho neither agreed nor denied it.

"You want to run away."

The coach crossed his arms and sat back on his chair.

"It's tiring for me too, Jung. I don't want to have to spend hours after work looking after your sorry ass."

Yunho breathed out, but it came out as a sigh.

"But you know," he said, looking intensely at Yunho, "I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't think you could do it."

Yunho looked up at his coach, but he couldn't read his eyes.

"Why would I put you through all of that if I didn't think you had the potential to perform well at the Olympics? Jung Yunho, you are the best swimmer this country has ever seen. Ever."

Yunho clenched his teeth.

"What are you saying?" whispered Yunho. "Last week, you were telling me that I was a waste of a National Team spot."

His coach guffawed in laughter, and Yunho had to hold himself back from wincing.

"Jung, you're supposed to be an international-level athlete, for God's sake. You're acting like a child."

Yunho looked tiredly up at his coach.

 _What do you want from me_? he screamed in his mind, but outwardly, he stayed silent.

"There will be a point in time when you will be thankful that I'm doing this to you," he said seriously. "You _will_ thank me."

_Thank you for what? For torturing me?_

"I'm never going to thank you for this," said Yunho quietly.

"That's what you think now," said the coach with a chuckle. "I've been there too. I hated my coach too. And guess what, I thanked my coach years later."

The coach stood from his chair.

"You're on self-destruction mode right now, Jung. And then your effort and training over the years will really have been for nothing."

Yunho was stuck, he really was, and he didn't know how to get out.

And worse, he didn't know whether getting out would even be the right thing to do.

"Go to weight training. And I expect you back at the pool at seven."

Yunho didn't even have the strength to bow on his way out.


	13. Chapter 13

Yunho did force himself to go to weight training, which had been extra hard since he hadn't eaten anything all day. Between that and the private training, he went to the cafeteria to force some protein bars into his mouth before he forced his unwilling self to the pool. As he expected, his coach was extra tough on Yunho as punishment for skipping out on practice that day. Yunho knew that he was crying by the end of the training session, even though he was wet, because his eyes stung so much he could barely even keep them open. Yunho actually ended up getting pretty close to his 200-metre butterfly personal best, within a second – but he didn't beat it. So he stayed until two in the morning at the pool, going through the extra exercises, and by the end, he had thrown up multiple times and his whole body was shaking in exhaustion.

When Yunho was dismissed, for the first time ever, he just walked past the showers and just dried himself off with a towel in an attempt to get to bed sooner.

Yunho was surprised, though, when he saw that the light was still on in his room when he walked in; Changmin wasn't sleeping yet today.

"Why aren't you asleep?" managed Yunho, hoping his eyes weren't too red. When he looked up at Changmin, though, he realized that Changmin's were – and Changmin looked more upset than Yunho had ever seen him.

Instead of answering, Changmin stood for Yunho when Yunho trudged into the room with a large paper bag.

"I got you some stuff for while you were gone to make you try to feel better," said Changmin's quiet voice.

Yunho looked up at Changmin – Yunho was exhausted and wanted nothing more than to just collapse onto his bed, but he swallowed and took the bag silently from Changmin and sat down on his bed with it.

It was heavier than Yunho expected it to be.

Changmin sat down next to him while Yunho opened the bag.

All of Yunho's and even Changmin's favourite things filled the bag – from chocolate bars to cookies and small cakes, to soft socks, to new fluffy swim towels, to the book Yunho mentioned to Changmin in passing. Changmin's gold from Nationals and his two medals from Worlds were in the pile too.

Yunho felt his eyes fill up with tears at Changmin's thoughtful gesture, but he blinked them away and put the bag down. He would have to deal with this tomorrow, because he was just too exhausted right now.

“Thank you, Changmin,” managed Yunho. He put the bag down on the floor next to his bed and lifted his blanket with his sore arms and got under them, and Changmin stood up hesitantly.

"I'm so sorry," whispered Changmin. "I know none of this even matters, but I didn't know what else I could do, and I – I'm so sorry that I don't know how to make you feel better."

"I do feel better," clarified Yunho. "I do, Changmin, I really do, I – thank you."

Changmin still looked upset, maybe even more upset than Yunho – and so Yunho sat up again; maybe this couldn't wait until tomorrow morning.

Yunho picked up the bag again, and he reached inside the bag and fished out the worlds medals. Let's start there.

"Changmin these are yours. I can't take these. You should already have these framed up on your wall at home."

"What wall," whispered Changmin. "What home."

Yunho froze.

"I don't want them," said Changmin sounding a bit disgusted. "I don't care about them, and I don't want them."

"You're not allowed to say that," chastised Yunho. "Come here."

Changmin shuffled closer, and Yunho hung the medals around Changmin's neck.

"You deserve this, you –"

Changmin pulled the medals from his neck, clearly still upset.

"I don't care about these. I don't care what you say, in the end, they're just pieces of metal."

"Changmin, these aren't just pieces of metal, this means that you are the fastest swimmer in the country, and this means that –"

"Who cares? It doesn't even matter," snapped Changmin. "It doesn't matter who can swim faster than who. It _doesn't matter_. None of it means anything."

Yunho sighed.

He remembered getting so very angry at Changmin when he first heard Changmin say them, but he wasn't angry today.

He was tired, but today, he understood.

He knew what Changmin meant.

"You keep these," said Yunho anyway. "They're yours, and having these don't mean anything for me."

Changmin silently wrapped the ribbons around the medals, and looked down at his feet.

"But I hope that one day, you'll be proud of having these. Because you worked really hard, and you deserve them."

Yunho got up and wrapped his arms around Changmin to give him a tight, long hug. "And thank you so much for all of this."

Changmin simply lifted his arms and returned the hug.

 

 

Hating the water was such a foreign feeling to Yunho.

His entire life, he had wanted to swim, and he couldn't go more than two days without swimming – but now, he didn't even want to look at the pool, never mind go inside it.

Just twelve more days.

Yunho pushed through the days with gritted teeth, counting down to eleven, ten, nine –

Then finally…

"Hyung, we're going to miss the train home if you don't get up now."

Yunho sat up slowly from his bed, and saw Changmin standing beside the bed with yet another bag in his hand.

Neither of them told anyone about what was happening – they both knew that they couldn't risk that.

Changmin had taken to this hard – harder than Yunho himself.

Changmin didn't talk as much, he spent more time in bed too, and sometimes woke up in the middle of the night in tears – waking Yunho too, in the process – but Yunho always pretended to be asleep, thinking that Changmin might appreciate that more. Changmin was half-hearted during practice, and it was obvious. But Changmin was this past Worlds' team hero; thankfully, he got away with a lot.

If he only committed half of his heart to swimming, he committed the other half to Yunho.

He stuck by Yunho for as long as he could, and every day, he was always there with a bag of treats for Yunho.

Yunho didn't have much time to get through Changmin's treats, so he had an arm full of it to take home for the break.

But on the train home, when the cart reached their compartment, Changmin apparently hadn't finished buying treats for him; he still put a hand on Yunho's thigh.

"Do you want anything from the cart?" asked Changmin once they were in the train.

Yunho smiled and shook his head.

"No," said Yunho.

Changmin bought a few chocolate bars anyway, and handed them to Yunho. "Here."

"I'm okay, Changmin."

"Let's share one."

Changmin opened one, and broke it off and handed the bigger piece to Yunho.

Yunho hesitated, but took it eventually. "Thanks."

Changmin smiled and bit into his chocolate bar.

"You really don't have to do any of this," said Yunho quietly.

Changmin looked away and through the window. Yunho did the same.

The trees had lost their leaves now, and only thin, bare branches remained – it was going to be winter soon.

"I don't know what else to do," whispered Changmin. "I have been through this, I should know what I can do to make you feel better, but I just… don't know how."

 _Just the fact that you're here makes me feel better_ , thought Yunho, looking at Changmin. _More than you'll ever know._

But he couldn't say the words aloud.

Instead, he turned his head towards the window again.

A few light snowflakes blew by.

 

 

When they got home, it was obvious that Changmin and Yunho's parents had been talking a lot more often and gotten a lot closer than Yunho knew.

His parents had surprised Changmin by renovating a spare room upstairs that they were using for storage into a bedroom for him.

"Here's your wall to put your medals on," said Yunho with a smile, wrapping an arm around Changmin's waist.

"I can't –" said Changmin, but Yunho's parents wouldn't have any of it.

"You can," said Yunho's mother. "Make this your home, Changmin, for as long as you want it to be."

Changmin had smiled back with those watery eyes.

 

 

Once break started, the last thing Yunho wanted to do was swim – in fact, he didn't even want to look at the pool – but he had taken Changmin to his swim club on his first day to ask if they could train there for the break. They were given permission to swim before and after the classes and free swim times were over – before 8am or after 10pm.

Changmin got his swims in in the mornings and then jogged around the neighbourhood sometime in the afternoon. The rest of the time, Changmin spent time with Yunho's parents or came to Yunho's room to keep him company. He didn't really try that hard to make conversation with Yunho, but would sit at Yunho's desk while Yunho lay in bed.

Yunho forced himself to get up for meals with his parents, but spent most of the day lying in bed.

A few days in, his father came into his room after supper.

"Is anything wrong?" asked his father worriedly. "This is so unlike you. You look so sad, Yunho."

Yunho didn't even think before he shook his head. He forced out a smile.

"Nothing's wrong. I've just been training hard, so I'm just happy to have a break to rest."

His father reluctantly accepted the answer, and squeezed Yunho's hand.

"We're so proud of you, Yunho."

Yunho was sure that was meant to be supportive, but to Yunho just then, it just sounded like he meant that he wasn't allowed to stop swimming.


	14. Chapter 14

Yunho felt himself being shaken awake.

"Hyung," whispered Changmin.

Yunho opened his eyes a bit.

"Hmm?"

The sun wasn't up yet; Yunho's room was still pitch-black.

"Let's go swimming."

 _Swimming_?

Yunho shook his head and closed his eyes. "Changmin. I don't –"

"Just for fun. Let's not do any real training. I really just want to go with you."

Yunho opened his eyes again and looked at Changmin. "What time is it?"

"It's a little bit past three."

" _In the morning_?" groaned Yunho. "I'm sleeping."

"As if it matters what time it is. You've been sleeping all day for the past week," Changmin pointed out.

Yunho sighed.

"No."

"Please? I need a ride to the pool."

So that was what it was.

Yunho considered refusing – why did Changmin have to swim at this ungodly hour? – but slowly sat up.

"You've been walking to the pool all week."

"I want a drive today," whined Changmin. "It's really dark."

Yunho almost said no, but then he remembered the time last year when Changmin had told Yunho that he was jealous that Yunho always had someone take him to and from swim practice – and Yunho sighed, defeated.

"Okay. Fine. I'll drive you."

Changmin's eyes lit up.

"Yes! Let's go!"

"Okay. Just give me a second to get up. God."

Before Yunho knew it, he was in the car with the cheerful and excited Changmin in the passenger seat.

"It's been lonely the past week, swimming alone," mused Changmin.

"Swimming isn't a team sport," replied Yunho gruffly. "It's what you signed up for."

"It is a team sport though. We're on the same team."

"Yeah, the same arbitrary team in which we compete against each other. You should switch to water polo or something if you want to play on a real team."

Changmin pouted and crossed his arms. "Well, I still like it when there are other people in the pool with me."

"I'm not going to swim with you today, if that's what you're implying."

Changmin rolled his eyes. "Okay, fine. Whatever."

They got to the pool in a few minutes. Yunho stopped the car in front of the entrance, but Changmin didn't get out.

"We're here," said Yunho, looking pointedly at Changmin.

"I know. You should park."

"No, I'm going back home. Get out. Call me when you're done and I'll come pick you up."

"Hyung, come in with me," says Changmin, pouting.

"I gave you the ride," said Yunho. "I never said I was coming into the pool with you."

"I never said you'd have to swim if you came in with me."

"Shim Changmin, get out, or I'm turning the car around and driving right back home."

"You can just watch. And coach me. You're the best freestyle swimmer in the country after all."

Yunho sighed and rubbed his forehead. "You're such a pain."

"That's what roommates are for, right?" grinned Changmin. "C'mon. I'll pay for parking."

Yunho groaned, but turned into the parking lot.

 

 

The pool was empty, obviously, and still dark; there wasn't a single ripple in the vast pool. Only a couple of the lights were on in the pool, shining into the water. It looked so much like the pool back at the Village, before he started his nightly training.

Yunho swallowed and turned to the side of the pool and found himself a plastic chair. Changmin was already wearing his jammers under his clothes, so he just stripped his jacket and his pants off and jumped into the pool without anything else.

Yunho sighed and opened Changmin's swim bag. He dug through the overly large bag until he found Changmin's caps and his goggles, and threw them into the water for him.

Changmin didn't bother retrieving any of his things though, and splashed around in the pool playfully for a while. After he apparently deemed himself sufficiently wet, he swam over to the side of the pool, grabbed onto the side of the pool and looked at Yunho with twinkling eyes.

"Are you gonna coach me today? Or are you going to swim?"

Yunho sighed at Changmin warily. "I just wanna sit here."

Changmin pouted. "You might as well do _something_ since you're here."

Yunho shook his head.

"I'll just watch. You swim."

"Why won't you swim?" said Changmin, his face scrunching up with disappointment.

"I didn't bring my jammers."

"You can borrow a pair of mine! I happened to bring a spare!"

" _Changmin_ …"

Changmin sighed. "Fine. We might as well just go home then."

Yunho raised his eyebrows. "Listen, if you just wanted to get wet, you could have just taken a shower at home."

Changmin shook his head. "I actually just wanted to come because I wanted to swim with you again."

Yunho thought he knew what Changmin was talking about; the time when they'd both fallen into the National Team pool and had swam for fun.

The first and only time that they'd swum for fun.

"Help me get out," said Changmin, looking dejected. Yunho hesitated, but then stood slowly and walked towards Changmin and took his outstretched hand.

 Yunho would have been lying if he had said that he was surprised that it was Changmin who pulled, and pulled him into the water.

Yunho cringed as he fell into the water, ready for that feeling of discomfort as it came in contact with the skin. The feeling of the water pulling him into the depths below, the feeling of breathlessness and the restraint, and the cold, harsh splashes of water against his face –

But it never came.

Below the surface, it was the same as before; the blue, tranquil, soft, smooth waters that Yunho had fallen in love with.

Yunho shrugged out of his windbreaker and kicked his shoes off underwater, because it was all slowing him down.

Yunho let out the bubbles of breath in his lungs and resurfaced.

When he blinked the droplets of water from his eyes, he realized that Changmin was staring at him.

"What," said Yunho, suddenly feeling self-conscious about his swim.

"I thought you'd yell at me," said Changmin with an amused smile. "But then you just, like, took your clothes off underwater, like you've been wanting to swim for ages but you didn't because no one's pulled you in."

"Well," muttered Yunho, shaking the water droplets from his hair. "I thought I'd yell at you too."

They both swam – splashed each other and chased each other around, pushed each other into the water and laughed.

Yunho didn't know how much time had passed, and it still remained dark outside, but both Changmin and Yunho got out of breath after a while, and so they decided to come out and sit together on the edge of the deck with their feet in the water.

"It's strange, isn't it?" said Changmin.

"What is?"

"That people glorify something as _primitive_ as swimming."

Primitive.

Yunho clenched his teeth.

That was what this sport was, really; it was about kicking and flailing as fast as you can to be able to get yourself across a body of water without drowning.

Yunho reached into the pool with his hand, scooped up a bit of it in his hand, and then let the water fall through his fingers.

It was primitive.

"Changmin…"

Changmin looked up.

"Why did you choose swimming?"

Changmin tilted his head towards Yunho.

"What do you mean? I already told you, like, a year ago how I ended up here."

"But you haven't told me why you swim, and not do something else. You could have picked any other sport."

Changmin chuckled.

"Well… when I started swimming, I always felt… safe in the water," said Changmin. "Like the water around me would protect me from anything. It felt comfortable, like I belonged there more than on land."

Changmin kicked his foot up, and a splash of clear water drops flew up, and glistened in the moonlight before falling back down into the pool, creating rippled upon the calm surface.

"It was a bit different when I started swimming competitively. In a way, I didn't feel as safe, and I stopped loving swimming so much. I started to swim because I had to, to survive. But I knew that if I wanted to break the cycle, this was the only way. And, when I was younger, I thought, maybe if I became famous, maybe my parents would come to find me." He let out a small laugh. "I guess I was too hopeful, because they didn't."

Yunho bit his lip.

"So… you don't love swimming anymore?"

Changmin turned his head towards Yunho. And then he smiled ruefully. "I don't know."

Yunho sighed.

Changmin looked at Yunho. "How about you? Why do you swim? With your physique, I'm sure you could have been really good at other sports too."

Yunho hesitated.

He started swimming when he was so young that he couldn't remember his first day in the pool – he just remembered that it was one of those mommy-and-me classes. But he vividly remembered when he has finished his basic recreational classes and his parents hadn't enrolled him into the next class up. Yunho remembered crying and begging his parents to let him continue swimming competitively, and only then realizing how much Yunho loved swimming, they had let him train with a coach.

But why did Yunho want to swim so much back then?

"I don't know why I swim," said Yunho quietly. "I'm trying to figure it out."

Changmin smiled and reached for Yunho's hand. He found it and squeezed.

"I don't think you have to know why," he said. "It doesn't matter why you swim, like you said before. If you like swimming better than not swimming, you should swim."

"But I'm not sure," murmured Yunho. "I'm not sure if I like swimming better than not swimming."

 Changmin turned his head to look at Yunho.

"I wish it were as easy as telling you to just quit," said Changmin quietly. "But…"

Changmin trailed off, but Yunho finished the sentence.

"The only thing I know how to do is swim," whispered Yunho. " _I can't do anything else_."


	15. Chapter 15

Yunho still didn't go to the pool to train after that day.

He appreciated the moment, and the fact that Changmin tried to get him to swim again, but he couldn't bring himself to begin training again. While Changmin tried to coax him to go back to the pool every day, he was still afraid of the water and what the future held for him in the pool. While Changmin didn't force Yunho to go to the pool, he did force him to go on runs. Day by day, Changmin took him for longer and longer runs, perhaps realizing that that was all the training that Yunho was going to get.

Soon, they were clocking in the full 15 kilometers within the 50-minute mark, which was a first for Yunho since the poisoning incident. Still, though, Yunho felt no sense of achievement. The only emotion he felt was relief at the end of the run that it was finally over and he would be able to hide away in his room afterwards. His days were going by much too slowly, but still, somehow, the end of the break approached much too quickly.

When there was only a week or so left of the break, his father knocked on his door one night and came in. He smiled and sat down next to Yunho.

"Did you have a good time here?"

Yunho nodded.

"That's good."

There was a silence. Yunho's father didn't talk much, usually, and Yunho probably wasn't the most personable son in the world, either. So Yunho was sitting in bed, just looking into his lap, when his father spoke again.

"Yunho… I just want to know why you haven't been going to the pool."

Yunho almost shuddered at the mere word, 'pool', and had to take some breaths before speaking again.

"They've been pushing me really hard at the Village," said Yunho, feeling a bit defensive. "I need a break once in a while, too. I've barely ever had a break from training my entire life."

His father nodded. "Of course. I wasn't trying to push you."

Yunho sighed.

"Maybe you should stay here and train with your old coach for a little while, just to get yourself back in shape," suggested Yunho's father. "And then you can go back to the Village and –"

"They won't take me seriously if I stay," said Yunho sharply. "If you'd seen how hard they were pushing me before the break…" Yunho sighed. "They didn't even want to let me come home this break."

There was a silence as his father just listened, and didn't say anything. And it was the silence that broke him.

"And I just… my body's still a mess, I don't know what I'm doing, and I feel like – I feel like I'm just sabotaging myself at this point. My endurance is shot, my technique is all over the place, and… and I know coaching for elite swimming's been expensive as it is. They won't fund my training outside the Village."

Yunho stopped talking, because his father didn't need to hear this.

He had enough things to worry about without Yunho burdening him as well.

His father sighed and spoke quietly.

"Yunho… things happen. Maybe you weren't meant to go this quad."

Yunho clenched his teeth. He hated that – hated the very likely possibility that he won't be able to go to the Olympics. He hated himself for not being able to endure the tough training that his coach has been putting him through, and hated the fact that his body didn't do what he wanted it to. He hated that he didn't want to swim anymore.

"Not making it this year isn't the end of the world. There is also the next quad."

" _There is no next quad_. I'm not going to do this shit for another four years," snapped Yunho without even realizing it.

When he did realize that he'd snapped and sworn at his father, he dropped his head and hugged his knees in shame.

"I'm sorry. I just meant… I've… already done it for long enough."

"Yunho," said his father seriously. He took both of Yunho's hands in his own. He stayed silent until Yunho looked up into his father's eyes. And then he spoke quietly and genuinely. "You don't have to do this."

Tears gathered in Yunho's eyes, because Yunho saw that his father understood. He saw how proud his father was of him, despite being Yunho this physical and emotional wreck, and that he just wanted the best for Yunho.

A tear fell, and Yunho wiped it away.

"You don't have to do it."

"But I'm so close," said Yunho quietly. "I'm so… so close."

"I know. But that's okay."

"You've sacrificed so much for me to get here," murmured Yunho. His tears were falling steadily now. "I… I can't quit."

"Yunho," said his father with a small chuckle. "It would make your mother and me miserable to know that you're doing this for us. It was only our duty as parents for us to support such a talented and motivated son. And no matter where you want to stop your journey, Yunho, we won't regret it one bit. I promise. You say we made sacrifices for you, but you made more sacrifices than anyone else. And you are allowed to stop. Whenever you want."

Yunho squeezed his eyes shut.

"Just until the end of Olympic Trials," whispered Yunho. "And then I'm done."

His father nodded.

"Okay. Whatever you want, Yunho."

And that was it.

 

 

Nine months.

Yunho only had nine short months to get ready for Olympic Trials.

Yunho and Changmin returned to the Village the day before their first day of scheduled training, and Yunho finally forced himself to do a full day of workouts with Changmin, but they opted for the dry gym to do strengthening exercises and running instead of going to the pool.

At the end of the day, the two of them settled into their rooms again, and while Yunho lay in bed wordlessly and unmoving, Changmin sat on his bed and just watched Yunho. Eventually, Yunho spoke.

"It sucks," muttered Yunho. "I just want a break, but my job description is literally not taking breaks. I've worked every single day for 18 years of my life, but a few weeks of no training and it's all crumbled down and it's impossible to build it back up."

Changmin plopped down on his bed too, and sighed.

"Hyung… you're really not doing as badly as you think you are," said Changmin. "Even now, you're probably in better shape than some of the other national team members."

"No one cares," replied Yunho harshly. "If I'm not back to being 100 percent, no one cares. They want me to win medals."

"Who are _'they'_?" asked Changmin.

Yunho turned his head towards Changmin, speechless.

"This was all supposed to be about you, not about anyone else," reasoned Changmin. "It doesn't matter who wants you to do what. It's all about you. Who cares what other people think?"

Yunho chuckled despite himself. That was such a Changmin thing to say.

"But really."

"You can say that because you haven't had anyone help you get here," argued Yunho. "I'm different. I had my parents pay for really expensive training and competitions, my coaches who work longer hours than I do, a university who gave me a scholarship for swimming, my fans who follow me everywhere… If I don't win, they'll think I'm an ungrateful little shit."

"No one will think you're an ungrateful little shit if they knew how hard you've worked all these years."

Changmin looked at Yunho.

"It's not like they'll give you all the acknowledgement you deserve if you win, either. Swimming is a thankless sport," said Changmin. "We work so, so hard for a sport that doesn't get the most coverage, or the most support. Like, if you had a worlds gold in baseball or something, you'd be a celebrity. You have a worlds gold in swimming, which is arguably harder to get than a gold in baseball, and still… everyone only watches swimming once every four years. Why are you doing this to yourself?"

"I don't know," said Yunho quietly.

And, before he could stop himself, he was saying the words that he had never, ever wanted to say.

"I don't even know why this is so important anymore."


	16. Chapter 16

"It's time to wake up," said Changmin's voice groggily.

Yunho sighed, but once Changmin was finished in the bathroom, he sat up too, albeit unwillingly. He barely made it to and back from the bathroom; it was hard trying to fall into a routine again after having spent most of the last month in bed.

"Breakfast," muttered Changmin, pulling at Yunho's jacket.

"Mm," said Yunho finally. He was already sore after his workout yesterday, so he prayed that he would survive today – especially since it would be the first time he went to the pool since the little swim with Changmin during break.

He forced himself to the cafeteria and forced himself to take a few bites of an energy bar, because it would be what will fuel him for the entire morning, and then reluctantly went outside where they usually conglomerated to start their morning run.

As Yunho shivered in his trainers in the cold morning air with the rest of the team, watching his breath turn the dusky air foggy, he saw the assistant coach walk towards them – and another two faces that he knew, but he didn't expect to be there.

Yunho stopped and stared at the two figures in suits with clipboards, shocked. He even forgot to breathe.

"Welcome back," said the assistant coach. "As many of you know, this is Mr. Chun, and this is Mr. Kang, from the Korean Swimming Association Selection Committee to watch your practice and training."

Yunho frowned. There were no international meets coming up until February, which was three months away – and that was only a small Friendlies meet in Belgium. Korea was probably going to send some B-listers to that meet. There was no reason for selection committee members to be here.

"Why are they here," Yunho heard another member whisper behind him.

"I notice some of you wearing your own clothes, but from now on until Olympic Trials are over, you are to wear the proper national team gear with your names printed on them for every practice. Doesn't matter if you're doing land training or swimming. You follow our rules, and you train how we want you to, and there will be no arguing – or your Olympic bid is over."

Yunho and Changmin exchanged looks. Changmin raised his eyebrows. Did this really mean…?

"Olympics selections begin now," said the coach.

Yunho's eyes widened.

_Now? Nine months before Trials?_

_What would be the point of performing well at Trials if they were going to decide the team over the next nine months anyway?_

Yunho couldn't help but speak. "But what about Trials?"

The coach turned his head towards Yunho.

"Jung," he said.

Yunho swallowed. "Yes, sir."

"You think this is a joke?"

Yunho shook his head.

"Selections. Begin. Now."

Yunho closed his mouth. "Yes, sir."

The coach shot him one more look before starting the time watch. The team stood there, waiting for instructions – because they'd never been timed on the morning runs before and were just expected to return before the morning swim – when he spoke again. "Time's ticking."

Yunho was the first to understand.

He turned on his heel and started running, before the rest of the group could react. Soon, he heard footsteps behind him from the rest of the team members who began their run, too.

Yunho didn't think he was being selfish.

He just needed every single little boost he could get for his Olympic bid to stay alive until Trials.

 

 

Before what happened at Nationals this year, Yunho almost always the first to finish the morning runs.

This time, Yunho finished the run fourth, even with the little boost that he got at the beginning. He'd pushed himself hard, just thinking about the Olympics and how everything he'd worked for up until now would have been a complete waste if he didn't go to the Olympics and won a medal. Changmin had finished fifth. Yunho was fairly sure that Changmin let Yunho beat him, but he wasn't about to argue about that now.

Except, maybe Yunho should have paced himself, because now, he was exhausted – and even before the morning swim started. They waited outside for their last team member to reach the end of the run, then they were sent to the change rooms to change into their swimming gear.

"What's going _on_ ," whispered Changmin, shaking his head. "I don't get this."

"Me neither."

"I thought the team was chosen at Trials, based on our _times_."

"Me too."

"Last quad –"

"They didn't do this last quad. I was there at Trials," said Yunho quietly. "I fucked up at Trials and I didn't make it last quad, even though I was doing really well at practice all year."

Changmin smiled ruefully. "I know. I watched it on TV."

Yunho turned back to his locker angrily, and stuffed all his clothes inside. "Anyway. It doesn't seem like this year's going to work out any better for me."

Changmin sighed and turned to his own locker.

"By the way, Changmin," said Yunho after closing his locker. Changmin turned his head to look at him. "Don't just let me win like that, unless you want your own Olympic bid to be over. You don't owe me anything."

Changmin shook his head. "I – I didn't –"

"It's like you said," said Yunho. "It's all about you. Not anyone else. Take care of yourself before anyone else."

Changmin smiled. "You don't get it," he said. "That's not what I meant when I said that."

Yunho stared.

"I don't have anyone to please except myself. Whatever choices I make, I make for myself."

"Yes, so make the choice to make that fucking Olympic Team, like you deserve, and –"

"I will," said Changmin decisively. And the way he said it, Yunho knew that he was serious about all of this. "But I don't want to be on that team unless you're on it too, Hyung."

" _You idiot_ ," said Yunho through gritted teeth.

"It's up to me," said Changmin. He finished folding his clothes into his locker and closed it. "Don't tell me what to do."

Yunho stepped closer to Changmin and gripped his shoulder. He spoke while looking straight into Changmin's eyes. "If you're not ahead of me to push me, I'm never going to make the Olympic Team either. So buckle the fuck up and expect for me to catch up to you. Because I will."

Yunho released Changmin's shoulder.

"The Olympics aren't a fucking joke, Shim. Give it the respect it deserves."

Changmin didn't speak – just looked at Yunho, looking like he didn't know what to say.

And after a while, he bit down on his lower lip and nodded.

"Okay," he whispered.

"Good," said Yunho.

Yunho turned and walked into the pool.


	17. Chapter 17

Everyone was given these heart monitors to wear around their wrists.

Then everyone was expected to swim 15 kilometers each swim. If the athlete's heart rate wasn't high enough, they were required to swim faster, and harder for longer.

Every day felt like torture, and swimming was nothing more than work for him now – hard work that he hated, and wished he could be free from.

Yunho had hoped that his coach would have forgotten that he was giving Yunho extra training, but on the very first day after the disastrous swim in which Yunho felt like he was barely keeping up, Yunho was pulled aside by his coach.

"I thought you'd be back in shape by the time you came back," said the coach. "Even athletes recovering from surgery recover faster than you."

Yunho had hung his head in defeat and shame, and the coach sighed too.

"I don't want to waste my time on you anymore, Jung. Spend another two hours each day outside of scheduled training with your heart rate above 190," he said.

Yunho looked up at his coach blankly. He didn't know if he could push himself as hard as the coaches wanted him to, but he also didn't want to risk his Olympic chances.

"Is there a problem?" asked the coach.

Yunho shook his head tiredly. He really didn't have the strength or will to argue anymore. "No, coach," he replied.

And Yunho did just as he was told, just to keep his feeble Olympic dream alive. Every day, after training and eating dinner, and napping for a couple of hours, he would get up again and go to the gym and run lap after lap after lap in the tracks that was abandoned now by everyone else in the Village. Changmin came with him, sometimes to watch and cheer him on and sometimes to run together with him.

He knew he was getting better, but the coaches weren't too happy with his progress, because two weeks later, Yunho was pulled aside once again after a swim.

"Just fucking retire if you're not going to put your heart into it, Jung. You're being a nuisance at this point."

Coming from his coach, the words hurt Yunho more than they maybe should have.

 

 

He tried to hide how defeated he was for the rest of the day, even when Soonil came up to him from behind after their afternoon swim.

"Did you hear?" asked Soonil.

"About what?"

"That Kim Yuna is coming to the Village tonight."

Yunho raised an eyebrow. "Why? She's retired."

"She's here to coach the Figure Skating team for a couple of days, apparently."

"Oh," said Yunho. "Are you going to go see her?"

"Yeah," said Soonil, his eyes sparkling. "Maybe she'll let me take a photo with her."

Yunho chuckled and ruffled his hair. "Good luck."

"You're not coming? I know you're a huge fan."

Yunho shook his head. "I think I'm just going to get a bit of sleep."

"Okay. I'll send you pictures if I see her," said Soonil. He smiled and left, waving.

Only then did Yunho realize that Changmin had been watching the entire exchange with his arms crossed and unimpressed.

"You never ruffle _my_ hair like that," accused Changmin.

Yunho rolled his eyes. "Changmin…"

"Just saying. You don't treat me like you treat Soonil."

Yunho sighed. "I don't want to argue about –"

"I don't either," said Changmin. He smiled. "I'm just teasing you."

Yunho just let out a sigh of relief. "I'm going to go to our room."

"No dinner?" asked Changmin, looking concerned.

Yunho shook his head. "Too tired."

"Okay. I'll bring you something," said Changmin with a smile, and he made his way towards the cafeteria while Yunho made his way towards their room.

Once there, Yunho basked in the rare tranquility and silence.

Retirement.

He had been thinking that he would retire within the year anyhow, even though he was only 22 years old, but maybe it will come sooner than he'd thought.

What would his life be after retirement?

College would be a given, since he'd already accepted a full ride, and he would still be expected to swim. The college athletes always looked like they had so much fun though, so different from what Yunho was used to in elite swimming – so maybe he would find the fun in swimming again.

Yunho sat down at his desk slowly.

But then another thought came to his head: _could I even fit into school again?_

The last time he went to school consistently was before he joined the Junior National Team – so he was only twelve at the time. He went to school in the mornings, then went to the pool in the afternoon. When he became a senior, which was also the year he was supposed to go into high school, he stopped going to school altogether in favour of using the tutoring system at the Village to get him through the curriculum.

Really, his studies have always been his second priority. After taking half-heartedly taking the college entrance exams and getting accepted to Korea's best university nonetheless on the merit of his swimming three years ago, he had never opened a book to study. He knew he would be recruited into university with the sole reason that he was one of the best swimmers in the country, and that was why his parents didn't want him to go pro or start accepting sponsorships; they wanted him to have a solid education.

Yunho picked out his old physics textbook from the scant bookshelf and opened it to a random page.

He saw his messy writing having attempted some kind of problem, but he didn't even know how to start the problem now. He tried to read a few pages around the problem, but it seemed like he would have to spend a lot of time.

He'd forgotten _everything_. Would he be able to keep up in school against other students who had spend their entire lives studying instead of swimming, or would it be like elite swimming all over again, except over academics?

_Why was he so stuck and so lost?_

Yunho bit his lip and flipped to the next page in his textbook when the door opened. Changmin walked in cheerfully with a plate of food for Yunho.

He was surprised to see Yunho sitting at his desk.

"What're you doing?" asked Changmin. He put the plate down on Yunho's desk and sidled up beside him, forcing Yunho to move over on his chair so that they could both fit on it.

Yunho hesitated for a bit before speaking.

"I think I want to go to college in the spring."

_I said it. I really said it._

Changmin's eyes widened in shock.

He was silent for a few moments, just opening and closing his mouth as if he wanted to say something but couldn't, and then he finally spoke.

"H-How about swimming?" he stuttered.

"I've committed to college swimming, so I'll still swim," said Yunho. "At least for a few seasons."

Changmin let out the breath he'd been holding. When he next spoke, his voice was much lower.

"…and Trials?"

Yunho looked up into Changmin's eyes.

"It doesn't seem like they'll be worth anything this year anyway. What do you think?" asked Yunho. "Do you think I should compete at Trials? "

Changmin drew in a breath to say something, but then caught himself.

"I dunno," he managed. "It's up to you."

Changmin stood up from the chair he'd been sharing, and walked to his own bed.

"So… You're going to leave elite swimming and the Village?" he asked, as if to really try to confirm whether he heard right.

"I'm… just thinking about it," said Yunho.

Changmin stared at him, then moved his gaze towards his lap. And then he spoke distantly without looking at Yunho.

"They'll be really lucky to have you."

"Thanks," said Yunho quietly.

Changmin didn't say anything else. He just laid down in bed and got under the sheets. His hand was gripping the blanket tightly as he turned towards the wall, away from Yunho.

"I mean… I don't think I was cut out for elite swimming after all," said Yunho. "I just… think college swimming might be –"

And then Changmin cut him off in the most shocking way that Yunho could have imagined.

"Can we stop talking to each other?"

Yunho stared at him.

"What?"

"I just think we shouldn't talk anymore."

Yunho stood up and walked towards Changmin's bed.

"Changmin… Did I upset you? I – this decision has nothing to do with you. Even if I leave, you're going to do well."

He went to put his hand on Changmin's shoulder, but the touch drew such a violent reaction from Changmin that it was shocking. Changmin hit Yunho's hand away and sat up so quickly that Yunho was dumbfounded.

" _Don't touch me_ ," said Changmin, glaring up at Yunho.

But Changmin wasn't mad – Yunho could tell. He wasn't mad.

Yunho stepped away.

He didn't know what this was about, but he didn't know if he cared enough to find out what it was. He just didn't have the emotional capacity to be dealing with this. Not from Changmin too, for no reason.

So he just slipped under his covers, and realizing that his Olympic bid was over tonight without complying to his mandatory two-hour run, and seeing his dream broken and in tatters before his eyes, he finally let himself cry silent tears.


	18. Chapter 18

Yunho opened his eyes.

His eyes were stinging from crying too much, and he hadn't slept a wink.

12:39 a.m.

He turned away towards the wall and closed his eyes again. More tears fell from his eyes.

_It's over. My Olympic journey is over, and I can't believe it's over._

He forced back a sob.

"Stop crying," ordered Changmin. "I have to sleep."

"It's – It's over," whispered Yunho through his tears.

"Is that why you're crying?" scoffed Changmin. "You're the one that ended it, so why are you crying?"

Another sob escaped Yunho.

"I d-didn't end it because I wa-wanted to. I ended it because I c-can't do this anymore."

"Liar," said Changmin coldly. "You're just making excuses. I know you could go and run for two hours _right now_ if you –"

Changmin stopped himself.

"Anyway. I need to sleep. Either shut up or go run."

Yunho clenched his teeth as more tears came to his eyes.

Changmin was wrong. He was wrong – Yunho wanted to do this, he wished he could. But he just simply _couldn't_.

Or could he?

Yunho looked up at the ceiling. _Couldn't_ , when he's just lying here in bed because he didn't want to do his run? _Couldn't_ , when he was lying here in bed and not passed out at the hospital?

Would he regret this very moment when he was older? This very moment, when he destroyed his own Olympic dream because he didn't want to go on a run?

Yunho sat up and slowly reached for the heart monitor on the bedside table.

He knew he was grasping at straws; he knew this was never going to work – he knew he was never going to make it.

But maybe he could extend his dream just one more day.

 

 

Yunho felt like his head was a bit clearer once he started running. He went outside, because he felt so caged in and so stuck – he thought it would be better than if he ran on the track. Every muscle complained and he was out of breath a lot sooner than he would have liked to be, especially because he'd been crying so hard before. He knew he should be focusing on how far he'd come instead of how far he still had to go, but it wasn't easy.

Yunho broke the run into two, taking a break after an hour. He sat on a bench outside for a while, cooling down. He really started feeling the cold then, so he moved his run inside to the tracks.

About a half hour later, one other person joined him on the track. Yunho didn't pay attention, was finally getting in the zone and focused on finishing his run – until he was passed by the other athlete.

Yunho looked up and saw that it was a female athlete, probably only half his size. She was running a lot faster than he was, though.

It was stupid, how Yunho's mind worked. He felt behind, even here. He didn't like trailing behind her, just seeing her back. If the girl lapped her, Yunho would probably go crazy.

So he ran faster, gritted his teeth and pushed himself, knowing that this was stupid and pointless. But she heard Yunho come up behind her, too, and she glanced back ever so slightly before she started running faster too.

This was so stupid.

She stayed ahead of him for the entire half an hour, albeit by not very much, after which Yunho finally called it quits, admitted defeat internally, and slowed to a walk.

Then, stupidly, she stopped running too, and slowed to a walk.

This was the most stupid thing ever.

Yunho turned and walked to the bench where his water bottle was. He basically fell into it, and drank. Once he felt better, he checked the time. It was almost 2:30 in the morning, and he was here, having a meaningless race against some other athlete that he didn't even know.

This was so stupid.

Yunho moodily reached for his towel and wiped his face, and caught his breath. He would have to shower, and then he had three hours to sleep if he was lucky.

_So. Stupid._

The girl also walked to the bench, also breathing hard, but looking a lot more lively than Yunho. In fact, she didn't even sit down.

Yunho looked up at her face for the first time today, even though they'd been running together for the past half an hour. She was facing the bench so Yunho could only see her profile, but when he saw her face, his mouth dropped open.

_I think know who that is._

She capped her water bottle cooly and turned away – and Yunho couldn't just watch her walk away without saying anything.

"...Yu… Yuna?"

She turned her head towards Yunho.

_Oh my God._

_It's really her._

_I've been meaninglessly racing Kim Yuna on this track for the past half an hour._

She frowned. "Do I know you?"

"No! No. Sorry. Um... sunbae…?"

She winced, then raised an eyebrow. "You skate?"

"Uh... no."

"Then you're not my junior."

"Okay," said Yunho a bit timidly.

"Like, it's fine if you want to call me that, but I didn't actually do anything to improve you or your sport." She then smiled good-naturedly. "Right?"

"Yeah," managed Yunho.

"What sport?"

"I swim."

"Ah," she said easily. "Cool." She then looked Yunho up and down. "I probably could have guessed that."

"Yeah," blushed Yunho.

"Then do you know Shim Changmin?"

Yunho nodded. "He's my roommate."

"Oh, wow." Except, she didn't seem too wowed.

Yunho was ever so slightly hurt that she knew Changmin but not him, but then she spoke again. "I met him during a photoshoot we did for school uniforms last year. Nice guy."

"Oh. Yeah. He is. I like him a lot."

Yuna shrugged.

"What's your name? I'm Yuna."

"I know," said Yunho awkwardly. "I'm Yunho. Jung Yunho."

"Jung... oh! Oh - oh." She observed Yunho closer. "Oh, are you...?"

Yunho looked at her.

"...The one that got poisoned...?"

Yunho sighed. "Yep."

"Oh! Oh, I'm sorry I didn't recognize you at first! I just don't know that much about other sports. You're supposed to be the best swimmer in the country."

Yunho looked away. "Used to be. Just struggling along now."

"Mm," said Yuna, looking sympathetic. "After the incident, obviously. I heard you were in hospital for quite some time."

"...Yeah."

"Why are you working out so late?" asked Yuna.

"Just catching up on my hours," replied Yunho a bit shyly. "How about you? I thought you retired."

"I did," said Yuna, noticeably more cheerfully. "Thank God, yeah, I'm retired. But I just feel kind of dead when I don't run every once in a while."

Yunho sighed. "I think I'm going to retire soon, too."

Yuna raised an eyebrow. "Like… before the Olympics this year?"

Yunho nodded. "Yeah. I think I'm going to go to college instead."

"So why are you running right now?" asked Yuna with a small laugh.

Yunho hesitated. "Because…" He didn't know what to say.

Yuna smiled, reached up, and placed a firm hand on Yunho's shoulder. "I have to tell you, Yunho. It _is_ nice not to have to wake up at five in the morning every day."

"I can imagine," agreed Yunho.

"Or train like a dog twenty-four seven."

Yunho swallowed. "Yes… I know."

"It's never easy. Or fun, for that matter. What they say about you becoming an Olympic champion because you love the sport is all just romantic stories made up by the media. Surely you know that."

Yunho hesitated. Did he?

"Once I made the decision to go elite, I didn't skate because I loved to. I skated because I had no other choice. Does anyone actually like all that weight training and running and skating until your feet are nothing but bruises?" she said matter-of-factly. "Anyway. It's not all honour and glory. All Olympic gold is is an award to recognize that you were the hardest worker in your sport in the past four years. Not that you don't already know that."

Yunho understood now, but he didn't always feel that way. Not before his injury.

"I don't know about that," said Yunho bravely. "I think you can enjoy your sport and be good at it, too."

Yuna raised an eyebrow. "If you still enjoy your sport after going elite, that probably means you're not working hard enough."

"I... disagree," said Yunho bravely.

Yuna didn't look offended at all that Yunho disagreed - in fact, she chuckled.

"Quite the romanticist, aren't you?" laughed Yuna. "Amazing."

"No. I just like to stay positive," defended Yunho.

"I never said that was a bad thing. Maybe training's better for you because you get to eat whatever you want all the time," said Yuna, punching his arm. Yunho winced. "Yunho, there are some things that can't be done with just _passion,_ or your _competitive spirit_."

"Maybe," muttered Yunho.

"I think you've been extremely lucky if you're only now realizing that elite sports is more work than enjoyment. Now you get to feel like the rest of us. And by the way, not enjoying your sport doesn't mean you have no passion for it. In fact...continuing your sport despite hating it just shows how passionate you are about it. So don't feel bad. Or guilty. You're doing okay, Yunho."

Yuna patted Yunho's shoulder.

"Maybe I should have let you call me _sunbae_ after all."

Yunho chuckled. "Probably."

"Anyway, I'm going to bed. I have to coach the little ones tomorrow morning," said Yuna. "Nice meeting you. Maybe we'll see each other around."

"Yeah. Nice meeting you too."

"Good luck at the Olympics."

"I'm not going," said Yunho.

"I think you will. And I think you're gonna kick ass when you're there." Yuna waved, then smiled. "Sorry I didn't let you beat me on the track today. Good luck, Yunho."

"Thanks," said Yunho blankly.

He didn't know if he could believe Yuna, but he really, really wanted to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've always wanted to write a female character who's not just a love interest, which I've never done before. Since she was basically going to be the first female character I ever wrote who had more than 2 lines to say, I wanted to make sure I did her justice - meaning I didn't want her to have any of the 'female stereotypes'. It's only a cameo from her but it was still something significant for me! I hope I did okay, but feedback would be welcome.


	19. Chapter 19

Changmin was already sleeping by the time Yunho returned to their room. Yunho briefly considered waking him up to tell him that maybe they'll still be Olympic champions together, but then changed his mind and decided to go to bed instead.

The next morning, Yunho awoke to Changmin's alarm, as usual. He stayed in bed for a little while longer, because Changmin would usually wash up first and then tap on his arm to wake him up and tell him it's time to get ready, but this time, Changmin came straight out of the bathroom and got dressed for the day. He finished packing his gym bag while Yunho watched, then started making his bed.

Yunho sat up, remembering that Changmin seemed upset last night after he told him that he wanted to go to college, and spoke quietly.

"Hey…" began Yunho. "I'm… still here."

Changmin glanced at him, but just gave a curt nod and finished making his bed.

Yunho hesitated. "Maybe we'll still be Olympic champions together."

Changmin nodded again, without looking at him this time. "Maybe."

Changmin didn't give Yunho another look as he left the room.

 

 

Changmin didn't speak to Yunho for the entire day of training – in fact, he ignored him completely, as if he didn't exist at all.

He looked to be focused only on his training. He spoke to no one else except when he absolutely had to, and he disappeared into their room right after eating supper. He was already lying in bed with his back to the rest of the room when Yunho came into the room between supper and having to finish his extra workout.

Yunho took a short rest too, just lying in bed and willing himself not to fall asleep, and then he finally got himself up again. In all that time, Changmin hadn't moved, so Yunho assumed that he'd fallen asleep and he turned out the lights before picking up his bag again and leaving the room to complete his workout.

Yunho was halfway to the track when he realized that he'd forgotten his towels in his room. He swore under his breath, and after briefly considering just doing the run without towels, he decided that he needed them and turned around again to trudge back to his room.

Just as he arrived and was about to turn the handle, he heard Changmin's voice from the other side of the door.

" _What_? No way. _Seriously_?"

Yunho stopped. Who was he talking to?

"…But you're like, seventeen! _How_?"

It seemed like Changmin was on the phone. Yunho put his hand on the handle to walk in, but then Changmin said the next words.

"Oh my God, congrats. How's the new home? I assume it's good, since you're letting them adopt you."

Yunho froze as Changmin evidently listened to whatever the person on the other end of the line was saying.

"Wow. That's… That's really amazing. I'm really happy for you."

Yunho heard Changmin chuckle.

"Not as exciting as yours, obviously. I mean… I called my social worker for the first time in like… a year and a half last night. Just to ask her if she can help me find my parents again."

Yunho swallowed and gripped the handle tighter.

"No, no. I gave up on getting adopted years ago, when I went into the group home. I'm talking about my birth ones."

Changmin paused.

"I don't know what's gonna happen, but I don't have my hopes up too high. She's tried before, and she couldn't find them. Plus, she said it's gonna be hard for her to do anything for me now, since I left the system."

Changmin paused again.

"Maybe, but I'm turning 18 in a couple of months, and then I'll be out of the system for good."

Yunho heard a sigh.

"I miss you, man," said Changmin with a dry, forced chuckle. "It fucking sucks here."

And between those words and the next, the chuckle had turned into sobs.

"I never should have come here."

Yunho let go of the door handle, and decided that he didn't need his towel for the night.

 

 

Yunho tried making conversation with Changmin for days afterwards, but Changmin continued to ignore him. Yunho didn't really understand why it was that Changmin was so upset at him, but he thought that Changmin would come around – even when his mother called him that weekend, asking, "Yunho, is Changmin okay?"

Yunho glanced at Changmin, who was playing on his phone with his earbuds in on his bed.

Yunho hesitated. "…Yeah, he's okay. Why?"

"He hasn't been answering our texts or our calls. We were just worried."

Yunho had assured his parents that Changmin was fine and that there was nothing to worry about.

 

 

But with Changmin barely speaking to him no matter what Yunho said to him, there were definite changes.

With Changmin disappearing somewhere for meals and doing his stretching and workouts away from Yunho, he ate and trained with his other friends. Most of Yunho's older teammates like Soonil and Hojoon had started to get closer to him again.

There was immediately a palpable distance between Yunho and Changmin. Yunho tried to talk to Changmin about what was going on every night, but Changmin only came back to the room after Yunho had gone for his extra training, and was already in bed by the time Yunho was back.

It went on for weeks. Within that time, Yunho became one of the B-listers chosen to compete against Germany for a Friendlies meet the month after. Obviously, Changmin wasn't going, because he was too good to be wasting his time on such a small meet.

Changmin didn't give Yunho either congratulations or words of comfort for being selected for the meet.

"Are you going to say anything?" said Yunho to the ceiling that night.

Changmin didn't reply.

 If he was being honest, Yunho was cut up over having to compete at the Friendlies meet, but maybe it was a chance for him to prove that he didn't belong in the pool of B-listers.

Yunho started becoming much more meticulous about everything, from training to eating to sleeping. This may as well be his last chance to do anything great in competitive swimming – if he botched this meet, he could kiss his Olympic chances goodbye for good and might as well actually enroll into college.

With Changmin and Yunho both so entirely focused on themselves, there was even less time to talk; Yunho was the one getting up earlier in the mornings to do a more proper stretch before the jog, and although he poked Changmin awake the first few days, Changmin was up before Yunho got the chance to do that. Yunho filled every night with extra strength training too, which Changmin didn't join him for.

Yunho had fallen back into a competitive rhythm when their coach dropped the bomb on the entire team after their evening swim one day – they would every other week from now on until the Olympics sleeping on the wooden floor of the gym that the basketball team used, to prepare for the uncomfortable sleeping conditions that they might face at the Olympic Village.

"Shit," muttered Soonil, shaking his head as they were dismissed. "Unbelievable. And to think that only like, seven of us, maybe, are actually going to the Olympics. As if our actual beds aren't uncomfortable enough."

Yunho grunted, annoyed – he wanted to be well-rested for the Friendlies meet. He was letting out a sigh when he heard Changmin's voice a bit in the distance.

"Coach – Coach."

He turned his head to see that Changmin had jogged up to catch up to the coach as he was about to leave. "Yes, Shim."

Changmin ploughed on.

"I'd rather not sleep on the floor," said Changmin stiffly.

"Excuse me?"

"I don't sleep on the floor, Coach."

"You're going to do what you're told, princess."

The coach turned to leave again, and Changmin followed him outside, saying desperately, "Wait, Coach. It's not like that."

Apparently Changmin didn't win his argument against the coach, because he showed up in the gym with his pillow and blankets that night along with the rest of the team, looking stiff and extremely unhappy.

Yunho was already situated in the blankets next to Hojoon, but when Changmin came into the gym and chose a deserted corner, Yunho gathered up his things and placed himself next to Changmin. "Are you all right?" he asked quietly.

Changmin nodded curtly. "I'm fine. Go to sleep."

Yunho watched Changmin reluctantly slip under the blankets and shift uncomfortably, but then Yunho was so exhausted from his day of training that he fell asleep nearly as soon as he closed his eyes, regardless of the fact that he was on the floor.


	20. Chapter 20

Yunho awoke to the sound of a gasp and a short yell.

He frowned, vaguely aware through his closed eyes that it was still dark. He attempted to roll over from his side onto his back, and he was immediately aware of his sore back and muscles, and the fact that he was so, so uncomfortable. He opened his eyes and saw that a few of his teammates were stirring too.

He slowly turned onto his back – he was pretty sure the side of his hip was bruised from being slept on – and that was when he realized that the athlete beside him was letting out ragged breaths and swallowing as if to force something down.

Yunho turned his gaze towards Changmin, who was sitting up, and clutching at his chest. Even in the faint light of the moonlight shining through, Yunho could see that Changmin was soaked in sweat. Yunho shifted a bit and made to sit up in concern, but Changmin stood up on his shaky legs before Yunho could do anything, and rushed out of the gym.

The door fell closed, and there were a few groans of annoyance in the gym from his teammates – none of which Changmin was there to hear anyway, which Yunho was a bit grateful for. Yunho sat up too, and blinking his sleepiness away, he gingerly got up too and followed Changmin out of the gym, taking care to close the door as quietly as he could as not to disturb his sleeping teammates.

Yunho stopped just outside of the basketball gym and looked around, squinting to let his eyes adjust to the bright fluorescent lights of the hallway.

Changmin had already gone, and Yunho just stood there blankly and groggily, trying to figure out where Changmin might be.

Yunho started walking aimlessly through the deserted halls, rubbing her face.

Then, he heard a clunk.

Yunho, immediately more awake, took a few seconds to decide where the sound had come from, and then turned a corner. And when he did, he heard soft footsteps, too, then the sound of a heavy door opening and closing. Yunho followed the footsteps along the hallway, passed a couple of vending machines, and figured that Changmin had gone through the exit that led outside.

Yunho quickened his footsteps now, jogging slightly, and then he stepped outside too.

It was almost spring, but it was still pretty cold at night; Yunho winced a bit at the sharp winds before looking around for Changmin, who had just sat down on a bench nearby and concentrating only on something that was in his hands, so much so that he wasn't even aware of Yunho approaching him.

When Changmin raised his head, Yunho saw a face of shining with tears, and his heart dropped – but then, Changmin lifted his hand, and brought a stupid _chocolate bar_ to his mouth and took a large bite.

Despite everything and perhaps in relief, Yunho let out a soft chuckle.

Changmin heard the chuckle, and jumped. He looked up, and he looked as shocked as ever to see Yunho.

"What are you –"

"Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you." Yunho held back the urge to say, _I know how much you hate it when I do that_ , remembering the time when they both fell into the pool together, but there was this distance between them now, and he couldn't bring himself to say it.

Changmin grunted and turned his attention back to his chocolate bar. He chewed slowly and swallowed. Yunho stood there awkwardly for a while, still not quite sure what he'd done to deserve this awful silent treatment from him, and then he decided to approach him and sit next to him.

"Back to your chocolate bars? You haven't eaten them in a while."

Changmin took one look at Yunho with his watery eyes, wiped his face of his tears, and just took another bite of his chocolate bar without looking at Yunho.

Yunho swallowed down how hurt he felt and tried to make conversation again. Well, at least Changmin wasn't getting up and leaving.

"Couldn't sleep?" asked Yunho.

"No," said Changmin curtly and decisively.

"Yeah. It's different," said Yunho without thinking. "It's kind of like camp."

Changmin glared at him.

"No, it's not. It's kind of like the shit basement floors of those shit foster homes," he spat.

Yunho flushed.

"Sorry."

Changmin sighed in clear distress and tilted his head back. "God, it's been fucking _years_. I need to get the fuck over it."

He paused.

"But then I'm like, how am I supposed to get over _that_? How am I supposed to get over everything that happened to me?"

Yunho didn't know what to say and just stayed silent, but then Changmin turned and looked at Yunho, looking very angry at himself.

"And why am I even saying this to you? I'm so –"

"Because we're friends!" said Yunho incredulously. "That's what friends are for, we listen to each other and support each other!"

Changmin positively scoffed.

"Okay, that's very sweet and everything, but what are you going to do when I'm no longer welcome in your life? I'm not going to let myself be so – so fucking – _vulnerable_ to you when –"

"What do you mean? You're always going to be welcome –"

"I'm _not_ always going to be welcome in your life!" exploded Changmin. "How in the world could I expect you to take care of me for the rest of my life? How? It's completely unreasonable! We were only friends because we _happened_ to be on the same team and we _happened_ to be roommates! You think we're still going to be friends when we're not on the same team anymore and we're not roommates anymore?"

Yunho just stared at Changmin, speechless. _How_ could Changmin think that way?

"Changmin, you're always, _always_ going to be welcome in my life, I promise –"

"You know how many foster parents told me that? That I'm welcome in their lives? How many do you think I was able to keep in touch with? Zero, hyung. _Zero_."

He glared at Yunho.

"You're not going to be any different. One day, you're going to go to college, and I'm going to do whatever the fuck I'm going to end up doing, and we're not going to see each other, and we're never going to talk to each other anymore. It's as simple as that."

Changmin shook his head.

"I don't know why I fed myself those fantasies for the past year. I was so _stupid_."

Changmin shoved the rest of the chocolate bar into his mouth, and chewed angrily.

Yunho watched him quietly for a second, and then he reached out for Changmin's hand and held it.

"I know there's nothing I could say to make you believe me when I say I won't be like them," said Yunho quietly. "But I wish you would. _Could_. I wish you _could_ believe me."

Changmin pulled his hand out of Yunho's.

"But I can't," said Changmin coldly.

Yunho looked at Changmin. "If you can't believe me, then I wish you would let us take care of each other while we _are_ together. And then afterwards, you can put me to the test."

There was a short pause.

"Why would I put myself through that?" said Changmin quietly. "Why would I put _you_ through that?"

Changmin looked into Yunho's eyes for the first time in weeks.

"Listen. As a decent human being – or, I hope I'm one anyway – I can't expect you to welcome me in your life for the rest of your life. That's just… ridiculous. I'm grateful that I got to know you, but I'm not actually your family."

"Mom told you," said Yunho. "We told you to think of us as family."

"But I'm _not_ , hyung. No matter how hard we want to pretend, we're not family."

"Fine, if you insist," said Yunho with a sigh. "But Mom's worried sick about you, and she's asking me about you every day."

Changmin looked away again.

He said nothing for a long time, then he sighed. "Anyway. You should go back to sleep. Your meet's coming up soon."

Yunho narrowed his eyes. "Oh, so you know," said Yunho. "You do know that I'm competing after all."

Yunho was just teasing, and was fully expecting Changmin to say something witty, but –

"Whatever."

Changmin rolled his eyes, and Yunho crossed his arms and pouted. "Stop being a dick."

Changmin spun around faster than Yunho ever imagined him, and faced Yunho. "What?"

"Don't be a dick," complained Yunho.

But Changmin wasn't angry – or hurt. He didn't even look defensive. He was – confused…?

"I don't get it," declared Changmin.

"What don't you get?"

"Why you think I'm a dick."

"Uh, because you've been giving me the silent treatment for the past three weeks? And I did nothing wrong?" said Yunho, stating the obvious.

"So?" said Changmin.

"What? What do you mean, 'so'?"

Now they were both confused – but then it was like a lightbulb went off in Changmin's head. His mouth dropped slightly open, and he tilted his head to the side a bit. And then he looked at Yunho in the eye.

"I've been really mean to you," said Changmin, looking like he finally understood something.

"Um, kind of, yeah. You were a dick," repeated Yunho. Changmin looked like he was speechless, and Yunho crossed his arms. "What?"

"Like… why – I mean, like – I didn't think you'd care."

Yunho jumped. " _What_?"

"Like – I don't get, like – " Changmin stuttered. "Like, why would you care what I think?"

"What? How could I not care?" yelped Yunho.

"Because I'm _nothing_. Who cares if _nothing_ is here or there or _not_ here?"

Yunho's mouth fell slightly open. " _Is that what you think about yourself?_ "

"You have friends, family – you have everything you need, you don't need me, I – I don't have anything to give you."

"I don't need anything from you," said Yunho. "Just for you to be there when I need it, like I would be –"

"I'm a – a _parasite_! Why aren't you happy that I'm –"

"You're not any of that! Stop it," ordered Yunho, shaking his head in disbelief. "Shim Changmin, I can't believe you'd think that way about yourself."

"But that's what I really am," said Changmin with watery eyes. "It's what I've been my whole life, and it's what I'm going to be for the rest of my life. I don't have anything to give anyone."

"Changmin, I've never thought of you like –"

"And _you_ ," said Changmin, almost accusatory and angrily, "I have no idea what to do with you, because I have no idea why you care about me. I have nothing – I have _nothing_ to give you, and I'm just a burden to you, and you still care about me, and I don't – I just don't understand –"

"How can you say you have nothing to give me?" said Yunho quietly. Changmin stopped talking and looked at Yunho. "If it weren't for you, I would have quit swimming ages ago."

Yunho reached over and put his hand over Changmin's. "If I do anything in swimming, it will be all thanks to you. Whatever I achieve from here on in – whether it's a medal from the Friendlies meet or a medal from the Olympics – it will all be yours as much as mine."

Yunho hadn't convinced Changmin – he knew it.

But maybe, in time, he could.

They sat in silence for a bit longer, then Yunho stood up.

"Anyway. Let's go back to sleep. Like you said, we need to be awake for tomorrow."

Changmin nodded and stood up reluctantly too. They walked to the door back into the building slowly and wordlessly, until Yunho reached for the door handle, and then Changmin tapped him on the elbow. When Yunho turned to him again, Changmin was looking at his feet.

"I'm really sorry," said Changmin quietly.

Perhaps what he was feeling was relief – relief that Changmin didn't hate him after all. But whatever this emotion was, Yunho couldn't help but give his roommate the biggest hug he's ever given in his life.


	21. Chapter 21

Over the next few weeks, Yunho and Changmin's relationship healed much quicker than Yunho might have expected, with each of the two of them making the small steps each day to get close to one another again. It didn't have to be a lot – just Changmin poking Yunho awake again in the mornings, and Yunho finding Changmin at dinner and sitting with him.

Yunho put in the extra two hours every day as not to lose his place on the National Team, but honestly, he wondered whether his coach checked – or even remembered that he'd assigned the work to him. He wasn't sure, because he was sure that there were days when his heart rate dipped below 190 within the two hours that he was supposed to be working out, but he didn't comment about it the next day.

His coach had taken to ignoring Yunho now, during practice or otherwise. It was ridiculous, really – Yunho had a meet coming up, but he was training exactly the same things as everyone else. They were just working on strength and endurance and technique, but not actually putting all of it together for a race. Yunho was nervous about that, but on the other hand, he was also too scared to ask his coach for more help, because he was on the brink of burnout as it was, and wouldn't be take his coach pushing him as hard as he had before winter break.

Yunho wasn't as ready as he could have been for Germany, which was a strange feeling – of course, in the past, he had known before certain competitions that he wasn't at the peak of his season – but he had never felt like he was _not ready_.

When he confessed that to his roommate as he was packing the night before he flew out for the meet, Changmin didn't look concerned.

"You're going to kill it," Changmin said, rolling over on his bed. "I don't know why you're not seeing it, but you're really close to where you were before that crazy woman tried to poison you."

"I'm not," said Yunho, shaking his head. "I still feel out of breath and sore, and my muscle mass just isn't the same, and –"

"I think the only thing that's not the same is your confidence," said Changmin pointedly. "I don't know if you've been bothering to check your times, but –"

"Coach hasn't had me time my sprint swims since we got back," muttered Yunho. Changmin ignored him.

"You're still clocking in your long-distance swims pretty much at the same time as your old records."

"But long distance and short distance races aren't the same."

"Do you want me to time you?" said Changmin.

Yunho hesitated. On one hand, he was curious; on the other hand, he was too scared to know. "Not really," said Yunho honestly. It wouldn't really matter what his times were at this point, really. He would swim his hardest anyway, and there was no time for Yunho to change anything.

Changmin shrugged. "Suit yourself. But to me, you're heads and shoulders above everyone else who's going – at least from our team. I mean, you are a world champion after all."

"It's not about the past, it's about now," said Yunho with a sigh. "I'm not better than them _now_."

"Oh, yes you are," said Changmin, looking right at Yunho. "Have you even seen –"

Changmin was interrupted by his phone ringing. He lazily picked up his phone, but then looked at the screen, froze for a second, looked at Yunho, then looked back at his phone and continued to let it ring.

"Why aren't you answering it?" asked Yunho suspiciously.

"Wh-What?" stammered Changmin. "I – I mean, I _will_ answer it."

Yunho raised one eyebrow, and Changmin sat up.

"It's not a big deal," muttered Changmin.

He then took a deep breath, cleared his throat, and answered the phone.

"Hello?"

Changmin's voice became smaller, as if to try to keep his conversation from his roommate, who was still able to hear everything anyway.

"Hi, yes, I know. Were you able to find anything? …Oh… yes. Um… okay. " He glanced at Yunho again. "Can I answer the questions later? …Okay. I will call you back tomorrow."

Yunho looked away, since it looked like Changmin wanted privacy, and was contemplating leaving the room, but Changmin hastily ended the call.

Changmin plopped back down on the bed and let out a breath.

"Oh my God. I thought I was going to have a heart attack."

"What was that?" asked Yunho.

Changmin hesitated.

"I wanted to tell you after you come back from your competition."

"Why?"

"I didn't want to distract you."

Changmin seemed like he was debating whether or not he wanted to tell Yunho, but he sighed.

"Well… okay. I hired a private investigator to help me find my parents."

Yunho's mouth dropped open. " _What_?"

"All my life, I've always tried to be okay with the fact that other people have families," said Changmin defensively. "Because all my life, I thought, I'll find a family too. Either I'll find my real ones, or I'll get adopted, or _something_. But now that I'm where I am, I'm getting really freaking jealous, and I want to find my parents, no matter what it takes. Don't judge me."

"Why would I judge you?" said Yunho hastily. "I just didn't expect that. I thought you were having your social worker help you with that."

"She can only do so much," said Changmin, shaking his head. "She couldn't find them. I just want to do it as soon as I can."

"Why are you in such a hurry?" asked Yunho.

"Because I'm turning 18 in a few months, and I still don't have it sorted out," said Changmin.

"Age is just a number," said Yunho automatically.

"You don't get it. It's a very important number that actually means a lot," sighed Changmin. "It means I'll have no more support from the system, because I won't be a child anymore. It means I won't be able to go into a group home for children anymore, and it means that I have no chance at adoption anymore. Not just that, but the social support, the financial support – all of it ends. And then I'm really, for real, carved into stone, on my own."

Changmin shrugged.

"Anyway, I only hired him last week. I thought he was calling to tell me that he found them, but he just had more questions for me."

"How long do you think –"

"It's probably going to take a pretty long time. It's also not important right now. Focus on your meet," said Changmin. "I will update you if anything changes."

Yunho nodded and continued to pack. After he finished, he climbed onto his bed and spoke.

"Hey," said Yunho cautiously. "If you don't… you know. If it doesn't work out…"

Changmin looked at Yunho. "For who? You or me?"

Yunho winced a bit. "For you."

Changmin was the one to wince now. "Yeah?"

"Don't get too upset about it. Like I said. You'll still have me. No matter what happens, even if you find your parents or not, we want you home for the holidays, and we want you to let us know if you ever need anything. Although, I know it's easier said than done."

Yunho had expected Changmin to roll his eyes and dismiss him, but instead, Changmin looked thoughtful. He then nodded, and smiled.

"I appreciate that."

Yunho smiled back shyly and turned back to his things, but then Changmin spoke again.

"By the way, make sure you sweep all the wins, okay?" said Changmin. "I really, really want to go to the Olympics with you."

Yunho stared.

"That's the first time you ever said you wanted to go to the Olympics."

" _With you_ ," emphasized Changmin. "I want to go to the Olympics with you."

Yunho couldn't help but smile.

 

 

The team that was travelling to Germany wasn't in the highest spirits – they all knew that they were B-listers, after all, and the competition was very low stakes for everyone else besides Yunho.

Soonil was there, which was pretty devastating for the veteran National Team member, since it was like the selection committee telling him that he didn't have a chance at the Olympics anymore – but Soonil was still very young, being only Changmin's age. Yunho had no doubt that Soonil had a good chance for the next quad.

Everyone was downcast for the entire flight there, barely even speaking to each other. To make matters worse, their main coach wasn't even travelling with them. It was obvious that no one was excited to spend four days in Germany.

Yunho was stretching in the warm-up gym that was provided for them when Soonil came to Yunho's side and tapped him on this arm.

"Look," muttered Soonil. "It's Brandt."

Yunho's heart dropped. "What?"

Brandt was one of Germany's best swimmers, a seasoned veteran with not only multiple Worlds medals, but also an Olympic medal from the last quad. Yunho squinted at the German team that was coming into the gym, and saw the tall, muscular figure walk in.

Yunho looked away quickly.

"Well, you're here," grunted Soonil. "So they brought one of their A-listers too."

Soonil walked away to start stretching too, and Yunho felt a wall of nervousness and anxiety.

Yunho felt himself starting to sweat, breathe faster, his chest closing in on himself, and he knew he needed to just get out of here right now –

He rushed to the exit, but on his way, he had to pass the German swimmer that was so, so out of his league, and to add to his discomfort, Brandt tapped him on the shoulder. Yunho had no choice but to  stop and look up him.

Yunho had rarely felt so, so small.

Brandt said something to Yunho that he didn't understand, and held out his hand with a smile. Yunho swallowed and reminded himself – _this is a_ Friendlies _meet_ – _even though it may actually dictate the end of my Olympic chances._

Yunho took his hand and shook it. He hoped that his competitor didn't notice how sweaty his hands were.

Yunho rushed out of the gym and into the bathroom, and there, he locked himself into a stall. He felt his legs weaken, and he leaned against the wall.

_God. Why does everything have to be so hard?_

He closed his eyes and balled his hands into fists. His fingers were becoming numb, and he squeezed so hard that his hands were starting to shake.

Yunho's mind raced, grasping at straws, racking his brains for anything that may help him through this, and eventually, he recalled Changmin's voice from just a couple days prior.

_You're going to kill it. I don't know why you're not seeing it, but you're really close to where you were before._

Yunho swallowed. He had brushed Changmin off at the time, and Changmin had no doubt made the comment offhand, but Yunho clung on. He clung on, because it was the only thing he had.

"I'm going to kill it," he whispered aloud. "I'm really close to where I was before."

Changmin had never lied to him, and Changmin was an athlete that Yunho deeply respected. Yunho was training hard, and even if the coaches didn't recognize it, Changmin did. And for some reason, Changmin's opinion and recognition _mattered_. In fact, Yunho realized, it mattered deeply.

Yunho raised his head and opened his eyes again.

 _I can do this, I can do this, I can do this_.

Yunho took a deep breath.

"I can do this," he said out loud.

And this time, Yunho believed it.


	22. Chapter 22

This was not at all like a typical international competition that Yunho had gotten used to.

For one, there was the fact that there were no heats to qualify them for the finals that made it obvious, but also, there was hardly anyone in the stands watching.

But perhaps most importantly, he was sore; before a competition, he usually had about two weeks to taper his workouts, but he hadn't had the instruction to do that with this meet. He had been training hard right up until he flew to Germany, and the pain was so present that it was difficult to ignore.

The swinging was just a way for him to try to feel less stiff and less sore.

He shook out his legs and swung his arms some more, all while trying very hard not to look at the German star swimmer in the next lane. He shouldn't, because he knew his body held up just fine against the other swimmers – but they were much bigger than he was, and taller; that alone made them at that much more of an advantage. He needed to focus, and his competition was just distraction – nothing else.

Yunho was competing in just one freestyle event, the 200-metres, which had no heats; each country selected four of their swimmers to compete in each event. Because of that, the races were to take place over just one day.

It was uncommon for him to swim in just one event, and Yunho wasn't sure exactly why he wasn't chosen to compete in the other events, but he was trying not to think about that; it was hard enough already without going through the hundreds of possibilities in his head. They had flown him all the way to Germany to compete in this one race, and he had only one chance to prove himself.

Yunho took a deep breath.

This was his first competition since Nationals, when he had to drop out, and he rarely remembered being so nervous – he wasn't even this nervous at Worlds.

He stretched some more, he jogged on the spot some more, and he repeated the mantra over and over in his head: _I can do it, I can do it, I can do it._ And then, he was realizing, he was much, much too nervous for this swim, and he had to calm down.

No matter what, swimming was a psychological sport as any other, and he couldn't put his best foot forward in this state.

Yunho quickly and carelessly pulled on his warm-ups and found a chair to sit in until he would be asked to swim.

Yunho then sat still, and stared only at the diving block in front of him – the same one he'll be climbing on to in a few minutes, and as always before a competition, he pushed every thought out of his head – the swimmer in the next lane, his chances for the next Olympics, the aches and pains, and even his mantra of "I can do it"s – and filled his thoughts instead with all of the things he needed for the swim.

And really, there wasn't much to think about. He needed to focus on the dive, the technique on his strokes, the pacing. And then he would let his body do the rest.

He had completely cleared his head when he heard the announcement asking the athletes to get ready for the race, and he approached it.

He heard a "Let's go, Jung," and felt a clap on his shoulder, but he was too focused on the upcoming swim that he didn't even acknowledge it.

He stepped on top of the block. He put his goggles down, and pushed them into his eyes. He made one more swing of his arms, and one more kick of his legs, and then carefully placed his feet exactly where he wanted them to be.

It was like the whole pool was silent, except the words he was listening for – "on your marks" – which were loud and clear. He bent down, adjusted his feet, and looked forward into the spot that he knew he wanted to dive into – and then he put his head down and hooked his fingertips under the block.

And as soon as he heard the beep, he was off.

He dove exactly as he wanted, and his butterfly kicks were nice and strong and fast – and he came up to the surface just before the 15-metre mark. He started pulling himself forward with his arms at that point, pacing himself.

Within the first 25 metres, he caught a glimpse of the shadow on the bottom of the pool that the German swimmer was ahead of him by a bit, maybe by a quarter of a body length – and he momentarily wanted to kick harder and pull harder until he was ahead – but then he consciously stopped himself; he needed the gas for the rest of the swim.

He nailed the turn, and for the second half of the race, his mind was racing, he wanted to pull ahead, he had to give it everything he had –

Little by little, he pulled harder and kicked faster with the energy that he had saved up in the first part of the race. He knew he was catching up; just a little bit and he might even be able to overtake him – but he was running out of time and length… And then seeing the last 15-metre line approaching, he took one extra-large breath and kept his head down and pulled harder, pushing himself and pulling his arm around one last time –

 The very tip of his finger drove into the pad with conviction, and he knew he nailed it.

He gasped for a breath and lifted his head above the water, and for a few seconds, he had to focus on catching his breath.

And then he finally looked up at the board.

He could hardly believe his eyes.

Yunho really didn't expect the sob that escaped his breath, or the hot tears falling from his eyes almost immediately.

He was being ridiculous, really, so silly.

He felt a hand clap on his back, and he did everything he could to pull himself together before having to look up at his assistant coach, who had travelled with them to this meet.

"Nicely done," he said with a smile. "Good work."

The response from his assistant coach was so underwhelming and disproportionate to the amount of emotions that he was feeling, but he nodded and swallowed, and climbed out of the pool. His coach handed him a towel, and he covered his face with it to hide his tears before anything else.

When he let his face emerge from under the towel, his German competitor had smacked him on the shoulder.

"Good swim," said Brandt in English with a large smile, and Yunho couldn't help but wonder, _How are you not devastated right now? Or are you just acting_?

Or was it that he cared so little about this meet that he wasn't even trying?

Yunho swallowed. A pang of insecurity pierced through him, but he nodded. "You too," he replied, also in English.

He turned away pretty quickly – he did not have to torture himself right now – and he returned to his chair. He stumbled into the seat, and picked up his phone, hoping to distract himself from the emotions, when he saw that he had received a text.

 

_Did you kill it or did you kill it_

 

Yunho swallowed and typed a reply with shaking fingers.

 

_I killed it_

_Good_

 

Yunho breathed out, and was trying to think of what to say to that, when another reply arrived from Changmin.

 

_We're definitely going to the Olympics together_

 

Yunho couldn't hold back the next sob.

 

 

Yunho barely pulled himself together for the shabby little medal ceremony, in which he received his medal in a smattering of applause before being ushered off quickly to make way for the next set of medal recipients. The team were bussed back to their hotel immediately afterwards, and when he was in his hotel room, he had to lie down and take some deep breaths to calm himself down. He'd texted his parents too, to tell them that he'd won his event, but even his parents didn't understand how significant that had been for him, just telling him congratulations before sending him a picture of the zucchini that they'd been growing in their backyard.

"Did you want to go out sightseeing before the banquet?" asked Soonil with a sigh.

Soonil had won silver in his 100-metre breaststroke event – he was almost certainly off the Olympic team at this point.

They were in Germany after all, but Yunho shook his head. "Go ahead without me."

Yunho didn't even want to go to the banquet, never mind go out to explore.

Soonil shrugged and left the room, finally leaving Yunho alone in it.

Yunho texted Changmin again, just to ask him how his training went that day, but Changmin didn't reply. He was probably already in bed, with the time difference and all.

Yunho sighed and closed his eyes. And maybe it was the fact that he had been so tense for the whole day, or because he was jetlagged – but he fell asleep almost right away.

 

 

Yunho woke up when Soonil returned from his trip, just in time to get suited up for the banquet. Soonil was in better spirits and showed Yunho pictures the food he had in town, and then urged Yunho to be dressed. Yunho complied, but only very reluctantly, then let Soonil herd him into the bus.

Yunho used to be the life of every party, but why was he tired today? He was just sitting alone at a table, sipping on his wine and picking at the snacks. He texted Changmin, but he didn't reply; he was probably sleeping in, since it was Sunday.

Yunho really kind of couldn't wait to go back to his dorm in Korea and sleep.

He was reaching for a potato chip when he realized that someone had come to him to take the seat next to him. He looked up and saw that it was Brandt, smiling widely and clapping Yunho on his shoulder. Yunho forced out a smile, but held back a sigh.

God, he didn't feel like expending his energy talking in English to this guy.

 Brandt said something – Yunho didn't even catch what language it was – and gave Yunho another friendly smack on his shoulder, to which Yunho shook his head.

"I don't know what you're saying," said Yunho in Korean.

Brandt smiled, then spoke in very slow and clear English. "You are very fast."

Yunho got that.

"Thank you," he replied back in English.

"Next time I see you, Olympics."

Yunho chuckled. "Maybe." Maybe. Maybe I'll see you there.

"I will be faster at the Olympics."

Yunho shrugged. "That's nice, but you think I'll just be sitting there not training and not getting faster?" he asked in Korean.

Brandt looked confused, but didn't reply or ask Yunho to repeat himself. He then spoke again. "How do you train?"

Yunho raised an eyebrow.

"What?"

Brandt pulled out a pen from his pocket and handed it to Yunho. Yunho just stared at him blankly, and Brandt pointed to Yunho's paper napkin.

"You. Training. Schedule."

Then it clicked.

Brandt wanted to know what Yunho's days looked like. He wanted to know how Yunho trained.

Yunho couldn't stop himself from laughing a bit.

"Secret," said Yunho jokingly.

Brandt made a face and took another drink of his wine.

"I'm just kidding. It's not a secret," said Yunho in Korean, and he filled in the small napkin with what he did throughout the day. He just the normal things – the morning runs, the morning and afternoon swims, the weight training, the technique sessions.

He gave it to Brandt after he finished, and Brandt took it to look at. His eyes widened as he read.

"No time for anything else," said Brandt.

"I don't train on Sundays," clarified Yunho.

Brandt frowned, nodded, and folded up the napkin and carefully placed it in the inside pocket of his jacket. He looked pensive, but he looked at Yunho and smiled again. "Nice talking to you. Have a good night."

"You too," said Yunho.

Brandt got up and integrated back into the crowd.

Yunho reached for another potato chip.


	23. Chapter 23

Yunho more or less stumbled into his dorm back at the Athlete's Village, groggy from the jetlag, and really sincerely having missed his own bed.

He saw Changmin in the room when he went inside, and as soon as he saw him, Yunho opened his arms to embrace Changmin in a hug.

"Missed you," declared Yunho. Changmin fell into the hug too.

"Missed you too. So glad you won your meet," said Changmin proudly, then he released Yunho. "I told you you'd win. You didn't believe me."

"I just hope this means I might actually make it to the Olympics."

"It does. You've been back to yourself physically weeks and weeks ago. It's just up here," he said, tapping his head. "But anyway. Don't you worry. We're going to the Olympics together."

Yunho was sure that that was becoming his favourite thing to hear.

"I missed you a lot," sighed Changmin happily.

"So why didn't you answer my texts?" accused Yunho.

Changmin pouted. "I'm sorry. I was training, then I was talking to the private investigator, who thought he had some leads. But then I got caught up on the gossip."

"What gossip?"

Changmin's eyes grew round.

"What? _Didn't you hear_?"

"Hear what?" said Yunho, a bit curious but at the same time, not sure whether he could match Changmin's bubbling energy.

"What the short track speed skating team did!"

"No. What did they do?"

"They outed their coaches," said Changmin seriously.

Yunho raised his eyebrow.

"For what?"

"For _assault_ , what else!" said Changmin incredulously, as if he didn't understand how it was possible that Yunho was even asking that question. "They said that their coach hits them, and that they won't put up with it anymore. They also said the senior athletes also bully their junior athletes, and they're pressing charges and they're giving press interviews about it!"

Yunho gaped. " _What_?"

"Right? It's amazing of them, I'm so happy for them!"

"So what's happening to them?"

"Overhaul," said Changmin matter-of-factly. "The athletes are training on their own while they overhaul the coaching staff, the other accused athletes go for investigations, and the – whatever their equivalent of the KSF is – their board members are being pressured to resign, because apparently they'd been reported before and they turned a blind eye."

Yunho's mouth dropped open. "What? That's –"

"Did any of us ever even bring it up with _our_ Federation? Hyung, why aren't we doing the same?"

Yunho shook his head. "But I mean – I just don't understand – like, why did they do that?"

"Hyung."

"I have to think," said Yunho, finally dropping his bag. He sat down on his bed and rubbed his temples with his fingers.

How did they manage this? And why did they suddenly do this? Yunho's seen the baseball team and the rowing team in similar situations, so he knew it wasn't confined to their sport. So what made the short track team so special that they decided to out their coaches?

"Hyung. We can –"

"But, like –" Yunho struggled with his words. "We only have like, 5 months left of this. You're gonna retire too after the Olympics, aren't you?"

"I mean, probably, but the point is, it doesn't matter if we have 5 years left or 5 days left on this team. What's wrong is wrong, and we deserve to be treated like –"

"But the thing is…" Yunho hesitated, because he was sure that Changmin was going to disagree with him. "What if it makes us slower?"

Changmin's reaction was predictable. " _What? Hyung!_ "

"I know, I know," said Yunho hastily.

"Hyung, look at me and tell me that your actual desire to get gold at the Olympics is not enough to push you to be your best and you need someone to fucking beat you like a dog instead."

Yunho winced a bit at the harsh words.

"I know, the end doesn't justify the means, but it's not just the actual – the actual _act_ , right, it's also like, the skating team is going to lose a ton of time off training."

"That's not what you meant," said Changmin pointedly. "But anyway, even so."

"The short track speed skating team doesn't have Olympics coming up in 5 months," said Yunho.

"No," admitted Changmin. "But like I said. It doesn't really matter to me."

"But also, you know – the short track speed skating team is much more successful than we are," said Yunho, and as much as it hurt his pride, both Yunho and Changmin knew that was true. "They win like… a _lot_ of golds every Olympics. People listen to them, they have fans. We're different."

"The fact that we're not as successful as them doesn't mean that we're any less human," shot back Changmin.

"I know, I know," sighed Yunho. "What are the other guys saying?"

"I don't know," said Changmin. "I don't really talk to the rest of them."

"Oh," said Yunho. "Right." He almost forgot.

Yunho scratched the top of his head. He really doubted that any of the other guys would care enough to report their coaches.

Maybe the skating team's coaches were especially bad about it – or maybe there were a bunch of Changmins on their team.

Yunho got changed, washed up, and laid in bed, and Changmin turned out the lights for them both. A bit later, he spoke frankly and directly.

"We should do the same."

Yunho hesitated. "Changmin…"

"We should do what they did, and we should do it sooner rather than later."

"Changmin, we at _least_ have to wait until after this Olympic cycle is over," said Yunho.

"But –"

"Changmin, no," said Yunho firmly. "I reckon our coaches will be a bit more careful for the next few months after this anyway. They know they're not invincible now. I'll bet you anything they'll stop messing with us. It won't be too late to think about later."

Changmin whined, and Yunho sat up.

"Changmin. It's not just for you. It's for the team. Let's not stir the pot right now and put our best foot forward for the Olympics."

"Mm," said Changmin.

"Please," begged Yunho.

" _Okay_ , _okay_ ," said Changmin, clearly still unhappy, but Yunho was satisfied.

 

 

In the next few weeks, several other teams had outed their coaches, including the male judo team and both ice hockey teams. And a few weeks later, the female gymnastics team outed their own coaches and staff for sexual abuse, which blew up into a scandal that crumbled that entire team and federation into bits. Yunho couldn't say that he was surprised that the support around them hadn't been stronger. And of course, Yunho felt vindicated for the girls and it was a good thing that they did what they did, he was also really heartbroken for them that they wouldn't have proper support at the upcoming Olympics.

Each time a team came forward, Changmin didn't even bother pretending he didn't want to out the next. Yunho coaxed and coaxed and coaxed each time, because he didn't want the Federation to crumble before the Olympics.

"You can do it, and I will even help you," Yunho begged each time, "just after the Olympics."

If it was any consolation for Changmin, Yunho's predictions were correct and their coaches had stopped hitting them since this whole thing began, which, Yunho supposed, was the goal for Changmin anyway.

Yunho was still doing his extra training after nights, only because he never got the instruction to stop, but he was, he really was, getting used to it now. It wasn't nearly as hard as it was in the first few weeks, and although it still strained him, Yunho wasn't completely exhausted at the end of every night. It was an extra treat on the nights that Changmin decided to run with him to keep him company, and on those nights, shockingly, Yunho found that he actually enjoyed himself doing those extra workouts.

And perhaps Yunho was being rewarded for his hard work, because Yunho was chosen as one of the 20 swimmers who would compete at Trials. Perhaps Yunho was becoming cocky, or perhaps just more confident – but he found that while he was relieved, he wasn't surprised. Changmin was chosen as well, and Changmin was relieved too, for the reason that he chose to compete at Classics earlier in the year. But as Yunho saw it, it would have been impossible to leave Changmin out of Trials and be able to justify it. Changmin was by far the most successful swimmer of the year, and the media was all over him, too.

A couple weeks out until Trials, and the Olympic Team was starting to become clearer, and Yunho was starting to find, he was one of the ones in the clear too. His confidence was building again, and he was now beginning to see it; he was clearly out-swimming all of his teammates except Changmin, and although maybe he wasn't where he had originally wanted to be before the accident, but it was time that he finally acknowledged himself for the progress that he made.

And seeing the progress he'd made there in front of him, having his swims being timed and seeing that he was clocking in pretty much at the same pace as his previous self, and seeing that he can still do this, Yunho found that he had more days when he was positive than not.

"I really think we'll go to the Olympics together," said Changmin one night, looking more excited and elated than Yunho had ever seen him before. "And I really, really think we both have a really good chance of medaling there. "

"Don't jinx it," warned Yunho, although he didn't mind hearing that, at all. "one step at a time. Let's try to do well at Trials."

Changmin nodded seriously, but then grinned.

"I can't believe it actually became a thing for me," said Changmin. "I actually really, really want to go to the Olympics. I can't believe it."

Yunho laughed. "Me neither, honestly."

"Look what you've done to me." Changmin plopped down on his bed with a smile and breathed, "It's gonna be _awesome_."

And for some reason that he didn't understand, Yunho was so, so, so proud of him.


	24. Chapter 24

None of the athletes were permitted to taper their workouts for Trials; indeed, they were, theoretically, all of them, training to peak for the Olympics.

Every swimmer swam his hardest at Trials. It was going to be the biggest national meet of the year, as it was replacing this year's Nationals, and there was actually a crowd, and Yunho's parents had come to cheer him on, as did the parents of every other athlete on the team. Except, of course, Changmin's.

There was designated time for their family to see them before the meet, and while Changmin hung back at first, Yunho's mother was so enthusiastic to hug Changmin and wish him luck that Changmin didn't look out of place in the slightest. They left two hours before the meet started, to give the athletes enough time to stretch and warm up before the meet.

"Are you nervous?" asked Changmin as they stretched together in the warm-up gym.

Yunho shook his head. "Not really."

Yunho probably should have been nervous for this meet – but somehow, he found that he wasn't. He didn't understand why, but it was as if the Friendlies were _his_ Trials. For some reason that he couldn't quite understand, the true Olympic Trials represented nothing more to him than showing his parents sitting in the stands and the people who were watching on their TVs what he could do.

"How about you?" asked Yunho, grunting through the particularly sore stretch through his shoulder.

"Mm… I don't think what I feel is nervousness," replied Changmin uncertainly. He looked up at Yunho. "But I feel tingly and antsy. And I just hope that we both have a strong showing here."

"Me too," agreed Yunho. He winked. "We'll see who gets to compete in those freestyle events."

Changmin laughed. "Maybe they'll send both of us for freestyle, who knows. It's two per country after all."

Yunho competed broadly in the Trials, with the goal of narrowing down to specific events after this meet to focus on the three or four distances that he had the best chance at winning. With Changmin having specialized in the freestyle and butterfly events, Yunho was fairly certain that it would be the backstroke and individual medley events – and perhaps one of the freestyle distances. It made sense this way, with Son Hojun, Yunho's good friend and their national breaststroke specialist, taking on that event on his own.

"I don't know. They'll probably have me focus on backstroke after Trials," guessed Yunho. Indeed, what would be the point of covering freestyle doubly well when they should be hoping to do cover all the grounds?

"Freestyle always gets more media coverage though," said Changmin. "I still think they might send us both for freestyle."

"Let's not count our chickens before they hatch," said Yunho hastily but still carefully.

Changmin smiled and squeezed Yunho's arm. "But sometimes… you just know they're going to hatch. Just like I know that we're going to be amazing today."

 

 

Yunho had to admit, Changmin was right about the meet.

Shockingly – or not – Changmin and Yunho completely swept the entire trials. Yunho won gold in the 200-m freestyle, and the team's long-distance specialist, Yoo Yeonseok, won the 1500-m freestyle with Yunho and Changmin trailing in second and third place respectively. Perhaps as was completely predictable, Changmin swept all golds in all of the other freestyle events, as well as all of the butterfly events, beating the national record on three of the events in the process. Yunho picked up all the golds in the backstroke and individual medley events, where Changmin hadn't competed. Yunho's good friend and veteran breaststroke specialist to the team, Hojun, won all of the golds in the breaststroke events.

As worried as they both were for this meet, and although the team wasn't named immediately after Trials as was traditional, it would have been absurd for either Yunho or Changmin to have been left off the team.

Yunho wasn't so worried anymore – he had done more than enough to prove himself of worthy of being at the Olympics this year, and he knew it. However, it was Changmin who was more nervous.

"How are you nervous? Seriously. How?" asked Yunho over dinner in their room one night.

"I don't know," said Changmin with a sigh.

"There's no way they'll leave either of us off the team now. I mean, we've been doing well in training, no one choked unexpectedly at Trials – I mean, Minho did, but he's never been a consistent swimmer, and he'll never be one. He's the kind of swimmer they were trying to filter out by changing the system, right?"

"Theoretically," agreed Changmin halfheartedly.

"I mean – like, if he did really well, right, and did better than… let's say, _you_ , for instance – the point would have been that they still would take you, not him."

Changmin snorted. "You really think they would have taken me if he did better at Trials?"

"I mean – yes," replied Yunho.

Changmin sighed and smiled. "You're so naïve. Seriously. I can't believe you've been in this hellhole for so many years, and you still managed to stay so innocent."

"You're so cynical," complained Yunho, shaking his head. "Just you wait. We're both going to be on that team."

"I've just been screwed over a lot of times when it comes to stuff like this, I'm just – hoping that it won't happen this time," said Changmin darkly.

"You've done everything you can already, and there are no more opportunities for us to even show anything at this point," dismissed Yunho. "You killed everything. We both did."

Changmin nodded, albeit slowly.

 

 

It was a bit strange for Yunho.

He'd imagined the moment when the Olympic Team would be named so, so many times in his life that there was no way he could even begin to count it. He mostly imagined himself so very, very anxious until the very moment when he would be named, at which time he would hear the name and grab whoever happened to be next to him – a teammate or his family – hugging them tight, and shedding tears of joy.

The reality was, it was exactly like any other meet he'd ever been chosen for.

He was indeed more nervous than usual; however, if he was to nitpick at his emotions, his eyes welled up because he was so proud of himself, not because he was too happy. His other teammates who weren't chosen were watching with their heads down and shedding their own tears – this day would mark the day that they went home until the Olympics were over, so that the Olympic Team had the full attention of their coaches and full access to the pool and the equipment. So there was no hugging or celebrating on the spot besides Yunho and Changmin looking at each other as soon as both of their names were called to exchange a smile of relief.

As expected, Yeonseok and Hojun were the other members on the team. Choi Siwon, who was one of their B-listers and one of their teammates that went to the Friendlies with Yunho and came away with no medals, was the alternate.

"I told you," gasped Yunho, trying to hold back tears, as soon as Yunho and Changmin were in the privacy of their rooms again, after having consoled their crying teammates. "God, I have to call our parents, oh my God. I'm still shaking."

Changmin let out a long, unsteady breath.

However, the next words he said weren't the ones Yunho would have imagined, ever, in a million years.

"What a ridiculous choice," said Changmin slowly.

" _What_?" Yunho put his phone down. "What is?"

"Choi Siwon," replied Changmin flatly. "That he became the alternate."

Yunho looked at Changmin in disbelief. "Are you serious? Are you seriously questioning their choice on the _alternate_? Right now? Like, right _now_? When you were just told that you are going to the freaking Olympics? Shim Changmin."

Changmin wasn't satisfied. "Why did they choose him? It doesn't make any sense."

"He's the alternate. Who cares?"

" _He doesn't deserve that spot_. He was fifteenth at Trials. He's never been to a Worlds. He's got _nothing_ on his resume."

"He's an alternate. So just don't get hurt," said Yunho.

Changmin grunted. "Even Soonil swims better than he does. There's a reason why he got that spot, and I think it has nothing to do with his swimming."

"Yeah, well, he's also the son of some kind of rich CEO."

Changmin almost positively jumped. " _What_?"

"You didn't know?" asked Yunho. "That's why he drives a Ferrari and has all the fancy – well, everything."

Changmin buried his face into his hands.

"Oh my god," said Changmin with his eyes closed. "I wish I'd known."

"Look, Changmin – it really, really doesn't matter," pleaded Yunho. "We're supposed to be super, super happy right now. I've dreamt about this moment since I was, like, seven. Please. Let's just be happy. I need to call my parents."

Changmin let out a breath and nodded. "You're right," he said. He shook his head. "I think I'm… yes. You're right. I'm overthinking. I always do. Don't mind me."

Yunho picked up his phone again. He started to dial, then he put his phone down again.

"Hey… Changmin."

Changmin looked up.

"We're actually going to the Olympics together."

Changmin finally smiled.


	25. Chapter 25

With just two and a half months to go until the Olympics, the training got a lot tougher and much more intense. There was much more attention on each of the athletes now, the team having gone from 30-odd to just four.

Five, actually, including Siwon.

Changmin was pretty cold to Siwon, really, ignoring him for the most part and only saying the words that he absolutely needed to. Most of the time, it was to tell him to get out of the way.

Yunho tried to call Changmin out on it one night, but the response that he got from Changmin was so decidedly visceral: "What's ridiculous is ridiculous and there is no way that I will ever pretend it's okay," he'd said before turning to Yunho with the most vicious, angriest-looking face Yunho had ever seen Changmin sport. "And how about Hojun? Does he come from a family of CEOs too?"

"What? Why would you - Changmin, he more than deserves his spot on the team."

"Oh, but then why is he the team captain?" demanded Changmin, lasers shooting out of his eyes. "Does _he_ have a Worlds medal? Has he ever been on the podium at _any_ international competition?"

"Changmin, it's not about -"

"You are supposed to be the team captain," dismissed Changmin. "You're the only person on this team with a Worlds gold - actually, the only Korean swimmer with a Worlds gold in history - you are a legend - and it's actually _insulting_ that they haven't made you captain -"

"Changmin, calm down," chuckled Yunho. "It's not just about the swimming. It's about who can lead the team the best, and -"

"And to even _pretend_ that he might be a better leader than you -" the noise of disapproval that Changmin made was almost comical.

"Look, I've had a hard time this year, with just myself, there's no way I have it in me to lead anyone else," said Yunho. "I'm not upset about it, so why are you?"

"Uh - because I want to be led by someone I actually trust?" retorted Changmin.

"He's a veteran too. He's paid his dues."

"Who cares how long he's been on the team. You're a _legend_. It's actually ridiculous how poorly you're being treated for how amazing you are. And the most annoying part is, you don't even realize it."

Yunho didn't know why, but he found himself smiling.

 

 

The intensity of training got higher and higher, to the point that Yunho was shocked that their bodies were able to handle everything that was being asked of them.

Swimming had always been the most important part of Yunho's life, but now, he was completely and utterly consumed by it. They were being pushed to their absolute physical limits, and there was barely enough time in the day for them to finish their workouts. If they weren't eating or sleeping, they were training. At the same time, they started working with their team doctor, massage therapists, nutritionists, and physiotherapists much more closely.

The physical abuse may have stopped, but the verbal abuse continued with such severity that it hurt nearly as much.

The young, naïve, innocent Yunho from his Junior National Team days wouldn't even have questioned it; just would have believed everything they said and would have tried to please his coaches until it  (hopefully) stopped.

But it was different now. Some of it was that he was older, certainly, but next to him was Changmin, who, in words, for the first time for anyone around Yunho, identified it so clearly as abuse and denounced it just as clearly.

Even the harshest of words was supposed to motivate them, Yunho was sure – but he knew firsthand from experience that it didn't always work, because they were probably the reason why he felt so burnt out for most of the year. In fact, Yunho probably would have continued to swim for several more quads if he felt properly supported by his coaches and his Federation instead of having made up his mind to retire after his first Olympics.

It was that fact that made him work harder if anything, not the sharp words from his coaches.

This would be his first and last Olympics, and he wanted to have no regrets whatsoever. He never wanted to look back at this experience and think, _I could have worked harder_ or _I could have done better_.

Of course, it had been something that Yunho had always expected, but it wasn't so much for Changmin, so Changmin definitely found it tougher.

Nonetheless, Changmin was putting his all into training as well.

It was almost a miracle that Changmin was still here and gritting his teeth and sweating through it all. Changmin was just as committed to this as Yunho was.

Changmin did everything with Yunho – he ate, slept, and trained with him.

If there was one thing that he did daily that Yunho didn't do, it was that once every few days, he would speak on the phone with his private investigator to get updates.

"How's it going?" asked Yunho one night once Changmin got off the phone with the investigator just before bed.

"He's been telling me that he's really close for the past month," he sighed. "It's dragging so much. I really thought it might happen before the Olympics, but… I don't know. I kind of wanted my parents to be able to watch me at the Olympics and like… know that it's me, so I guess I'm a bit disappointed."

"Maybe it'll still happen," said Yunho, even though he knew that it was all just empty words.

"Maybe," agreed Changmin. "Gonna try to stay positive."

Yunho had nodded in encouragement.

 

 

Yunho had to be honest – he didn't understand Changmin's desperation to find his parents, not in the slightest; indeed, it wasn't Yunho who had longed for steady support and a place to call home all his life since he was a child.

And so, with just two weeks to go until they left for the Olympics and they had reached the peak of their training intensity, Yunho had almost completely forgotten about the whole thing, his headspace being so, so fully occupied by swimming and the Olympics.

He forgot that in Changmin's world, there were things that were more important to him than the Olympics.

So when Changmin answered his phone mindlessly in the middle of lunch in the cafeteria that day, wincing to even pick it up given how sore he was and managed a "Hello?" Yunho wasn't even paying attention and had turned back to trying to eat with his spoon without dropping it.

It wasn't until Changmin literally jumped up from his seat with a shocked, " _What_?" that he looked up at Changmin curiously.

"Okay, I'm sorry, hold on, let me just –" Yunho saw Changmin drop his phone on the table while he frantically dug through his gym bag for a crumpled piece of paper and a pen. When Changmin picked up the phone again, his hands were shaking violently, and when he spoke into it, his voice was shaking too. "Okay, I'm sorry, what was – can you repeat –"

Changmin listened intently, then started writing furiously. A few moments later, he put down his pen and lifted up his flushed face.

"Are you – Are you _sure_ it's them?"

 Changmin listened intently again for the next few seconds, then choked out into the phone, " _Thank you._ Thank you, thank you – I just – thank you."

Changmin put down his phone, and then he stopped and looked at Yunho in the eyes for a moment. There was a silence, as both of them processed what was happening and at least Yunho tried to figure out what to say. Then, without a single word, Changmin turned, grabbed his things, and ran out of the cafeteria, leaving his half-eaten tray behind.

Yunho didn't understand exactly what was happening, but that had to be the private investigator telling Changmin that he'd found his parents.

Yunho got up too, quickly slung his bag over his shoulder and ran after Changmin, who was already out of sight.

Yunho wasn't sure what he expected to see when he saw Changmin in their room, but he was pretty sure that he didn't expect Changmin to be packing his duffel bag, the same one he moved into the Village with, almost manically.

"What are you _doing_?" shouted Yunho. "Shim Changmin!"

"I'm going to live with my parents," Changmin said, not even looking at Yunho. "I'm finally going to –"

"Don't be ridiculous! Shim Changmin, you're going to stay and you're going to swim at the Ol –"

"Screw the Olympics, I don't give a fuck!" he shouted. "I found my _family_! You don't understand –"

"Wh – What?" stammered Yunho, taken aback. "You don't give a – Olym – What do you – Changmin, just think about –"

"The reason why I started swimming competitively in the first place was because I thought it would help me find my family!"

Yunho found himself panicking, becoming almost as frantic as Changmin, and he had to grab Changmin by the shoulders so that they were facing each other.

 "Stop," said Yunho. "Changmin, please, stop, just look at me for a second."

Changmin did; he stopped packing and looked at Yunho. The complete attention that Changmin gave him was a bit surprising, because Yunho knew, right now, to Changmin, every second was a second that would delay him from seeing his parents for the very first time in his life.

"Changmin, you can't just expect them to welcome you to live with them when you surprise them their door today," pleaded Yunho.

"What?" said Changmin, his voice shaking and his eyes perplexed. "Why – Why not? I'm – I'm supposed to be –"

"I know," cooed Yunho, patting his shoulder. "I know you're really excited, but just, it will be really surprising for them to see you. You have to take it slow."

"But – but I'm their son," said Changmin, looking truly like he didn't understand. "Why would they – like, I don't understand why –"

"You have to get to know each other before you move in. Give them a chance to be prepared for you."

Changmin swallowed, and Yunho tugged the duffel bag out of Changmin's hand.

"Changmin, just stop and think for a little bit first," said Yunho. "I don't want you to get hurt."

"I'm not going to get hurt. What would even have to happen for me to get hurt?" said Changmin with a frown.

Yunho was struck speechless, didn't even know where to start; clearly, meeting his parents in his lifetime had always been such a wild fantasy for Changmin that he had clearly never even thought about the possibility that they might not want to see him suddenly at their doorstep.

"Okay, fine, I won't take my stuff," said Changmin with a face like he was doing Yunho a huge favour. "But I – I have to go. Right now."

Yunho briefly considered going with Changmin, but quickly decided against it; indeed, this was supposed to be Changmin's moment, and although they may excuse Changmin from the rest of training for the day, there was no way in hell that Yunho would be able to get away with it.

"Okay," conceded Yunho with a nod. "Don't be too late, and stay safe, okay?"

"'Kay," replied Changmin. He turned to his closet again, but he was still shaking.

Yunho watched as Changmin pulled out his suit, and started changing into it.

Yunho pushed the uneasiness – this was happening all so fast – out of his mind, and when Changmin was dressed and looked at Yunho with a huge smile and a deep breath and an excited, "Okay," Yunho gave Changmin an encouraging nod.

"You look great."

Changmin beamed. "This is going to change my life forever," he said decidedly.

Yunho agreed, even though he wasn't quite sure if it would be for better or for worse.


End file.
